It was about a half-hour into a marriage mediation session when the challenge became very apparent to me. In all areas of life – for both husband and wife – it was all or nothing. There was considerable need for a vacation, but only a fully planned vacation would do. There was need for increased communication, but only a full-fledged DMC (Deep Meaningful Conversation) would be sufficient.
I
asked their permission to introduce a new model by which to judge their marriage,
a model I like to call “coloring in the picture.” You see, sometimes things
might be progressing in a good direction, but we won’t notice that if we are judging
things as black-and-white, pass-or-fail, all-or-nothing.
Coloring
in the picture means to choose a color, any color you like, and then divide
that color into its shades. There is very light, almost pastel. Then there is
the regular color. Finally, there is the color in its brightest form.
Similarly,
every goal or expectation can be divided into three levels. There is something, which means we are trying.
There is satisfactory, which is quite
significant, considering that this was a troubling topic that needed attention.
And then there is excellent, which
means that we really have made progress and reached a place we can be proud of.
DMCs
for example might not be readily achievable at first try. But if we can value
pleasant interactions – the pleasantries of life – and color code them on our
chart as we value them, there is room to continue to grow and nurture the
relationship. Similarly, a vacation may be in order but not feasible due to
other responsibilities. If we can value mini-vacations, like a one- to two-hour
outing, or even mini-mini-vacations, like a 15-minute walk, there is room to provide
encouragement and look with hope towards additional progress.
Too
often, we judge life like a traffic light. Things are either “red” (that’s bad),
“green” (that’s good), or “yellow” (of significant concern). This is the
approach we take when we view the world in the framework of a courtroom, and
see our feelings and observations as if we were preparing for litigation.
Instead, we have the opportunity to recognize the shades of life. When we do,
we leave room to identify the direction in which we are going.
One
of my children once showed me a picture of a face she drew. Instead of the
typical smile or frown, the mouth on the face she drew was a squiggly. I asked
her if the person she drew was sad or happy. She answered, “He is happy about
some things and sad about others.” That is a thoughtful attitude that leaves
room for conversation and progress. There are things that are working well and
things that are not working so well. Through dialogue and tiered goal setting,
people can reach success and resolution.
Sometimes,
taking a step back and seeing the whole picture is helpful. The entire
relationship doesn’t get a check or an X because of the one vexing topic that
we are focused on. There are many other aspects to life and relationships, and
those, too, should be colored in appropriate shades.
Imagine
having a beautiful, clean, white sheet of paper that has one dot in the corner.
If we move very close and focus on the dot, then all we see is the black dot.
But it will be far more useful for us to back up a bit and take in the whole
paper. I maintain that the “dot” should be addressed even if it is just one
aspect of the whole picture. If it concerns you, then it concerns us. But
feeling deeply that there are other aspects and shades of color can well make
dealing with the vexing “dot” a little easier and more manageable – and, often,
solvable.
Interestingly,
when we allow for a full spectrum of colors in our personal life assessment, we
also allow for the existence of occasional failure as well as for
off-the-charts success. Life is not relegated to individual episodes of success
and failure. Life is alive; it is best expressed in so many hues and colors.
In
moments of frustration, it is easy to see life as a traffic light, with colors
that signify stop and go, yes and no, check and X, success and failure. A more
forgiving and effective metaphor is to see life as the tide, flowing in, then
flowing out. Even as we make progress, it isn’t instantaneous. But if we
monitor the ebb and flow in full color, we can identify the mini-successes and
the progress that we are making along the way.
Rabbi Mordechai Rhine is a Coach and Mediator based in Baltimore,
Maryland. He has served as a community Rabbi and lecturer for over two decades.
He can be reached through his websites, www.care-mediation.com and
www.teach613.org, or by email at RMRhine@gmail.com.
