Hindsight is 20/20, as the old saying goes, and this is certainly applicable when it comes to raising one’s children. Although caring for our children’s needs from infancy to adulthood is one of our most important purposes in life, the fact that the only training available is “on-the-job” may give us pause to look back on our child-rearing careers and ponder: What am I glad I did, and what do I regret having done?
After recently reading an article in Business Insider, “Six Ways Millennials Are Raising Kids Differently than any Generation before Them,” these questions come to mind: Do millennial parents have more guidance than their parents did in raising their children? And, are the babies born each year to millennial moms being raised better than the children of baby boomers”?
The following are “true confessions” of some baby boomers I polled, who preferred to remain anonymous as a tradeoff for openly voicing their opinions on this sensitive subject.
Right-On Mothers
“I am happy that I always encouraged my children to bring their friends over to our house and that I made friends with their friends!” says one baby boomer. “Not that I would be playing with them, but I would talk to them and really get to know them! But I regret not verbally expressing my love and pride in being their mother. I thought that action speaks louder than words, but in retrospect, having it verbalized is a step above having them figure it out from my behavior.”
“I really did emphasize the simcha in Yiddishkeit,” reminisces another. “They remember marching around the table with me singing “A Gantz Yohr Freilach.” I also had pretty strict discipline and kept my promises, good and bad. They knew I’d chase them down the block if they deserved a spanking – and catch them. If they did poorly in school despite making efforts, I accepted that. I also taught them to think for themselves and not to feel they had to keep up with the Joneses and spend money they/we didn’t have. But they still had to cope with the kids who did.”
“Honestly, the best thing we did was to have a rav from whom to ask advice,” admits one grandmother. “And I stayed home with them. If you do that, you aren’t burdened by regrets and guilt. It’s like an insurance policy. There are no guarantees in life, but you cover yourself.”
Adds another, “I am glad I respected my children as human beings and real people albeit little ones. I regret losing my temper when they didn’t deserve it. I still remember the hurt look on their little faces when I lost it.”
Another grandmother shares, “I am glad for any time invested in explaining, storytelling, telling them of my childhood. I regret being too shortsighted and impatient, therefore being harder on them than I should have been, or than I think I would be now.”
“I’m glad I didn’t force the children into a mold,” says one great-grandmother. “I regret not building closer relationships.” Another great-grandmother adds, “I’m glad I always tried to make ruchnius the most important thing in our house. I regret that I became so overwhelmed by the daily struggles that I missed out on many of the little things in each individual child’s life.”
Let It All Hang Out
One of the biggest differences between generations past and the millennial generation is, perhaps, their openness and transparency. As one millennial mom shared, “I’m very for giving my kids therapy and not one bit embarrassed about the fact. It costs a pretty penny, but I would rather do without fancy extras and be able to pay for therapy. I’m not obsessed at all, but for example, I give one kid quite a few extras, like speech therapy, OT, and private tutoring. My mother thinks I’m overdoing it, that my daughter is perfect and all this therapy will make her into a ‘case.’ She tells me, ‘If you don’t make your children into a case, they don’t become one. It all boils down to bad middos. You just have to teach her that that’s not nice.’ This is really old-fashioned parenting advice, don’t you think?”
The rise of materialism in this generation is also noteworthy. According to one grandmother, “Materialism was getting going when my kids were small – the 70s through 90s – but nowadays it’s gone insane. People spend crazy amounts on clothing, decor, vacations, and electronics. Also, this seems to be an age of extremism. People were more accepting of each other when my children were young.”
Yet another grandmother observed, “I see parents trying harder to reason with little ones to get them to understand. Also, I see fathers playing much more active roles in child-rearing. Not like the days of yore in the 1960s and 1970s.”
“The permissiveness and ‘feel good’ priorities today are much different than a generation ago,” adds another grandparent. “Of course, I wanted my children to be happy and feel good about themselves, but I could set limits which today seem to frighten young parents. Of course, we didn’t have to worry about the internet, though there were issues of playing computer games. We had to get another telephone (landline, they didn’t have cell phones then) to accommodate our teenage daughters, but nothing that compares to the insidious influence of iPhones today. I wasn’t so afraid of the influence of the street back then. Today, it is very scary to hear of child predators and access to inappropriate media on the streets.”
“Raising children in my day wasn’t about what a person was entitled to – it was what a person’s circumstance dictated,” offers another grandparent. “Today, everyone needs to be on the same standard of living, even if the income is not even half of someone else’s.”
