I heard a shiur recently by Rabbi Benzion Shafier about
the potency of criticism. It is a topic that interests me, and it seems quite a
propos to this season of spiritual accounting. Rebuke – or criticism – is a
mitzva in the Torah. But how can one fulfill this mitzva without antagonizing people
and ruining our relationship? Mishlei (Proverbs)
says, “Rebuke not the scoffer, lest he hate you, and rebuke the wise man and he
will love you.” Not only does the person being rebuked have to be wise enough to
accept criticism but the rebuker also has to be wise enough to know how and
when to deliver his rebuke!
An anecdote
related by a friend demonstrates this principle: Yitzchak liked to go to bed
very early and was disturbed by the other boys in his dorm room, who made a lot
of noise. Yitzchak complained to his rebbe and asked to switch rooms. A few
days, later the rebbe gave a lecture to all the boys about being careful not to
disturb people when they are sleeping. But he added that the person who can’t
sleep thinks he can’t sleep because of the noise. Actually, he can’t sleep
because he is angry at the people making the noise. The rebbe said that he had
no trouble sleeping when his children were jumping and playing on Shabbos
afternoon because he loves his children and knows that this is normal noise. The
rebbe’s anonymous message to Yitzchak was that he was having trouble sleeping not
because the boys were so noisy but because he was annoyed that they did not
respect him!
Subtle rebuke was thus
given to both parties without creating any hurt feelings. Of course, Yitzchak
had to be willing to understand that the rebbe was addressing him and to accept
what he said.
The Dangers of Rebuke
The thrust of Rabbi
Shafier’s
shiur was that, no matter how close
you are to someone, and no matter how sure you are that nothing can ruin your
relationship, you should still be careful. Words are very powerful. Once said,
they can not be taken back. A person enjoys what he is successful at and
criticizing him can easily kill the joy. An artist will be very sensitive about
criticism of his artwork, a singer will be upset if his singing is criticized,
and no one wants to hear that her cooking tastes bad or her clothes are out of style.
Even criticism
said in the nicest, most polite way will make the other person feel bad and
less comfortable with you. Even if you surround your words of criticism with
words of praise in order to be as subtle as possible, it can still hurt.
Rabbi Shafier
gave an example from the Torah to show that even our forefathers avoided
rebuking others during their lifetimes because they were afraid of ruining
their relationship. For example, Yaakov, one of the Avos, did not rebuke
Reuven, his oldest son, about an incident until 40 years later, when Yaakov was
on his deathbed. It is hard to imagine that Reuven, who was a great man and
knew that he had done something wrong, would have been upset at his father for
rebuking him, but Yaakov did not want to risk it. It is impossible to rebuke someone and have
the relationship remain the same.
And not only that,
says Rabbi Schafier, but criticism does not even help! A man who comes home
every day and complains about the messy house or the messy children is unlikely
to see an improvement. The messy house and the messy children will remain; the relationship,
though, will be weakened.
Rabbi Shafier said
that his wife knows never to trust him when he compliments her about her
cooking. He always says it is delicious even if it tastes horrible. “It is not
worth saying something negative,” he says, “even if my wife really wants to
know. She can get a more truthful opinion from someone else, not from her
husband!”
Constructive Criticism
But there is such
a thing as constructive criticism. Presumably, that is what the mitzva to
rebuke your friend is about. Is there a way to criticize a person without
ruining the relationship and embarrassing him? In a video, Charlie Harary lists
five tips to make criticism constructive.
1) Timing: Don’t attack a person with your
insights when he is in the middle of an event. Wait until things have calmed
down and then approach him. If you feel it necessary to tell a speaker that he
made a mistake in his speech, don’t do it when he is stepping down from the
podium! Don’t announce in the middle of the meal that the soup is too salty.
Wait until later when no one is around to hear. That way you avoid embarrassing
the person in public.
2) Not about you: Make sure that the
criticism is about the other person and not about you and your personal issues.
Our opinions are colored by our own experiences. Constructive criticism has to
be completely for the benefit of the other person. “The only person who can
criticize me without me getting insulted is my husband,” says Mrs. L, “because
I know he loves me unconditionally.”
3) Create a straw man: Use a parable, an
example, or a story that happened to you or to a famous person. This will
convey the rebuke without the recipient feeling attacked and without spelling
out the problem. For instance, there is a story in the midrash about Elisha Hanavi, who met a
fisherman and was disturbed that he did not learn enough Torah. The fisherman
said he was only a simple person, not smart enough to learn Torah. Elisha then
asked him how he made his fishing net and how he caught fish. The fisherman was
happy to share his vast expertise in his favorite subject. Elisha then said to
him that lack of intelligence would not be a good excuse when he got to heaven.
“You have plenty of intelligence about things that are important to you.”
4) Criticize the action, not the person:
For example, “The article you edited had a lot of mistakes,” rather than “What
a dumb editor you are!”
5) Future relevance: If this circumstance
is never going to happen again, don’t bother criticizing. It is not relevant
unless it might happen again. If a child misbehaves because he is overtired and
hungry, try to avoid that situation and no criticism is necessary.
Making Criticism Palatable
To expand on the second
tip, the person who criticizes has to be sure that his criticism is only for
the benefit of the recipient. It is hard to be sure that you don’t have your
own personal agenda. For example, if a child misbehaves and his parent
criticizes him, the parent has to be sure that it is for the benefit of the
child – not because he is embarrassed that people are judging his parenting
skills.
If the rebuke is truly for the benefit of the
other person, that person will be able to sense the love. It helps if criticism
is limited to one small thing and if it is offered only rarely. I asked a
grandmother, Mrs. P, if she ever criticizes her children’s parenting
techniques. “Never,” says Mrs. P. “I had my chance to bring up my children, and
now it is their chance. The only time I might state an opinion is when I am
asked.”
R’ Simcha Zissel
of Kelm said it is unwise to tell someone bluntly how utterly wrong his actions
have been. This will only embarrass him and antagonize him. It is wiser to
break up the criticism into small parts, going gradually, a step at a time, to
draw him closer to your point of view in an agreeable way. As one great man
used to say when criticizing, “You did a great job, except for one small thing
that could use some correction. It was like one tiny, tiny speck in a beautiful
web.”
Like medicine, criticism
is potent and powerful. Too much can be dangerous, and the wrong kind can do
more damage than good. Only a small amount, in an exact dose, given in the
right way and at the right time by the right person will bring positive
results.
Thanks to Aish.com for some of the information in this
article.
