“Rivka Blackson” is a shadchan who lives and works in the Baltimore community. She has chosen to remain anonymous so as not to risk hurting the feelings of singles whom she has been unable to help. The insights and ideas she expresses can help us understand the world of a shadchan whose goal is to set up as many happy couples as possible.
Q: How did you get into making shidduchim?
A: When I first got married, more years ago than I care to admit, my Shabbos table was full of single boys and girls. I can say that out loud now because, b”H, all my children are married! The world was a different place, and it was acceptable to have a mixed Shabbos table; in fact, it was the norm, at least in my circles.
At one of these meals, I thought that two of my single friends would be a good match. Even then, it took some doing to convince them to go out. They finally did, and the rest is history. Once I made that shidduch, I got the “bug” and wanted to help all my friends get married. I was young, idealistic, and proud to be thought of as “Yenta” from Fiddler on the Roof! People, again, in my circles weren’t paid for making a shidduch. I never thought of it as a profession or even dreamed that real people did this as a profession. It was a great feeling to help people and an honest thrill when they got engaged. Families would give (sometimes) a small gift as a thank you, like a candy dish or flowers. I would say that things have changed slowly and then drastically over the last 25 years.
Today, I am a shadchan simply because there is such a tremendous need, and I can’t let myself stop, even though I want to most days. I sometimes say that G-d is playing a game with me. Every time I say, “Okay, this is it, I am retiring from all this,” a shidduch comes through, and I know Hashem is telling me that, even though it is a hard and often thankless job, I must do my best to try and help.
Q: Why would you want to stop being a shadchan? What is so hard about it?
A: The pain. The terrible pain. The honest, raw pain of the mothers. Why does Hashem let me help this person and not that person? How do I look someone in the eye at a vort (where I was the shadchan) who has a 30-something-year-old who is single? It hurts. I want to hide. I want to say, “It’s not me who made the shidduch. Hashem just whispered the idea in my ear” – which is the truth. A person does not make a shidduch and cannot take credit for it. A shadchan is simply the vehicle that Hashem chose to facilitate a match. But when someone is in pain, they don’t want platitudes or excuses, they want results. They think that the shadchan is someone special, someone with magical powers, like the person who wins the lottery. Many times, I don’t go to the vort of my couples because it hurts me so much to see all those who are single and, more so, to see their mothers. For every person I help to cross the finish line, there are hundreds still in the race. When you think of those odds and those numbers, it is totally humbling and overwhelming.
In addition, there is the “being dumped” part. Two young people go out. One really likes the other, but the second one doesn’t, and the date turns out to be a “one-and-done.” Again, there’s pain of telling someone “Sorry, he/she doesn’t want to go out again.” No matter how kindly you try to say it, the rejected one will still hear, “I’m ugly, I’m fat, I’m too quiet, too loud, too yeshivish, not yeshivish enough, too smart, not smart enough, too tall, too short, etc.” So much damage is done to the person’s self-esteem.
Q: How much time do you spend on this project? How much work does a shidduch take?
A: Every morning and every night, I work on ideas for people. On Shabbos, I try to fill my table with singles to meet as many as I can. I send out emails, What’s Apps, and texts. I love this efficient technology. I only redt the shidduch when I have a yes.
Once a shidduch is in place – after speaking with both sides, taking care of Dor Yeshorim (which I like to do before the first date), and setting the time for the date – each shidduch proceeds differently.
Some couples have their own mentors and go to them for advice, and some use the shadchan for everything. That is true of the couple plus each set of parents. Even the easiest going shidduch takes time, organization, and commitment from the shadchan. The harder ones can take hours and hours and days and days of phone calls.
Q: How have things changed from the past?
A: When I first started with shidduchim, you got the green light from both sides and gave the boy the girl’s phone number. They arranged their own dates. All they did was keep you posted or call for advice. Now, the shadchan does it all: calls each side, arranges the dates, gets the answer from each side, and continues this until the third to fifth date. It’s hard to say if this is better or worse. It certainly protects both sides, but perhaps it takes away the independence and even the commitment if you know that the shadchan will deliver your “no” and you don’t have to face anyone.
Q: What qualities make for a good shadchan?
A: You need to be patient, and a good listener. You need to really care, and, most importantly, you need to give only gentle pushes and encouragements. After all a notch on your belt is worthless and harmful if the couple really isn’t a match.