Another grandparent concurs: “I assumed that life meant that my children would need to struggle – that was part of living. Today, it is a ‘sin’ to allow a person to struggle and attain something if you have the means to step in and do it for them. I think that, in dire situations, one should step up to the bat, but in day-to-day circumstances, stepping in leads a person to believe that they aren’t capable and seems to bypass the idea that Hashem is the One in charge.”
How PG (Parental Guidance) Rates Today
Baby boomers couldn’t Google parenting advice as parents can nowadays, so to whom did they turn?
“I went to Adler’s parenting classes,” one great-grandmother mentioned. “I don’t think millennial parents have more guidance than I had.”
The Adler method of parenting was developed by Alfred Adler, a philosopher and psychiatrist, in the early 1900s. It was based on the holistic belief that when we are encouraged, we feel capable and appreciated. In turn, it contributes to a feeling of connectedness and the likelihood of being cooperative. But when we are discouraged, we withdraw, give up, and feel depressed.
On the flip side, another grandmother felt she had almost no guidance in raising her children. “My parents were Holocaust survivors. When we had a problem or issue we consulted our rebbes, rabbanim, and roshei yeshiva. Today’s young people have ‘chinuch sessions’ and other mentors.”
“I did not have a lot of guidance when bringing up my children,” shared one savta. “We looked back at how we were brought up, tweaked it a bit and did what we thought was correct as best we could. I read a book or two, but only for ideas, not for a philosophy. Today’s generation seems to need someone to tell them what is right and what is not.”
“I read a lot of books and listened to a lot of shiurim on chinuch and consulted with experienced mothers among my friends,” recalls one bubby. “Today, it seems to me that the young parents talk to each other more than to authority figures, though certainly more guidance is available if they want to access it.”
Yet another bubby sums up her belief with, “We had parents. My children have parents. The difference is that we listened to our parents.”
We are All Perfect Parents
“Millennials see matters in a broader spectrum than I did,” feels one baby boomer. “They are more patient, less anxious around mess and misbehavior. I like the way they are raising their kiks. They are doing better than I did.”
Another baby boomer agreed: “I really admire my kids as parents; they are doing a splendid job! There are times I see an einikel act up and I think, ‘Wow, are you lucky that I’m not your mother!’ My married children have more self-control than I did, when ‘corporal punishment’ was accepted and expected, if necessary. My kids today are horrified at the thought of giving a well-deserved potch. This makes their lives much harder, but I’ve come to agree that it is better for their children. On the other hand, I’ve observed the occasional young parent glued to his or her iPhone, texting while accompanying her children down the street, and the little ones look lost as they run after a parent who is momentarily not even aware they’re there. This is tragic.”
One mother has her doubts about comparing the ability of the generations. “Today’s circumstances are so different. It is a bit like comparing apples to oranges; yes, they are both fruits but from different seeds. One is crisp and hard on the outside; the other has more give on the outside and is a bit soft and tangy on the inside. Raising children today is a very challenging challenge! Even if one did a superb job in years past, there is no guarantee that they would be successful in today’s world.”
“Concludes one baby boomer, “I have merited, bechasdei Shamayim, to see all my children married and parents, or soon to be parents. Few grandparents, now older and wiser, do not have some regrets. No one is perfect. It is comforting to know that Hashem chose us as parents and He was fully aware of the way we were when he gave us the gift of our children. The things we did that we would change if we could – though, of course, we can’t – were actually part of His plan.”
SIDEBAR
Child-Rearing Reflections
Rebbetzin Rivka Diskind was born in Lithuania; her family moved to Toronto when she was 11 years old. When her father, Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky, zt”l, was hired as the rosh yeshiva of Torah Vodaath, the family moved to New York. After her marriage to Rabbi Hirsch Diskind, zt”l, she and her husband moved to Cincinnati, and then to Baltimore, where he was the longtime dean of Bais Yaakov School of Baltimore. After his retirement, the Diskinds settled in Eretz Yisrael.
Comparing parenting in her own generation with subsequent ones, she shares, “I think all the generations have done a good parenting job, but parents are more permissive today – now, anything goes! I think there should be a happy medium. Parents shouldn’t be too strict or too permissive.”
Rebbetzin Diskind notes that when she was raising her children, there weren’t so many goodies to be had. “Special treats were reserved for special occasions, but now, children say they want this and they want that, and they get it!” says the Rebbetzin. Another difference she notes is that “In the olden days, children were to be seen and not heard; they would only talk when they were asked to talk. Now, they don’t keep quiet!”
