I am a parent of an extremely strong-willed ten-year-old boy. While he has many strengths, including organization, persistence, entrepreneurial spirit, and excellent executive functioning skills, his behavior both at home and in school is challenging to deal with. He cannot tolerate being told what to do. When he gets an idea in his mind, he follows through no matter what and hates hearing the word “no.” He thrives on engaging my husband and me in power struggles in order to achieve whatever result he wants at that given time.
Our main concern is his disrespectful way of speaking to me and my husband. The other challenging factors in raising a strong-willed child, we can deal with and manage appropriately. However, we have zero tolerance for the disrespect. We as parents have made that very clear to our son. It continues to be a big problem, though, which doesn’t seem to be getting any better no matter how much we try to work on this issue. It’s also becoming more of an issue in school, and his teachers are complaining that he is chutzpadik to them as well.
So far, we have implemented charts, direct consequences when he is disrespectful, etc. Are we correct in our zero-tolerance approach for chutzpa, or do we need to go about it in a different way, considering that he has this specific personality type? Our desire, of course, is that he be a child who grows up to be a kind and respectful mensch.
Dear Parents,
You are certainly dealing with a very challenging situation! You have a capable, bright ten-year-old who has managed to learn very little about self-control, postponing self-gratification, and learning that he is not the center of the world. While you refer to him as “a strong-willed boy,” it appears to me that he may have crossed the line from strong-willed to oppositional.
You ask if you are correct in your zero-tolerance approach to your son’s chutzpa, yet at the same time, you state things don’t seem to be improving, even with all your efforts. So maybe we need to ask a different question: What is going on with our son and how can we help him?
Children want to be loved and appreciated, just as adults do. They also want the security of knowing that they have parents and other adults in their lives who will give them caring guidance and healthy boundaries. When they have a sense of being able to rule the roost by causing power struggles and other disruptions at home and in school, that can actually frighten them and leave them feeling frustrated, deserted, and alone.
Before he can grow up to be the “kind and respectful mensch” you would like to see, he needs to know that he is valued in his parents’ eyes and in his own. At this point, he is well aware that he is the cause of distress and tension at home and in school. I also think that his behavior has become more than you will be able to help him change on your own. If I were in your place, I would consult a child therapist (you can get in touch with me through the WWW for suggestions) for help in getting a wonderful child on the road to attaining stability in his emotions and actions. Your job is to help him develop the goodness that he has inside so that he can live up to his potential in all aspects of his life. This involves much more than instituting a zero-tolerance policy. It involves assessing your entire approach to living and dealing with a child who has very challenging behaviors and letting him know that you want to help him.
It is vital for your son to know that this is about him. It’s not about what you will or will not tolerate; it’s about helping him learn to manage his own thoughts and behaviors so that he can develop into a happy, stable individual and have a life of fulfillment, joy, and love for himself and for others. Please keep in mind that through you, as parents, he will be learning to connect to Hakadosh Baruch Hu (G-d), and that will bring him the greatest happiness of all.
I would also like to suggest that you read Your Defiant Child: Eight Steps to Better Behavior, by Dr. Russell Barkley. This book will give some insight into your son’s behavior and will get you thinking creatively about how to help him. The goal is not to control him and his behavior; the goal is for him to learn how to control his own feelings and actions, allowing him to grow into a loving, caring, mature adult. As far away as that goal seems right now, it really is achievable – with the right help and the right approach.
I wish you hatzlacha (success) and all the ko’ach (strength) and insight you need to make this happen.
I am a parent of an extremely strong-willed ten-year-old boy. While he has many strengths, including organization, persistence, entrepreneurial spirit, and excellent executive functioning skills, his behavior both at home and in school is challenging to deal with. He cannot tolerate being told what to do. When he gets an idea in his mind, he follows through no matter what and hates hearing the word “no.” He thrives on engaging my husband and me in power struggles in order to achieve whatever result he wants at that given time.
Our main concern is his disrespectful way of speaking to me and my husband. The other challenging factors in raising a strong-willed child, we can deal with and manage appropriately. However, we have zero tolerance for the disrespect. We as parents have made that very clear to our son. It continues to be a big problem, though, which doesn’t seem to be getting any better no matter how much we try to work on this issue. It’s also becoming more of an issue in school, and his teachers are complaining that he is chutzpadik to them as well.
So far, we have implemented charts, direct consequences when he is disrespectful, etc. Are we correct in our zero-tolerance approach for chutzpa, or do we need to go about it in a different way, considering that he has this specific personality type? Our desire, of course, is that he be a child who grows up to be a kind and respectful mensch.
Dear Parents,
You are certainly dealing with a very challenging situation! You have a capable, bright ten-year-old who has managed to learn very little about self-control, postponing self-gratification, and learning that he is not the center of the world. While you refer to him as “a strong-willed boy,” it appears to me that he may have crossed the line from strong-willed to oppositional.
You ask if you are correct in your zero-tolerance approach to your son’s chutzpa, yet at the same time, you state things don’t seem to be improving, even with all your efforts. So maybe we need to ask a different question: What is going on with our son and how can we help him?
Children want to be loved and appreciated, just as adults do. They also want the security of knowing that they have parents and other adults in their lives who will give them caring guidance and healthy boundaries. When they have a sense of being able to rule the roost by causing power struggles and other disruptions at home and in school, that can actually frighten them and leave them feeling frustrated, deserted, and alone.
Before he can grow up to be the “kind and respectful mensch” you would like to see, he needs to know that he is valued in his parents’ eyes and in his own. At this point, he is well aware that he is the cause of distress and tension at home and in school. I also think that his behavior has become more than you will be able to help him change on your own. If I were in your place, I would consult a child therapist (you can get in touch with me through the WWW for suggestions) for help in getting a wonderful child on the road to attaining stability in his emotions and actions. Your job is to help him develop the goodness that he has inside so that he can live up to his potential in all aspects of his life. This involves much more than instituting a zero-tolerance policy. It involves assessing your entire approach to living and dealing with a child who has very challenging behaviors and letting him know that you want to help him.
It is vital for your son to know that this is about him. It’s not about what you will or will not tolerate; it’s about helping him learn to manage his own thoughts and behaviors so that he can develop into a happy, stable individual and have a life of fulfillment, joy, and love for himself and for others. Please keep in mind that through you, as parents, he will be learning to connect to Hakadosh Baruch Hu (G-d), and that will bring him the greatest happiness of all.
I would also like to suggest that you read Your Defiant Child: Eight Steps to Better Behavior, by Dr. Russell Barkley. This book will give some insight into your son’s behavior and will get you thinking creatively about how to help him. The goal is not to control him and his behavior; the goal is for him to learn how to control his own feelings and actions, allowing him to grow into a loving, caring, mature adult. As far away as that goal seems right now, it really is achievable – with the right help and the right approach.
I wish you hatzlacha (success) and all the ko’ach (strength) and insight you need to make this happen.