Q: How often, approximately, does a shidduch come to fruition?
It’s very hard to say, I can have a month where two or three couples get engaged and then months where not one couple gets engaged. I can have weeks of one-and-dones and then the surprise couple that calls me after the fourth date to tell me they are “ready” to get engaged! It’s like being a weatherman; they keep you on even if you get it wrong more often then you get it right! Again, G-d’s work….
Q: How would you advise parents and singles to use the services of a shadchan most advantageously?
A: It’s a good idea to set up an appointment to speak to the shadchan. Then keep in touch. Ask the shadchan how he/she wants you to go about that. Make sure the resume is in order, with correct phone numbers and people who really know your child as references right now. It is useless if they only know your child from a long time ago. Also, make yourself easy to get in touch with. Don’t make the shadchan have to work to find you. Place all your contact information on the resume and again in your emails.
Q: Is it okay for singles to approach you on their own, or do you prefer that parents approach you for their children?
A: Of course, I like to meet the singles alone. When the mother or father is present, they usually do all the talking and I don’t really get to see the single’s personality.
Q: What are some things that parents or singles do or say that are not helpful? How would you finish this statement: “I wish that people would not…”
A: I wish parents would not ask, “Do you think this is a good idea for my daughter/son?” Well, if I didn’t think it was a good idea, I wouldn’t be suggesting it! Seriously, most times, it’s just a feeling, and I can’t quite articulate in words why I think it is a good idea. I get it right as often as I get it wrong. Sometimes, I get the feeling that Hashem whispers ideas in my ear, because, often, the ones I try that are long-shots get engaged, and the ones I feel are a slam-dunk are one-and-done.
Q: What are some things that parents or singles do and say that are helpful?
A: Parents who are open to suggestions and do not conduct FBI investigations have an easier time getting their kids married – and happily married. People have flaws; no one is perfect. Look in the mirror and be honest. If you have married children, you know the truth: that Hashem only let’s you find out what He wants you to know before the shidduch, no matter how much checking and rechecking you do. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t make a phone call, but I have had people tell me that the father kept them on the phone for 45 minutes with questions or the mother asked such personal and irrelevant questions.
Q: What should parents ask, and what should they not ask or demand – things that you think are ridiculous?
A: Ask the important questions: Is he/she kind, a good person, an honest person, a sincerely frum person? Will he/she be good to my child? Do not ask, where in the circle does he dance at a wedding; if he/she were an animal, which would it be; what is her dress size; is he always on time for Shacharis? You can ask if the parents have shalom bayis (although you will never know the truth about this one), are the parents honest people, well thought of in the community. Try to find out about mental illness, substance abuse, eating disorders, etc.
They should not ask for a certain height, a certain dress size, or a certain age – that they must start in Israel, must live here or there (not because of schooling), or only this or that seminary. I always say that the minute you make such ridiculous demands, G-d laughs and writes down that you will end up with exactly the opposite.
Q: Are there rules about how the dating couple should communicate? Do you want them to call you after each date? Is there a time line that you think is proper?
A: Some people call or text me immediately after the date; I love these people! But it is reasonable for people to take the night to think it over and speak with their parents and/or shidduch mentor. I just wish that people would really care more about each other and not make people wait too long for an answer. It is painful to wait, especially since, 80% of time, if you are waiting more than a day for an answer, the answer is no. Of course, this is not true if one party brought up something on the date that truly requires thinking about and asking advice. Then it is not only reasonable to delay the answer but a must.
Q: Do you expect to get paid as the conclusion of a shidduch? What if someone doesn’t pay you?
A: Paying the shadchan is something that should be done as a segula (good omen) for the couple. Rabbi Kulefsky, zt”l, used to say that shadchanus is the most honest money out there. I remember one time when someone gave me an enormous amount of money, and I was embarrassed to accept it. I called Rabbi Frand and asked him if I was allowed to accept such a large sum, and he quoted Rabbi Kulefsky.
Ninety percent of people pay me when the shidduch comes to fruition. When I was young, I was sometimes angry if people didn’t pay me. I would go to the wedding and see how fancy it was and think, “Would you not pay the band, the photographer, or the caterer?”
