Chana was a thirty-something professional — we sat in the same office, and had worked side-by-side for about a year. She was always very nice, intelligent and charming, but we were never close since she lived in another community and we didn’t travel in the same circles. I guess we were just so busy with our own lives, and since our lives were so different, they never coincided. While we really enjoyed working together; talking about this and that, we just never had all that much in common.
I’d always thought she was a happy person. She had a fulfilling job and a caring husband. One day, out of the blue, as we stood around the coffee machine, she suddenly burst into tears. Startled, I tried to calm her, and when she felt a bit better she poured her heart out to me.
Everything was going right in her life… except for one thing; she was not getting pregnant. Chana told me she and her husband had been trying to conceive, however after trying for over two years nothing had happened. And so, while everything else was going so well, the thing they desired the most at this moment seemed out of their reach.
“I thought of nothing else,” she recalled to me. “One of my friends was complaining to me about how tired they were because they were up all night with their baby. She commented ‘You are so lucky you can have a good night’s rest!’ I put on my best smile to acknowledge her remark and walked away. That evening I cried and cried… How I wish I could be up with a crying baby!”
“There are so many nisyanos and they are all painful, but this is so private. You lose all sense of dignity when you are going through infertility. Because you can’t hide the fact that you don’t have children, it becomes completely public. You might bump into an old friend from school and be asked, how many kids do you have? or Where did you leave the kids? It is just assumed that you have children.”
My heart went out to her story. At the same time I thought to myself how could I have been the one to have said such a remark! Had I ever been insensitive in the past? It never even occurred to me that this was a painful topic. I never realized how sensitive I need to be with my comments.
Furthermore, I realized although I thought I knew my coworker fairly well, there was a whole hidden world she was dealing with.
“Going to doctors morning after morning, being pinched and poked, with constant monitoring and re-evaluation is an emotional and physical roller coaster! I felt I had no one to turn to. My younger siblings and friends were always busy with either carpools, homework, and learning with their children. I felt they didn’t want to hear about my troubles. Indeed I felt all alone.”
I must admit I had not really thought about the subject of infertility. I assumed that all couples were like myself, finding your bashert and then having the ability to start a family. Once Chana opened up to me I began to wonder who else I knew that might be facing this challenge. This led me to do some research on infertility.
Unfortunately, Chana and her husband, by far, are not the only couple facing this issue. In fact, some statistics indicate as many as one in six couples face some degree of infertility throughout their marriage. A number of couples are able to resolve their infertility without any medical intervention, but most will require some form of medical assistance. Medical treatments take a physical, emotional, and financial toll on the couple. Treatments may include visiting a doctor on a daily basis, extremely expensive medications, as well as complex invasive procedures. The most common and effective form of treatment can cost between $15,000 and $18,000, and payment must be made upfront. Many couples must undergo multiple treatment cycles before being blessed with success. For the Orthodox couple living in a community where family is so central, it is even more exacerbating. These couples feel left out. Yet, with all this effort, there is no guarantee the couple will be blessed with a child.
Over the next several months, Chana and I became much closer through discussing her journey. She kept on reinforcing the stress that she and her husband were under. I realized that this was a central issue in their marriage. Personally, I wanted to help Chana so much but I was confused how to help her. As she continued to confide in me I learned the best way to help Chana was to show her my support. Whether she needed a ride to the doctor, a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on, I wanted her to know I was always there for her.
I have learned from Chana to count my blessings and never take anything for granted.
How fortunate are we that no couple has to face the burden of infertility alone. There are two wonderful organizations to be a resource to couples going through this challenge.
“The pressure is big in the Orthodox community to have children and a lot of them,” says Dr. Eugene Katz, a fertility specialist at Shady Grove Fertility Center on the Greater Baltimore Medical Center (GBMC) campus. “The advantage is that they come to see me when they are young, when it is easier to help them. But, the disadvantage of their being young is that there is no time for them to accrue savings to use if they happen to lack health insurance benefits for the treatment of infertility. That is where Bonei Olam comes in. The organization is always very generous to assist these couples in helping them fulfill their dreams. A TIME is a wonderful organization, as well, that helps these couples by giving them emotional support and educational material. They produce a high quality quarterly publication I enjoy reading. I am very proud that both of these organizations are here.”
