Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
My daughter got married a year ago. She is our only child. She married into a lovely family, a very large family. Not only are there lots of siblings, they also have many cousins, and many simchas. On Shabbos, it’s always one simcha after another.
I’m so happy for my daughter, but I feel like I’ve lost her. I don’t want to demand that she spend half the time with us on Yom Tov; I don’t want to get in the way or throw a guilt trip on her. Yet I think we miss her more than her in-laws, whose home is filled to the brim. This Sukkos was so lonely for us.
I’m not complaining. It was nice while it lasted. I just need some advice for myself. Should I ask the other side if we can we come too? I don’t understand – they are such baalei chesed – why don’t they realize themselves that we would be happy to be invited?
Empty Nester
Dear Empty Nester,
I read your letter a few times; I wanted to get a sense of the relationship between you and your daughter. It seems to me that you yourself are causing much of your pain. Let’s try to sort through some of these feelings. No, you haven’t lost your daughter. I think she very much wants to be your daughter, but she is still in the middle of adjusting to life with a new husband. She is setting up her future, including encompassing many more people and relationships. You should let your daughter know that you would not in any way want to disturb that process.
If you could look at this time as a period of transition for your daughter, and realize that she is trying to juggle her new family plus her dear parents, then part of your pain will go away. Even if she is over there more at the beginning, that is to be expected. She is trying to find her place in her husband’s family. Once she has settled into her way of life, things will calm down.
Try not to look at yourself as an empty nester but, rather, as a woman who takes pride in the fact that her daughter has been so well-received into the family. Be thankful that she is happy, and you be happy, too. The other side doesn’t think in terms of inviting you, because it is a family get-together. And, no, don’t ask them if you can come; I think you would be the loser by even mentioning it. Just let your daughter know that, whenever she has a chance, you would love to have her over. I also don’t see any harm in inviting your daughter’s in-laws to join you and the young couple for a Friday night meal, a melave malka, or another occasion.
May the Almighty grant you peace of mind and happiness.
Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
I met a woman recently who seems to have a great many needs. I gave her a couple of rides to the store, and now she calls me up a few times a week asking for rides or just to talk about her problems. I am a wife and mother and don’t have a lot of time. But I’m not sure that’s what’s bothering me. I feel taken advantage of, and I feel guilty that I feel taken advantage of!
I have told her to call Jewish Community Services and other organizations, but she has various reasons why she doesn’t want to. Am I right in wanting to get out of this? How do I tactfully and kindly refuse? And how do I stop feeling guilty?
Guilt-ridden
Dear Guilt-ridden,
I must say that, when you are able to do a chesed – and it comes out as a true chesed – it is wonderful, and the more power to you. But the moment you feel put upon or taken advantage of, when it’s no longer comfortable, and it’s not a true chesed, then stop. You did the right thing by telling her about community services she can access. So when she calls for a ride, just say, “I have this-and-this time available, if that would be helpful to you,” and leave it at that. You needn’t feel guilty. Guilt, as I always say, is a wasted emotion.
