Did you know that it is a faux pas to accept a gift when it is first offered, that you must wait until the giver offers it at least three times?
Did you know that if you finish all the food on your plate your host might be insulted as it is a sign that you did not get enough to eat?
Did you know that if your host serves you a full cup of tea instead of half a cup, it means he wants you to leave?
If you never
heard of these rules of etiquette, you are not a discourteous boor. You simply do
not live in
The same is true of the language we use to communicate with each other. Every society – every family, in fact – has its own verbal quirks and ways of communicating. This has far-reaching ramifications for us and our relationships. It is shocking how often people misunderstand each other without even realizing it – even when they speak the same language!
Because honest relationships with others enhance our lives, I decided to explore how we can communicate better with each other. Being aware of some of the causes of misunderstandings might be a step towards a solution.
I began exploring this topic by reading a book called That’s Not What I Meant, by Deborah Tannen, who has a Ph.D. in linguistics. It was published in 1986, but the topics discussed are timeless. The book demonstrates the many ways miscommunication happens. I have included only a few of the problem areas she pointed out. They were surprising to me and gave me some insights I had never thought of; perhaps you will be surprised as well.
Should We Tell the Truth?
We learn as children to always tell the truth. But do you realize that in our society it is sometimes considered rude to tell the truth? You might be surprised to hear that, because we all know that honesty is the best policy. Except when it is not!
Let’s say the Schwartzes invite Rivka for a Shabbos meal. Rivka has been there before and does not like the food they serve. She does not want to go. Is she going to tell Mrs. Schwartz that she does not like the food and therefore does not want to come?
Of course not. That would be rude! Instead she makes some excuse that she thinks is less offensive. But Mrs. Schwartz does not realize that Rivka’s statement was just an excuse and invites her several more times before getting the hint. Rivka thinks that Mrs. Schwartz should have gotten the hint and is annoyed when she keeps inviting her. The situation is ripe for misunderstanding and annoyance.
I once invited a woman and her family to my house on Chanukah. I prepared for them and eagerly awaited their visit, but they never showed up. I was taken aback and rather offended. Later, someone pointed out to me that in the country where this lady came from it was considered rude to say no to an invitation. Instead, you said yes and then simply did not go if you didn’t want to. Such a scenario had never occurred to me.
How Much of the Truth?
Many situations in life can be viewed from different angles. Take describing a Yom Tov experience. Chani, a young mother with several children, told her friends how difficult it was to be away from home without the children’s familiar routines and surroundings. Later that day, she told her mother how much she enjoyed spending time with the family. Both statements are true even though they seem to contradict each other.
As Ms. Tannen writes, “There is not world enough or time to state every detail, every aspect of the truth, even if we could keep them all in our minds – which we can’t. Selecting words to speak and information to give away always entails choices among vast alternatives…. It is impossible to tell the whole truth.”
That means that it is possible for two people to have heard the truth from someone, but they heard different truths, and both are true!
To Question or Not to Question: That is the Question
Many people ask questions in order to connect to someone they just met. Some people welcome the questioning, while others feel like they are being interrogated rudely.
They have a point as questions can be a veiled way to criticize. For example, instead of saying, “Stop making such a mess,” a mother might say, “Why are you making such a mess?” She does not really want to know why her child is making the mess; she wants her to stop making it! A husband might say, “Why did you leave the top off the toothpaste? He really means “I hate it when you leave the top off the toothpaste.”
I once had a guest for Shabbos from a program that matched guests and hosts. The only thing I knew about her was her name. I tried not to ask questions because I did not want to be rude, but it was very awkward. After all, it is hard to make conversation when you do not know anything about a person. Is she married? Have children? A job? As Shabbos progressed, she began to volunteer information, and our conversation became more relaxed. It is hard to know whether a guest will feel ignored if you don’t ask him anything or feel like you are the FBI if you do.
