Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
My husband is a very generous person, and he loves to give tzedaka, give people gifts, and lend things to others. I also enjoy giving to others, but I have had some experiences where I lent things to others and they were not returned, or were returned broken. I have therefore become more cautious about lending expensive or important items to others. I am always nervous when we lend out expensive items, especially when it is done on a regular basis, but my husband always says that it is the right thing to do.
It has come to a point where certain friends and relatives of ours expect to be able to borrow things from us on a regular basis. We are about to purchase some expensive electronic equipment, and I want to make a no-lending policy for this equipment. We are not very wealthy, but we work hard and save our money to buy quality objects. I do not want to take the chance of things getting broken, which has happened before. However, my husband feels that I have the wrong attitude, that I am too concerned about money, and that I should see this as an opportunity to help out our fellow Jews. He also feels that now that people are used to borrowing things from us, it would be wrong to tell them no.
My question, therefore, is twofold. First, whose attitude is correct? Is it wrong that I am nervous to lend things out? Is this a flaw of mine that I am not a generous-enough person? Second, if I am justified in not lending everything out, how do I tell this to friends and relatives who have become accustomed to borrowing things from us?
Cautious Lender
Dear Cautious Lender,
In answer to your first question, it’s not a matter of whose attitude is correct. Lending things to our fellow Jews is a wonderful chesed. Just as Hakadosh Baruch Hu created a beautiful world, with so much good food and every delight that He wants to share with us, so we too want to share what we have with those around us. If you can do it with genuine pleasure, that’s fine.
It’s wonderful that your husband is so generous, but I feel you are also justified in not wanting to lend everything out. You shouldn’t have to regret having lent someone something. I know people who have solved this dilemma by having two sets of things: those they lend out and those they don’t. If you can afford it, why not put aside special items – like suitcases, musical instruments, or electronic equipment – not necessarily of the best quality, that you can lend and not worry about.
It’s also correct to say, “I am happy to lend this to you with the understanding that it will be returned in good condition.” According to halacha, the borrower is responsible to return the item in the same condition it was taken or pay for the damage. This should be understood by the borrowers. I think you don’t have to go beyond the letter of the law. It is perfectly reasonable to set appropriate boundaries.
Tell your friends and relatives, very clearly and honestly, that while you truly love sharing your possessions, with the economy the way it is, you need them to understand that if something is broken, they will need to have it repaired or replaced. You don’t have to feel uncomfortable saying this, as it is the halacha. I wish you hatzlacha, and may you always be on the giving side.
Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
My husband and I are very devoted parents. Our children have always been the center of our life. Even now that our daughter is married, whenever she doesn’t feel well or needs help with the kids or someone to babysit, I am there at the drop of a hat. We give them things, too.
Don’t get me wrong: We are very happy to help and to give; we don’t want or need to be paid back. I am beginning to realize, however, that my daughter is very self absorbed. She never comes over just to visit, just because she wants the children to be with us. She only calls if she needs something.
When my daughter lived at home we spent time together, whether working as a team in the house or just enjoying each other’s company. Of course I am glad she has a good marriage and is happy with her husband. But what’s wrong with wanting her to come over once in a while on her own initiative? I don’t like having the feeling that we are being used; it is starting to eat at me. I am writing to you in hopes of avoiding the deterioration of our relationship with bad feelings and uncomfortable silences. Please help.
Good Mother
Dear Good Mother,
You had a wonderful relationship when your daughter was home, and of course you are glad that she is happily married, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting her to come over. I think what has happened is that you have become aware that your daughter is not the perfect person you thought she was. Then again, none of us are.
The best thing to do is simply to understand that this is how your daughter is. Get rid of your expectations that she be an A-1 child. Accept her the way she is and validate the wonderful relationship you have with her. Don’t say anything about your uncomfortable feelings; such words have no business in this relationship. Just tell her you love it when she comes over, that you love to be together.
Be honest in your dealings with her. That will eliminate your feeling of being used. When you are able to help, do so gracefully, but also make it clear ahead of time that there will be times when you won’t be able to. If she asks you to come over at an inconvenient time, say, regretfully, that you can’t do it. As long as you can be honest with her, I don’t think your relationship will deteriorate. I think it would also be good to make yourself judiciously unavailable – for your daughter’s good, not yours – so that she can learn to manage on her own.
So, just enjoy your daughter as she is and enjoy your grandchildren, whenever they show up. It’s called acceptance. It may not be easy to do, but the ability to accept people the way they are – loving the good in them and turning a slightly blind eye to the bad – that is the secret to good relationships.
