Dear Dr. Kidorf,
My family and I have become fans and fervent readers of this
column, and it has provided very thoughtful conversations at our
Shabbos table. Last month, someone asked about whether they should talk to
their son about drinking as they were not a “drinking” family. This hit home
for me because I have a similar concern. Sukkos and Simchas Torah are quickly
approaching. This time of the year concerns me because there is so much
drinking everywhere that it has become part of the Jewish culture. I have been
to many shuls where I see men pouring drinks and passing them around. It is so
easy for a young boy or girl to pick up one of these drinks without anyone
really knowing.
It is very important to me that my children and family love and
look forward to Yom Tov. That’s why we spend a lot of money for the best foods
and new clothing for the children. My question is: how can I talk to my kids
about the dangers of alcohol when they see it everywhere around them, and so
many men are eager participants? I don’t want to introduce a sour note with my
worries or be a neurotic mother, for that matter. When I talk to
other mothers, no one else is bothered. They say, “Hey, it’s Yom Tov!” It seems
no one remembers a time when Jews were known as eschewing alcohol and when
there seemed to be plenty of happiness on Simchas Torah without the
drinking. I don’t want to judge other people, but I am concerned as a
mother and member of this community.
Response:
Thanks for
reading this column! We hope that it will encourage parents to speak with their
kids about alcohol and other drugs. And I don’t think that you are being
neurotic, just thoughtful. Your question is a good one. How do we talk to our
children about the harms of alcohol when drinking seems so prevalent? Our kids
are heavily influenced by what they see around them. What they often see on Shabbat and Yom Tov is
adults doing a lot of drinking.
You
may be right that times have changed. There was very little drinking in the
shul where I grew up in South Jersey. At most, I recall 80-year-old men trying
to get me to take a sip of schnapps, which seemed about as appealing as the
herring they were eating. Even these guys appeared content to drink one shot,
kind of a small reward for getting through the leining and Mussaf. As far as I know, they restrained themselves
from drinking until after the davening.
It
certainly seems as if there is more drinking now. Yet, a part of me wonders
whether Jews have always consumed a lot of alcohol on Shabbat and Yom Tov. The
difference today is that we are more willing to drink in public rather than
privately. Perhaps we are making some kind of a statement as a people. It is
almost like anti-Semitism in a way, which always exists; it’s just that, today,
people are more public about their hostility toward Jews and Israel – even a
little proud about it.
As
you note, the fact that much of this drinking is done in public presents a
dilemma. Our kids are watching and taking notes. What is particularly
dispiriting and even demoralizing is that we do not seem to worry about the
impact of this behavior on our kids. This leads to a feeling of community
helplessness or apathy – with, as you put, nobody seeming to be “bothered.”
There
are no easy solutions, yet we must control what we can control. If the adults
in the room are unwilling (or unable) to stop, we need to help our kids make
sense out of what they see. We have discussed before that the usual Jewish
cycles – kiddush, shalom zachors, and so forth – provide “teachable moments.” One
of the positive aspects of social drinking is that it provides an opportunity
to ask our kids what they think about it: a great conversation starter!
I
might discuss with them the conditions under which drinking is appropriate. Yom
Tov is a time of celebration, and we often use alcohol to enhance celebrations.
It can be an appropriate time to drink, at least in moderation. We often use
celebrations to express our gratitude, and we have much to be thankful for:
completing Yom Tov preparations, spending time with family and friends, having
opportunities to learn and teach Torah, sharing good meals, and even living in
a country that allows us to celebrate as we please. With Covid-19 and other
health issues experienced by people in our community, many of us have been
saying the shehechianu bracha with
more kavana. Drinking moderately in
connection with this type of gratitude and joy can enhance our simcha. For those who are a little stiff or have some social anxiety,
the effects of alcohol, with its properties of relaxation and disinhibition,
can facilitate smoother conversations.
Yet
for many adults, drinking on Yom Tov poses a serious problem, and we have
witnessed (and heard about) many issues that arise, especially on Simchat
Torah. Some adults will drink too much, slur their speech, and become loud and
inappropriate. Others will drink too much and go to sleep instead of spending
time with their family. There will be some who should never consume alcohol at all
because they have trouble controlling their drinking, or they have a medical or
psychiatric condition that is made worse by drinking. These are major problems
that are often acted out across shuls in our community. Parents can help their
kids understand that these ways of drinking are inappropriate and harmful.
Another
point of discussion is that frequent adult drinking might give the impression
that alcohol consumption is safe for teenagers. It is not. As we have noted
many times in this column, there is a big difference between adult and teenage
drinking, besides the fact that it is illegal for teenagers to drink. Perhaps
more importantly, drinking harms the teenage brain more than the adult brain. I
often remind my kids that “I can drink because I am pretty much as smart as I
will ever get. But you, my dear children, still have potential!” The teenage
brain continues to grow throughout adolescence and young adulthood. Drinking
can impair learning, memory, and other areas of cognition, and we have no idea
yet whether these losses are recovered over time. All Jews are responsible for
each other, and we should be looking after our children at simchas to make sure
that they are not drinking.
Finally,
I would add once more that, as parents, we can develop good relationships with
our kids and talk with them about drinking. We need to be the kind of parents
that our kids can approach if they have a problem with alcohol or other
substances or if they see a friend or adult who has a problem. It is also
helpful to select another adult friend or family member for your kids to speak
to when these types of issues arise, in the event that the situation is too
uncomfortable for them to speak with you. This might be a close friend or
teacher. The more “safe people,” the better. If we do not step in, you can be
assured that the internet and social media will have their say.
We
also need to model appropriate drinking, which means to never drink to excess
and to not convey in any way that drinking is glamorous or a way to manage
emotions or problems. Healthy parental
communication and modeling are strongly predictive of raising kids who have
strong values and do not develop drinking problems.
I
would also encourage you to speak with your Rav if you feel that drinking at shul
or at other simchas is becoming problematic. Somebody has to jump into the Yam Suf!
Our wonderful rabbis in Baltimore understand the dangers of drinking and will
speak with their congregations as needed. I have spoken to many rabbis who
share your concern. We may be able to work together as a community to address
these issues. I hope that we can. Our kids deserve the best. Chag Same’ach.
Michael Kidorf, Ph.D., is a
clinical psychologist, Associate Professor of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins
University School of Medicine, and Director of Education at Chayeinu. The Where What When welcomes
readers’ questions to this column.
