Dear Dr. Kidorf,
Our
son is starting high school this fall in an out-of-town yeshiva. As I have been
reading in the Where What When about the issue of teen drinking and how
important it is to talk to your children about it, I am realizing that we never
had “the conversation.” I’m pretty sure that the topic has not been presented
by his school either. No one in our family is a drinker, and it just never came
up. We do have several bottles of whisky, etc., stored on a shelf somewhere
that we bring out for Purim and family simchas. In fact, we bought most of
those bottles for this boy’s bris! This son is a normal kid and a good
student, and I like to think that all our children are being brought up in a
wholesome – some might say old-fashioned – environment. While we never felt the
need to discuss drinking (or smoking, vaping, and other behaviors that teens
might be exposed to), I’m wondering if we should. My friend told me that not
giving kids information and direction is like letting your five-year-old cross
Park Heights. Is such a discussion a one-size-fits-all imperative, or can each
family decide according to their own situation? Should we initiate a
conversation on this subject now, before our son gets to yeshiva, or wait until
he brings it up? And finally, how should the discussion go?
Response:
Thank you
for your question; it sounds like you have a lovely family. I also grew up in a
home with little alcohol in it. Perhaps once or twice a year, for a party or
bridge game, my dad would balance himself on a wobbly chair to access a small
cupboard that contained Scotch and some other bottles. While not much of a
drinker, he did smoke a pipe daily, and his car was covered front to back with
Captain Black tobacco. My mom, for her part, could get tipsy on Manischewitz.
Your
friend is absolutely right about the importance of educating our kids about
drinking. These conversations do not have to be heavy or awkward. There are
enough “teachable moments” in the routine Jewish life cycle to form a basis for
ongoing discussions. I believe that, as parents, we have a responsibility to
provide correct information about drinking and do our best to counter
misinformation that can be easily accessed through social media and other
sources. If we do not teach our kids, somebody else will.
The
occasion of your child heading off to yeshiva provides an excellent opportunity
to introduce this topic. I say this because it is within periods of transition that
we see kids having the most trouble with substances: entering adolescence,
starting high school or college, enrolling in a new school, or moving to a new
community. Your son checks all of these boxes!
From
everything that you mentioned, your son is at low risk to develop alcohol
problems. We often look at issues like family drinking or conflict, untreated
(or under-treated) mental health problems, and trauma as major risk factors for
substance misuse. As a child gets older, peer influences and poor connection to
school predict future problems. I am not hearing that your son is experiencing
these issues, and that is a reason to be thankful. It will also make the task
of education much easier.
Now
I will let you in on a secret: The most important alcohol prevention strategy
is a strong parent-child relationship. The effectiveness of any other education
that we might provide flows from this relationship. Kids tend to accept
information when it comes from a place of love and genuine concern. From
everything that you mentioned, it sounds like you have this covered.
But
here is the intriguing part: Your son will be moving out of your home at the
exact same time that he is hitting adolescence, a period that for many children
is associated with questioning traditional values and boundaries. Some might
call this the “perfect storm.” The question is how to maintain your strong
relationship while he is away.
Obviously,
your son is not the first kid in town to attend yeshiva in another city, and
talking with other families in similar situations would be helpful. Children
mature at different rates. A tricky part of parenting is conveying clear
expectations and allowing your child to become more independent. It is just
that some of this give-and-take might become more complicated when the child no
longer lives at home.
At
the very least, his move away from home provides a nice opportunity to engage
in a conversation about drinking that is connected to some other changes that
he may observe when moving to a new town and yeshiva. Communities have their
own customs and practices. One way that communities might differ is in their
attitude toward drinking. Even within our city, permissiveness toward teenage
drinking varies from shul to shul and family to family. In another town, for
instance, your son may eat Shabbos meals with families that are more open to
allowing kids to drink. He will interact with kids from other cities who are
navigating their own paths through adolescence. At the very minimum, peer
influence to drink may become more prominent than what he has experienced until
now.
A
part of your education plan might be to ask your child to consider the above
situations and how he might handle them. You should also convey your own
expectations. You might, for instance, encourage him to refrain from drinking,
or to limit drinking to the Shabbos table or other situations where there is
parental or rabbinic supervision.
Before
we educate our children, we need to educate ourselves. In this regard, it would
be helpful to consult with information provided by the National Institutes of
Health (NIH) that can easily be found on their websites: niaaa.nih.gov
(National Institute on Alcohol and Alcoholism) and nida.nih.gov (National
Institute on Drug Abuse). It is like having the teacher’s edition. While there
is no specific section for parents sending their kids to yeshiva (not yet!),
there is plenty of information that you might find worthwhile in helping your
son appreciate the potential dangers of drinking. In the meantime, here is some
basic information to get you started:
1)
Equivalence of alcoholic beverages: Teenagers
often do not appreciate that different beverage types share similar alcohol
content: a 12 oz. beer (5% alcohol) = 5 ounces of wine (12% alcohol) = a 1.5 ounce
shot of liquor (40% alcohol). Let your kids do the math! The point is that any
of these drinks can get you intoxicated. That said, beer is somewhat less risky
than the others because it contains more liquid and (usually!) takes longer to
drink. Intoxication levels are based not only on alcohol content but on how
quickly the alcohol is consumed.
2)
Binge drinking: The primary way that
teenagers consume alcohol is through binge drinking. This amounts to four to
five drinks within about two hours (somewhat fewer drinks for girls), enough to
reach the legal limit of alcohol impairment (Blood Alcohol Concentration: BAC =
.08). We believe that teenagers can tolerate more alcohol per occasion than
adults because they are less likely to experience the sedating impact of
drinking. Binge drinking is associated with a lot of bad outcomes and increases
the chance of developing an alcohol use disorder.
3)
Impact of alcohol on the brain: Alcohol
is a powerful sedative drug that affects the brain. Teenagers are well aware of
the acute consequences of drinking: intoxication, disinhibition, slurred
speech, incoordination, and impaired judgment. However, the science is
sufficiently advanced to demonstrate how teenage drinking impacts brain
circuitry and impairs learning, memory, and organizational skills. If your son
is scientifically inclined, he may be interested in reading reviews of studies
evaluating the impact of alcohol on cognitive functioning. These studies can be
found on the NIH websites.
4)
Drinking and driving: Too many kids
have lost their lives to drinking and driving. Your son should be educated to
not enter a car with a driver who has been drinking (or using other
substances). When he is old enough to drive, he should not get behind the wheel
after drinking. It is also important to note that many states, including
Maryland, have a zero-tolerance law for drinking and driving, and driving at
even a BAC of .02 (i.e., about one drink) is illegal.
While
it has become almost routine in Baltimore for children to leave home to attend
yeshiva, these moves are not without some risks,
including the possible dilution of our ability to be effective parents. Yet
these situations also present an excellent opportunity to provide basic alcohol
education tailored to the needs of our children.
I
hope some of this is helpful. It might feel excessive and even burdensome to
talk with your child before a problem exists. But this is exactly what
prevention is all about – getting ahead of the problem. Talking honestly and
lovingly with our children is always healthy and protective.
Michael Kidorf, Ph.D., is a
clinical psychologist, Associate Professor of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins
University School of Medicine, and Director of Education at Chayeinu. The Where What When welcomes
readers’ questions to this column.
