A child comes home from school in tears, telling his parents he was bullied in school. What should the parents do? The father’s response is often, “Hit him back!” while the mother counsels the child to “tell the teacher.” Sound familiar? These parents’ differing reactions to this common scenario graphically demonstrate the confusion that exists, even among the experts, about the best way to deal with bullying.
Bullying: We all grew up with it – whether as victim, bully, or bystander – and instinctively know what it is even without a formal definition. And we used to think there was nothing to be done. But something happened in 1999 that exposed the potentially tragic effects of bullying, and fueled impassioned cries to “do something.” Two Colorado high school students walked into their school and murdered 12 fellow students and a teacher, after having been bullied for years. A report made public after the shooting noted that bullying was prevalent in Columbine High School, whose culture supported high-ranking athletes and did not protect the children they bullied.
As a result of Columbine, psychologists began to study bullying, state laws were passed, and schools introduced bullying-prevention programs. Although experts later discounted bullying as the cause of the Columbine massacre (concluding that one of the shooters was a classic psychopath), it was this tragedy and others like it that rallied society to look for a solution to bullying, a focus that remains today.
But what does bullying have to do with our community? Our children are educated about good middos (character), chesed, proper speech, and mitzvos bein adam lechaveiro (getting along with others). They would never stoop to bullying – or would they? We are in fact not immune. Immaturity – combined with the all-too-human traits of jealousy, power seeking, and self-aggrandizement – makes bullying an inevitable phenomenon that exists wherever children interact. It’s what you do about it that counts.
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What to do about it, it turns out, is a complicated matter. The variables are so many that no single theory or course of action covers all cases. Children vary in their sensitivity to abuse, the severity of the bullying varies, and the reaction of adults and other children also varies, and can either soothe or exacerbate the effects. In addition, experts vary in their theoretical approaches. Should one punish the bully, strengthen the victim, hold school assemblies, conduct peer conflict resolution sessions, involve parents, or teach the teachers what to do? In truth, the answer is probably “all of the above.”
Many people assume that the presence of an adult thwarts bullying. Unfortunately, even when bullying occurs in an adult-supervised setting, it cannot always be stopped. As Mrs. Kahn, an elementary school teacher, says, “I was told that a girl in my class was bullying another child, but it was done so ‘quietly’ that I never was able to catch her in the act.”
Or the adult may not have enough authority to stop the bullying. “Looking back,” says Mrs. Levy, a carpool driver, “it is hard to believe, but I was actually unable to control a group of second to fourth graders. They bullied my daughter for a whole year, even when I was the driver. The parents of the girls also could not prevent it when their children were not in their presence. I probably should have dropped out of the carpool,” concludes Mrs. Levy, “but my desire not to have a conflict with the other parents overcame my instincts to protect my child.”
Another carpool driver had a more positive experience. “If bullying occurs,” said Mrs. Cohen, “changing the environment can help. One of the things my children were teased about was my messy car, so I made a point of vacuuming the it more often. My children always sat in the middle seat, and the children who bullied them sat in the back. That gave the bulliers the opportunity to kick the back of the seats, pull on the seat belts, and throw things. Just by moving my boys to the back row, we were able to change the dynamics. I also spoke to the other boys’ parents. I was careful to speak calmly and not make them feel attacked. I said, ‘We have a problem. How can we resolve it?’ The parents did not become defensive and immediately spoke to their children in such a way that the problem was resolved.”
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Baltimore schools offer workshops and programs to educate about bullying.
Jewish Community Services’ program, called Everyone Counts, is based on the book One, by Kathryn Otoshi. “This is a short children’s book that teaches in a very simple way the importance of each person and how an individual can be an ‘upstander’ and confront someone who is being mean,” says Howard Resnick of JCS. The program is presented to children in preschool through third grade in various schools. I watched a presentation for three-year-old boys at the Cheder Chabad, and it was amazing to see how eagerly the children listened and participated. The book’s beauty is in its simplicity. It has no people in it, only pictures of colors, but it explains things in a way that very little children understand. It depicts the power of a bully and how one “color” who is brave and kind can change everyone else’s perspective. When all the colors join together, they can take away the power of the bully. In the end, not only does the bully stop bullying but he joins in the fun with the other colors.