In certain situations, it is customary to ask questions, but perhaps it is a custom that needs to be questioned. For example, when somebody gets engaged, people tend to ask about the chassan and the kalla. The conversation goes something like this: “Oh, wow, mazal tov, Baruch is engaged. How nice. Who is the girl? How old is she? What does she do? Who are her parents,” etc.
Do you really need to know all that information? Maybe it is not your business. Trying to find out details about the chassan or kalla sounds like you are making judgments about whether they are worthy people and deciding how happy you should be about the engagement. On the other hand, it seems awkward not to ask anything at all, as though you don’t care.
Validating Complaints
Did you know that people often use complaints as a way of bonding with a friend? They look to the friend to validate their feelings and give them support. Woman A might complain to Woman B, “It is so hard to have the kids home all day; they are continuously fighting and getting on each other’s nerves.” She expects her friend to agree and commiserate with her. She wants to feel that other mothers also have her problem. She will probably be taken aback if her friend answers, “I love having my kids home all day; they never fight.”
Now woman A will feel really bad. She was looking for validation that her children were behaving normally and she shouldn’t worry, and now she feels that her problems are worse than she thought. Woman B certainly did not want to hurt Woman A, but she did.
Are Our Perspectives the Same?
Ms. Tannen writes about a concept called reframing. This means changing the context of the words that were spoken or of an event that is happening so it will have a different meaning. Either the listener or the speaker can reframe.
As an
example, shortly after her divorce, Marjorie took a trip to
Did it ever occur to Barb that Marjorie would be hurt by that statement? Marjorie’s pleasure trip was reframed as an attempt to escape a miserable life! Barb meant her words to imply, “We’re your friends and we want you to be happy,” but they sounded to Marjorie like “poor thing.”
Many times, I’ve read that young women who are still single do not want to hear the words, “Im yirtzeh Hashem by you” at their friends’ weddings. Why not? It’s a bracha after all. The one who is giving the bracha probably means well. But it also often subject to reframing. The young woman comes to the wedding feeling good about herself; she feels competent and accomplished. When someone gives her that bracha, she hears, “You are not good enough the way you are. Your life cannot be satisfying. I feel sorry for you. I hope you get married soon so you will be like everyone else.”
Who Is More Important?
The way you address another person also has layers of meaning. It can establish status and broadcast how you feel about the other person. For example, a doctor might put his hand on the shoulder of his patient and say, “How are you doing Sally?” while the patient would never reciprocate by patting his shoulder and saying, “How are you doing, Ritchie?” The doctor, whether he intends to or not, is conveying the message that he is superior to his patient.
Calling somebody by his or her first name changes the whole dynamic of the relationship. That is why we use titles like Mr. or Mrs. and, in our world, Rabbi and Reb. That is why it is an almost universal custom to call parents by special names and not by their first names. We want to give our children the message from the youngest age that we are the parents and we are above them in the social hierarchy.
Applying the Knowledge
Of course, I have only touched the surface of the ways we communicate with each other and how misunderstandings occur. As I wrote above, I hope that awareness will improve communication. I came across two situations just last week where I could apply what I learned.
I was leading a small Zoom class with my grandchildren on Pirkei Avos. One of my grandsons stopped coming to the class, and then he returned. When I asked him what happened, he chose to tell the truth and said, “I am only coming if you don’t call on me.” I was so happy that he told the truth, did not give me an excuse, and was not afraid of being rude, because it was easy to fix my mistake. Now I don’t call on him but wait until he volunteers an answer.
And today, I almost committed a communication faux pas, but fortunately, I remembered this article and caught myself. Shmoozing with a friend about sitting shiva, we talked about different ways of losing loved ones. She started to tell me her experience, and I was about to compare her experience to other situations of loss, when I suddenly realized that she was looking not for facts but for validation. She would have felt bad if I had said what I was going to say.
I hope that this article will help readers be more aware of the messages we send so that we can communicate more honestly with each other.
