It was about a half-hour into a marriage mediation session when the challenge became very apparent to me. In all areas of life – for both husband and wife – it was all or nothing. There was considerable need for a vacation, but only a fully planned vacation would do. There was need for increased communication, but only a full-fledged DMC (Deep Meaningful Conversation) would be sufficient.

I asked their permission to introduce a new model by which to judge their marriage, a model I like to call “coloring in the picture.” You see, sometimes things might be progressing in a good direction, but we won’t notice that if we are judging things as black-and-white, pass-or-fail, all-or-nothing.

One of my favorite places to visit is Niagara Falls. The intense rush of water cascading over the Falls is truly overwhelming. Over the years I have visited the Falls numerous times, and have experienced them as many of us have: from in front, from behind, as well as from the boat ride. But nothing prepared me for my recent visit.

My previous trips were all to the Canadian side. It was so exciting to cross the border, and besides, “they” told us that the Canadian side is so much better. But on this recent trip, we decided to stop at the American side. Not only was it less crowded but it is situated in such a way that we could get closer than ever to the water. I stood watching six million cubic feet of water flow each minute from the Niagara River into the gorge, and I was overwhelmed by the imagery as it pertained to a famous statement of Chazal.

About a year ago, just after the height of COVID intensity, a group in my shul gathered to consider what kind of COVID compliant activity we could do to enable people to socialize safely. We agreed that the activity should be outdoors to reduce the risk of transmission. After some discussion, I agreed to lead a Perek Shira hike along one of the local waterways.

Perek Shira is a beautiful text from Talmudic times which links items in creation with verses in the Torah. As we experienced nature together, we had so much to talk about regarding the water, the trees, and the wildlife that we encountered. About midway in the hike, we stopped to rest, and I introduced the group to a little sport I love, called “launching.”

One beautiful morning my toddler was playing in his Cozy Coupe toy car when it was time for me to take him to playgroup. He was having a great time playing, and when I told him it was time to go to Morah, he (quite cutely but determinedly) insisted, “No, it is not time to go to Morah.” I saw a possible tantrum coming and recalled the guidance of Rabbi Yisroel Salanter, who explained that, to a child, his toy ship is as complete a reality as a real ship is to a wealthy merchant. When either ship is taken away, it is a tragedy to its owner. So instead of taking my son’s words at face value, I quickly thought about what was underlying his thoughts. I realized that he was just enjoying his Cozy Coupe, and that the best thing I could do was to validate and embrace his reality. I asked him if he wanted me to put gas into his car so it would work better. He smiled brightly. Within 30 seconds he was parking the car by the house and reaching his hand into mine so we could go to Morah.