Tova described how helpful Torah Institute’s social skills program is to her four-year-old: “He is really internalizing what he is learning and applying it to his own life,” she says. “The children learn about sharing and about personal space. They learn phrases they can use to deal with difficult situations.” One day Tova’s son came home with the words, “It’s okay. If somebody sits in the seat where I want to sit, I can sit somewhere else, it’s okay.
“One day in carpool,” Tova continues, “another four-year-old, Yitzi, called my son Dovid a baby. He kept repeating, ‘You’re a baby; you’re a baby.’ Dovid looked like he was about to cry, so I reminded him of what he had learned in school: If somebody says something not nice to you, pull back your shoulders and say, ‘Nu-uh, that’s not true!’ The reminder helped, and after Dovid answered assertively, Yitzi stopped his taunting.”
Bnos Yisroel and Bais Yaakov use a program created by the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation, called called Tiki (the Hebrew word for “my knapsack”). “Tiki is a cartoon backpack recess hero who intercedes in sticky social situations to give guidance and redirect,” explains a teacher. “First we get the girls excited with posters that announce that Tiki is coming, and the children learn a special theme song. Then, for about six weeks, we play a CD with a scenario that might occur at recess. For example, one of the CDs has to do with choosing teams for a ball game. There is one girl whom nobody wants to pick. The girl runs away because she feels so bad. Tiki comes to talk to her, and when the girl says that nobody likes her, he shows her that the other girls really like her but are afraid to say so because of the bully.
“The children then go out to recess with the ideas fresh in their minds. A few days after playing the CD, we have a discussion about what solutions the girls have come up with to the problem that was described on the CD.”
The Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation also provides incredible videos that are shown to the students. “The Bystander” addresses bullying in a very powerful way, and “The Outsider” addresses excluding others. Both are entertaining as films but also convey realistic and important lessons. “As it is said, eino domeh shmia lere’iya. The students learn a lot from seeing real bullying play out on screen,” says Talia Turk of Bnos Yisroel.
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At Bais Yaakov Middle School, Mrs. Chana Felder, LCPC, offers a workshop for sixth and seventh graders on social skills and friendship building that includes how to deal with bullies. She bases her program on the work of Izzy Kalman, a school psychologist whose workshops and book, Bullies to Buddies; How to Turn your Enemies into Friends, have been adopted by several schools across the nation. An avid fan of Mr. Kalman, Mrs. Felder has incorporated his approach in her work with middle school students. She has published a booklet, called Do’s and Don’ts of Friendship with a Torah Perspective, with guides for both teachers and students. Her booklet includes a Torah viewpoint on interpersonal relationships, with relevant quotes from Tanach as part of the lessons.
Instead of trying to get rid of all bullies, an impossible task, Kalman focuses on teaching the victims how to respond. Mrs. Felder role plays with the girls to demonstrate effective and ineffective ways to respond to teasing and bullying. “I have them tease me about a ‘weird’ pin I am wearing, and I demonstrate productive and nonproductive ways to react. Then we switch roles. The girls enjoy the role playing; they laugh along,” says Mrs. Felder, “and they learn to do it.”
Mrs. Felder says, “Over the last two years that I’ve been doing this workshop, it has been quite successful. Although it is challenging for a student who feels she has been bullied to adapt – because she has to change the way she thinks and how she reacts – students have been able to do it. They do need mentoring, coaching, and a supportive environment. It’s very important that their parents are invested in this approach as well.” (Those who are struggling with a bullying problem are invited to read Mrs. Felder’s booklet.)
In addition to teaching the students how to handle bullies, Mrs. Felder also believes in working with the bully. Fayge, who experienced bullying all through elementary and junior high, says, “There was one girl who was bullying me for many years,” she said “until, finally, Mrs. Felder solved the problem. She was like a miracle worker.”
When asked what she did, Mrs. Felder replied, “I spoke to the girl Fayge said was bothering her. I told her, ‘You are such a nice person, so I am sure that you are unaware that Fayge is uncomfortable with the way you are treating her. I know what a special girl you are, so I am sure that you are not doing this on purpose.’”
