Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
We hosted an informal meal for an organization in our home. I assumed that only adults would come, but some people apparently thought otherwise and brought their children. The children were noisy and disruptive, and one mother wanted her child to play with the toys, which had been carefully put away for this occasion. When I asked her to keep the child with her, she was quite insulted. I have a feeling this problem will come up again in the future. Was I wrong? How should I have handled the situation?
Adults Only
Dear Adults Only,
One of the problems of interrelationship is that everybody sees thing in a different way. It isn’t that you were wrong. It’s just that you assumed too much. It would have made things much easier for you if, instead of leaving it to the guests to decide, you would have called early and said, “I’m calling to give you enough time to get a sitter for the evening, because this is strictly for adults.” You could also add, “I’m looking forward to getting together with you and the children at another time.”
Once you found yourself in such a situation, you could have selected a few toys to give to the child and told the mother that you would appreciate not having too many toys out, so the adults won’t fall over them. If this woman is now still insulted, why not call her and suggest getting together, without calling attention to what happened? It would give you both an “out” to resume your relationship.
Many things have changed in the last decades. Years ago, people would not even consider taking children to a wedding or other simcha unless they were close relatives. But this generation – either because of financial difficulties or because parents want to spend more time with their children – looks at things differently. It’s best to spell things out before they happen in order to clear the air and avoid any misunderstandings. So, don’t be afraid to state your feelings in a tactful way.
Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
My aunt is a senior citizen who is close with her nieces and nephews. However, whenever she visits any of us, she creates quite a stir. She always has some negative comment to make. I haven’t said anything all these years, but now it is getting to me. Is there a way to get her to come and enjoy without all the criticism?
Anxious
Dear Anxious,
At this stage of life, it is almost impossible to change ingrained habits. However, looking at this objectively, it seems to me that what your aunt really needs and is asking for is a lot of TLC. I am presuming that she lives alone and does not have many people to interact with. May I suggest that you start a habit of sending her a card once a week or calling just to say hello and “we love you”? When you know she is coming to visit, why not write that you’re looking forward to having her come and stay.
When she arrives and makes her anticipated comments, you might try answering her (in a nice manner) like this: “This is how we like it, so this is the way we will be doing it.” If you are able to, hug her, hold her hand, and tell her you love to see her. But this is your life, and this is the way you do things, so why doesn’t she just relax and enjoy. We are so often so busy hiding our feelings about situations, when we would all be better off just expressing how we feel. But please remember: lots of tender loving care!
Categories: Shalom Bayis
