Dear Mr. Weisbord,
I’m worried about the beginnings of a temper in my son. He is a lovely, sweet, considerate boy, and has friends. It’s just that if somebody is making fun of him, or something makes him angry, he loses his temper. His teacher says he blows up in class. At home, he cries at the drop of a hat. He didn’t used to be like this. Perhaps we gave him his way more when he was younger. It has occurred to me that he might be frustrated because he has a lot of older siblings bossing him around.
Regardless of the reason for his behavior, please give me some ground rules for dealing with it. I am not the type to wonder about what caused him to be angry. I just want to know what we can do to correct it. He is young, only eight years old. I would think that there is still time to modify this trait and save him (and us) from becoming a bad tempered adult. Should we come down hard on him and not tolerate it at all when he exhibits anger? Or are we supposed to be more understanding? What should we do?
Whatever methods you suggest, I plan on involving the entire family, including the older children, so that we all deal with this child the same way.
Worried Mother
Dear Worried Mother,
I would like to begin by pointing out that with a child your son’s age it is difficult to pinpoint exactly what is going on. It is always worth asking him if there is something he is upset about to hear his take on the situation, but he may not be able to verbalize why he is suddenly getting angrier more often than he used to. Sometimes there is something that is causing stress that can be discovered easily and can be rectified. This may be something you can answer yourself. Are there any stressors that have come up recently in your home? Is there an illness, financial difficulty, or loss of a family member? All of these things that stress us as adults will trickle down and create stress for the children in your house as well.
I certainly agree that there is no point in sitting and thinking about the cause for something that will not affect how you handle it, but in this case you mention two points that are important in trying to understand your son; that you used to give him his way a lot more when he was younger, and that he has a lot of older siblings that boss him around. I would like to speak a little about anger in general, and then see what we can do with these points.
Generally speaking, people get angry when their needs are not being met. For example, if you are trying to sleep and someone is disturbing you, you may feel angry. If you have a job and you get the idea that someone is trying to usurp your position, you may be angry at that person. Anger is often related to fear as well, so if I am afraid that what I have will be taken, or if I see that I may not get what I need, I may be already angry now. Sometimes these needs are physical and obvious, and sometimes they are deeper and of a psychological nature.
In your son’s case, let us assume for the moment that the issues you mentioned are related to his anger. So he is used to getting what he asks for, and suddenly sees that this is no longer the case. It is natural that he will be angry about that. Or, he was used to not being bossed around, and then suddenly there are all these people who are taking up his time and threatening his sense of independence and freedom by giving him orders. Again, it is natural for him to respond to these changes with anger. Nobody likes being told what to do, even kids! I am not saying that you can’t ever tell your children what to do, but in general, the more bossiness being employed, the more resistance you will encounter on the part of the child.
Let us now proceed to how to respond to your son. Obviously, it is a good idea to cut down on the bossing around. This would be a good time to bring family together, as you mentioned in your letter, and to discuss with your older children what things they should or should not confront your younger son about. You are his mother, and therefore it is not really their task to be disciplining him, nor is it their right to be giving him orders. Setting some guidelines will be helpful for all parties involved, because each will know what is expected of him or her in this relationship.
It will also be helpful to sit down with your son and explain why he no longer getting his way as much as he used to. You can perhaps frame it in terms of his growing up and having to take more responsibility for himself. Or you can explain whatever it is that changed so that he can understand what is going on. Sometimes, simply sharing information can help clear things up and resolve some of the emotional tension around an issue.
Another important thing to do is to set aside some time to spend with your son. In busy households, it is easy for a younger child to feel that he does not have enough positive attention. Setting aside a time every week to just talk, or to go somewhere with just him can go a long way towards helping him feel better.
All this being said, however, he still may overreact at times and get angrier than you would like. I believe that “coming down hard” may be counterproductive, but you certainly don’t want him to think his behavior is acceptable. Let us assume for the moment that he knows that it is not good to get so angry, but he doesn’t know how to control it himself. In this case, you can first let him know that you have noticed his anger and are concerned about it. You need to be understanding of the fact that it is something he is struggling with, not something he is doing deliberately to get you upset. Say something like, “We have noticed that you have been getting angry a lot lately, and we want to help you with that. Anger can be hard to manage, and the good news is that there are things you can do to help yourself.”
Then you can brainstorm with him to help him find something he can do when he gets angry so that it is not disruptive to your household. One idea is to have a place he can go when he gets angry, or an activity he can engage in until he calms down. Sometimes kids like to bang on a pillow, throw a ball against a wall, or run around the yard, etc. It is important for him to have somewhere to let off steam or a place where he can be alone to calm down.
Talking to him also lets him know that you are supportive of what he is dealing with. You can let him know that everybody gets angry, and that you love him and think he is a great kid. Tell him that if he feels angry and doesn’t know what to do, he can come to you and you will help him, by speaking to and encouraging him. Then, when he does get angry, you can suggest to him gently that maybe he needs to go to his space for a while or take some time to calm down. In this way you are letting him know that it is not acceptable to throw a tantrum but that you support him in dealing with his anger. It will help him to feel okay with himself, which will make it easier for him to calm down.
You can also offer an incentive, in terms of getting him something, if you see that he is improving, or if you hear from the school that he has improved there. It can take a while to earn, and he doesn’t need a perfect record, but when a child feels that he is working towards a goal, it can help him stay motivated. It helps to have a chart where you mark down every time he uses his assigned activity instead of throwing a tantrum. In this way he can see how well he is doing over time.
You will also want to brainstorm with him about school, so that he can find a way to calm himself without getting in trouble. It is important to find out what is going on in school, because if people are making fun of him a lot, that is something that needs to be dealt with separately. Peer acceptance is an important part of a child’s life, and if this is not happening, it may be contributing to his anger as well.
If you try all of these things and do not see an improvement in four to six weeks, I suggest that you speak to a qualified counselor. You are right in being concerned, and with guidance tailored to your specific situation, you will, be’ezras Hashem, see results.
To sum up, it is important to find out if there is a specific issue that your son is angry about. If there is nothing obvious, then you will want to explain the changes in your household that have affected him, and help him find ways of dealing with them. Finally, you can develop a plan with your son for what he can do when he gets angry, and be supportive of him in implementing it. Offer an incentive to increase his motivation. If these don’t work, seek professional guidance. Helping to shape children’s reactions to things requires a delicate touch, and when too much force is used, it may have the opposite effect of what is desired. I wish you much hatzlacha in continuing to raise your children in the thoughtful manner that you have exhibited.
Yehuda Weisbord, a licensed counselor, is available for consultation at 
410-484-6604.