Today, I sit at the chuppa of a couple that did not pay me, and I say, “Please Hashem, I am mochel (forgive). They must have forgotten, or maybe they don’t know. Please don’t punish these kids. Let them have healthy children and shalom bayis.” Maybe it’s silly and superstitious, but with all the divorce out there, it makes me feel better to say it.
Q: How would you like people to show hakaras hatov (appreciation) to you?
A: Number one is to remember that the shadchan is doing you a “favor.” They are giving of their time without any thought to payment. It’s sort of like a realtor. You can show a family 20 houses and never make a sale and never get a penny for your efforts. A shadchan also works on many shidduchim and only a few come to fruition.
I think that most people are appreciative. Most say thank you, send a text or email or even a card in the mail saying so. When my children were dating, my policy was to send the shadchan a candy dish or gift certificate after the very first date, whether it continued or not. And for some of my kids, that was a lot of candy dishes! There are people who do that for me, and I think that was how I learned to do it. Just a small gesture, not necessary but so thoughtful, for thinking of your child and setting up a date, regardless of the outcome.
The opposite of hakaras hatov is not informing the shadchan when you get engaged, even if it was another shadchan who made the shidduch that actually worked!
Q: Can you tell us a heartwarming story that happened while you were involved with a couple?
A: A lovely orphan came to meet me – no mother and no father. She told me that she knew it would be hard to find anyone to marry her, and on top of that, she had no money to bring to a marriage – and she wanted a learning boy. It just so happened that I had met an amazing young man that Shabbos at my table, a baal teshuva who was frum since he was 13. He agreed right away to the shidduch, and, b”H, they hit it off beautifully and were engaged in three weeks!
People who knew her parents made her a vort, and the community helped with the wedding. A few days before the wedding, the couple came knocking on my door to say hello. They were obviously uncomfortable and had something to say. The boy spoke for both of them. He said that his parents knew nothing of the frum world and never heard of paying a matchmaker. I tried to stop them in their tracks, but they said that they knew how important it was to pay me and that it is an inyan. He said that one day, when they could, they would be back.
I gave the girl a huge hug and a bracha and told her that I couldn’t wait to dance with her and that, as far as I was concerned, the hug was payment in full. A month later, they knocked at my door again. The kalla thrust an envelope at me with a big smile and said, “We can’t thank you enough. We are so happy. Thank you for making our shidduch.” The young man said that every day they put something into this envelope so that they could do the right thing. The beautiful beaming kalla and I hugged with tears. She promised to keep in touch, and they left. Inside the envelope was $180 dollars, mostly in single dollar bills. To this day, it is the most treasured gift I have ever received for a shidduch. B”H, this couple has been happily married now for many years with many children, bli ayin hara.
Q: How about a terrible mistake? Did that ever happen?
A: Oh my gosh, it certainly did. I was juggling six couples the same week while I was in Florida on vacation. And I mixed up the day and time with two couples, so that Shmiel was traveling from New York to pick up Shprintza from Baltimore on a Wednesday night at 6:00, and Feivel* had a date with Frumma on Thursday at 7:00. Shmiel, the poor boy, rang the doorbell only to discover that Shprintza was in class that night till 8:00! The frantic mother called me, and the embarrassed boy called me. They were both good sports about it. The boy waited for her, and the girl got ready the minute she came home. They didn’t get married or even had a second date! But Hashem helped me make amends by finding each one of their shidduchim at a later date, b”H.
Q: Are there often issues between shadchanim over whose idea a certain shidduch was and who should get credit for it? If so, how would you like it to be resolved?
A: This happens all the time, and everyone involved should consult a Rav. Bottom line: Everyone involved in shidduchim should be happy for the shidduch. Let klal Yisrael get married. Hashem gets the credit, after all. Remember – and this to all the shadchanim out there – if you must take the credit for a shidduch, then you must also take the blame for the divorce. Hard words, but something to think about. I think about this all the time. The first time I had a couple tell me that they were getting divorced after 14 years and five children, I was done; I was never working on a shidduch again. I called a Rav, who told me that just as I don’t get the credit for the ones I put together, I don’t get the blame for those that, chas veshalom, fall apart. Hashem runs the world, and I should still try to help people.
Q: Thank you for taking the time to answer the questions so thoroughly and interestingly. It is so amazing to hear words from someone actually in the trenches.