I was surprised: “So you didn’t punish her or scold her? You didn’t threaten consequences?”
“No,” said Mrs. Felder. “That wouldn’t work. You have to believe in the bully’s innate goodness, and you have to have a relationship with her. If you look at someone as a bully, and treat them as a bully, they will be a bully.”
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While Izzy Kalman’s approach has yielded success, it leaves him open to being accused of “blaming the victim.” If a child is showing symptoms like refusing to go to school, being unable to sleep, and feeling depressed and vulnerable, the parents complain to the school. They just want the teachers and the administration to make the bullies stop bothering their child.
One parent, Moshe, said, “It was so hurtful for me to hear the accusation that it was my child who had to be fixed that I could not even listen to any of their suggestions. The presumption that my child was in any way responsible for the cruelty of her classmates was very painful, and I believe it was wrong!”
Tehilla had a similar experience. She wanted to switch her daughter to another class because some of the children were making her life miserable. At the IEP meeting, an administrator said, “You could switch her class, and switch her school, but whatever you do it won’t make a difference, because your daughter is bringing this on herself!”
“That made me so angry,” said Tehilla. “Of course, a parent should try to help their child conform by buying her clothes that fit in and not sending unusual things for lunch – plus some children are more vulnerable to teasing than others – but blaming the victim is simply unacceptable! And in the end the administration was wrong! We did switch her class, and the difference was like night and day! So it wasn’t true that my daughter had to change, we just had to get rid of the bully.”
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Child safety expert Irene van der Zande, founder and executive director of KidPower.org, takes on all aspects of bullying in “Eight Skills Kids Can Use Right Away,” excerpted from her book, Bullying: What Adults Need to Know and Do to Keep Kids Safe. Like Mr. Kalman, she advises parents to strengthen the child: “Show your child the difference between being passive, aggressive, and assertive in body language, tone of voice, and choice of words. Have your child walk across the floor, coaching her or him to be successful, by saying, for example, ‘That’s great! Now take bigger steps. Look around you. Straighten your back,’ etc.”
But van der Zande also suggests measures schools should take: “Being left out is a major form of bullying. Exclusion should be clearly against the rules at school. A child can practice persisting in asking to join a game. Pretend to be a bully who wants to exclude the child. Have your child walk up and say, ‘I want to play.’ Coach your child to sound and look positive and friendly, not whiny or aggressive. But the child also needs to know that if the bullying persists, he should go for help.
“Children who are being bullied, Ms. Van der Zande continues, “need to be able to tell teachers, parents, and other adults in charge what is happening in the moment – clearly, calmly, and persistently – even if these adults are very distracted or rude, and even if asking for help has not worked before. Learning how to have polite, firm words, body language, and tone of voice, even under pressure, and to not give up when asking for help is a lifelong skill.”
Ms. van der Zande also stresses the often-ignored third party to bullying: the onlooker. “Children should also understand that bystanders play an important role in bullying. They are rarely neutral: They are either laughing and joining in, passively watching without intervening, or supporting the bullied child and getting help.”
Indeed, in order to be a bully, a person needs an audience. It is not much fun to be powerful if no one knows about it. The audience has a lot of power to change the dynamics of the situation. Unfortunately, it is scary to be assertive and demand that the bully stop bullying, because the child may worry that he will be the next victim. It takes self- confidence to go against the crowd.
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So, what should we do about bullying? If we can conclude anything from the past 15 years of research and attempts at fixes, it is that bullying is a multifaceted problem that requires a multifaceted solution. Sometimes the bully is behaving obnoxiously and needs to be stopped immediately. Sometimes the victim must learn to be less vulnerable. Sometimes adults need to get involved. And sometimes children can find a solution on their own. Bullies, victims, and bystanders all play a role, and all can be taught more effective behavior. As parents, teachers, or friends, our job is to be alert to the problem, be knowledgeable, and work to improve each situation in a way that works for that individual case. When it comes to bullying, the most important thing is to do something!