ATIME
A TIME is the premier, internationally acclaimed organization that offers advocacy, education, guidance, research and support through our many programs to Jewish men, women, and couples struggling with reproductive health and infertility.
A TIME is strongly endorsed by leading Rabbonim and physicians, and is widely recognized as an organization that is sensitive to the privacy of each couple, while providing a wide array of essential services in a caring and professional manner.
A TIME, an acronym for A Torah Infertility Medium of Exchange, was founded by couples who had experienced precisely these challenges, and joined together to provide support. A TIME became a unified group organized specifically to address the challenges of the Jewish couples suffering infertility. The founders, who once had only their own experiences and knowledge are proud that they now have a roster of the most esteemed doctors in the field of infertility; they are volunteers who answer questions on A TIME’s website daily. The founders dreamed, but the reality is even bigger than their dreams.
The resources offered are vast, almost too many to enumerate, but here is a sampling: A 24-hour hotline, referrals to medical specialists, therapists, and alternative medical practices, Shabbos at the Hospital/Center program, insurance advocacy, interactive website message boards staffed by professionals and specialists who gladly answer all medical questions, peer support from others who are experiencing the same consuming emotions, pregnancy loss packet for those who suffer from losses, adoption service, tape library of speeches given at evenings of inspiration and medical conferences, Shabbaton/weekend retreats, parental support (for parents of couples to understand the emotional roller coaster their children are going through), labor/tehilim program (which lists names in a beautiful packet distributed to women going into labor soon).
Through ATIME’s numerous programs it has assisted thousands of couples through their fertility journey.
Bonei Olam
Bonei Olam’s mission is to help couples that are experiencing infertility realize their dreams of enjoying these moments.
Bonei Olam was founded by a group of individuals who themselves experienced the hardships of infertility and its mission is to provide funding for all aspects of fertility treatments, thus relieving couples of the financial, emotional and physical stress resulting from infertility. Bonei Olam has developed a strong and dedicated network of doctors and fertility centers across the world, enabling them to offer unsurpassed medical and financial assistance to all applicants.
Bonei Olam is a worldwide organization that provides funds globally for all treatment options, including: High risk care, pre/post cancer, genetic diagnosis, initial consultations, basic and advanced treatments, global medical network, insurance policies, information on insurance, State Mandate Fund, medications, Bonayich Free Loan Program, and adoption assistance.
Bonei Olam understands how important confidentiality is to the infertile couple. The very nature of their problem strips them of their privacy. Having to ask for financial assistance often seems like just one more indignity to be suffered. When a couple contacts Bonei Olam, they are assigned to a personal counselor who is trained to guide them through the labyrinth of medical information and the negotiation of payment plans. Only their counselor knows the couple by name. All other communication with Bonei Olam is by PIN number only.
To date, over two thousand of the many couples that Bonei Olam has assisted have B”H given birth to children of their own. If not for Bonei Olam, these couples would not have had alternative avenues to finance their treatments. Most fertility centers refuse to treat patients before they have been financially cleared. Most insurance plans do not cover substantial parts of fertility treatments, considering them elective medicine.
Rabbi Dovid Heber, rav of Khal Ahavas Yisroel Tzemach Tzedek, in Baltimore, has been approached over the years by couples who are challenged by infertility. He lauds both Bonei Olam and A TIME for the parts they play in helping these couples. “These organizations are integral to the Jewish community as they are assisting klal Yisroel in fulfilling the very first mitzvah in the Torah,” says Rabbi Heber. “Furthermore, they bring immeasurable amounts of simcha to families striving to pass on our wonderful mesorah to the next generation.”
To contact A TIME’s Mid-Atlantic 24-hotline, call Sarala Lefkowitz, 410-241-4196 or 347-799-0496. Contributions to A TIME can be mailed to: Lefkowitz, 6215 Green Meadow Way, Baltimore, MD, 21209. To find out more information about Bonei Olam, call Loni Goldman, 443-320-5848, or Bonnie Pollak, 410-484-5611. Contributions to Bonei Olam can be mailed to Bonnie Pollak, 2526 Willow Glen Drive, Baltimore, MD, 21209.
