Last month, in the heart of Boro Park, a frightening incident took place. According to Hamodia (June 29 issue), a member of the Jewish community lured three boys into a shul, in separate incidents, by asking them to help him carry a box. Apparently, two of the boys, within an hour of each other, were victims of despicable behavior. The third was able to escape by convincing the man that his father was waiting outside, and that he would get nervous if he did not come out soon. He was let go, unharmed. The parents contacted the shul and the police; the perpetrator was arrested.
Sadly, according to community activists, this is not an isolated case. “Stranger danger” is once again on the Orthodox community’s radar screen As members of a close-knit, worldwide community, we Orthodox Jews tend to trust each other. Unfortunately, it only gives us a false sense of security. Our community is not devoid of con artists and worse.
Take con artist Ted Riley Floyd, who was sentenced to a year in federal prison for using the stolen identity of a deceased Navy veteran to apply for a U.S. passport. Living with his family in Lakewood as “Natan Levi,” his true identity was discovered just a few years ago. He was learning in Lakewood’s Bais Medrash Gevoha, where he was a “rising Torah scholar.” He blended in with his fellow learners, sporting the typical yeshivishe black hat and suit, and accepted his neighbors’ hospitality and money. The scam, which was only discovered after three years, shocked and dismayed the Lakewood community.
In an article I wrote for the Where What When’s December, 2010, issue, “Jews at Risk,” which dealt with the rising missionary threat to our community, Jews for Judaism’s executive director, Ruth Guggenheim, enlightened us about a similar deception: “The ever-increasing number of Jews, even Christians, who have been deceived into believing their propaganda is staggering,” she said. “Even worse is the fact that many of these missionaries are now savvy enough to walk the walk and talk the talk. Unlike the missionaries of yesteryear, today’s missionaries are not overtly identifiable. Often disguised in frum dress, such as black hats, tzitzis, knitted kippot, taleisim, and tefilin, they daven in their ‘synagogues’ out of adulterated Hebrew/English siddurim and lein from sifrei Torah that resemble ones found in bona fide shuls. In fact, they are true experts in kiruv (Jewish outreach).”
Closer to Home
In the face of such deception, how do we teach our children to protect themselves without making them fearful? One of the first warnings we give our children is “Don’t go with strangers.” But who is a stranger, and what should a child do when encountering one? It’s not always clear to a child.
Baltimorean Tamar (nee Chapman) Schulman experienced a scary stranger incident when she was seven or eight. As she was waiting with two friends for her aunt to pick her up from the corner, as previously arranged, a frum man approached them and asked which one of them was Tamar Chapman “I told him I was,” recalls Tamar, “ and he said that my mother got stuck at TA and sent him to pick me up. He told me he was going to get his car and walked back down the block. I told my friends that my aunt was supposed to get me, as my parents were out of town, and that I did not want to go with him. While we were debating on what to do, a carpool driver from the past year saw us and pulled over and asked what was wrong. I told her what happened and she said I should not go with this man. She waited with me until he came back and explained who she was and that she would take me back to her house (which I was comfortable with). I remember being very scared and not being sure what to do until, baruch Hashem, this carpool driver stopped.” Fortunately, it turned out that Tamar’s aunt had really sent the man. But after this incident, the family established a code word. “In case it ever happened again, if the stranger knew the code word, we would know that my parents had really sent him or her.”
Another common example of our automatic trust of fellow community members is our open-hearted welcoming of meshulachim into our homes. When these collectors of tzedaka come to your door, should you be as hesitant to let them into your house as you would be a political canvasser, workman, or utility person?
Most of these men have truly sad stories, and deserve our sympathy. According to Harav Moshe Heinemann, Rav of Agudath Israel-Park Heights, 99 percent of meshulachim are to be trusted. Still, he advises women or children who are home alone not to open the door. “You have the right to tell meshulachim to come back later,” says Rav Heinemann. “You can say that it is not convenient.”
Rav Heineman related a story about a man who once came to Yeshiva Lane, on the Ner Yisrael campus, 20 minutes before Shabbos, asking for a place to stay. The woman whom he asked called the Rav to ask if her family should take him in. The Rav answered that if she had little children, she should not do it. Another family with young children, who did not call the Rav for his advice, ended up taking the man in 10 minutes before Shabbos. After Shabbos began, this family found out that the Rav had advised against housing him in a home with young children. The family set up a round-the-clock, two-hour-shift Shabbos night watch outside the guest’s bedroom door, to keep a cautious, watchful eye on him. In the middle of the night, this person got up, saw the “guard” outside his door, left the house, and drove away. A couple of months later, the Rav happened to be in New York and met up with the man. When questioned about being mechalel (desecrating) Shabbos, his excuse was “It was pikuach nefesh (a threat to his life)”! It turned out he was a former yeshiva bus driver who was dismissed from his job and was wanted by the police.
Again, most of the time, we should open our hearts and pocketbooks to meshulachim who are truly in need. But caution also has its place. People are advised to check the letter issued by the Rav as a screening device. Note the date, to make sure that it is currently valid, as well as the photo. The certificate also includes a written description of why this person is needy, and a recommended donation classification to be used as a guide: one-meal-equivalent, standard, or generous.
If a person has any problem with a meshulach, he or she should call Rav Heinemann’s hotline 410-358-7513 that night, after 8:00 pm, and pass on the information. They should try to look at the letter and note the collector’s name or number. The person will be investigated, and if there is a serious problem with his behavior, Rav Heinemann will revoke his letter or not give him one. Incidentally, if a meshulach does not have a letter, you should assume that there is a good reason why he does not have it; don’t believe the excuse that he may tell you.
Organizational Safety Initiatives
The heimishe stranger problem has become so prevalent that organizations such as Project Y.E.S. (Youth Enrichment Services) and Misaskim, in New York has recently released its safety initiatives to the media. You can view Rabbi Yakov Horowitz’s (the founder of Project Y.E.S.) video, “Speaking to Your Kids about Personal Safety” on http://vimeo.com/25322132. Similarly, Misaskim has publicized its summer safety stranger danger article in Hamodia (June 29, 2011), which can be viewed online, at http://www.hamodia.com/inthepaper.cfm?ArticleID=954
According to Rabbi Horowitz, “The danger is so great and the education is so simple. Studies have found that children who participated in an abuse prevention education program were six to seven times more likely to demonstrate self protective behavior than children who had not. Research on abuse prevention has consistently found that parents can play a critical role in safeguarding their children. This can be done in an effective way that conveys key points…to even very young children…in a manner that will not provoke undue anxiety in your child and can, in fact, strengthen your parent child relationship.
“The basic building blocks of an effective child safety program begin with the simple process of sitting with your children and engaging them in conversation, assisted by the information you’ve obtained from the video,” continues Rabbi Horowitz. “Keep in mind that talking to children about safety is an ongoing process, not a single event. A parent-child relationship that is characterized by warmth and open communication, where the child knows that there is nothing he can say or do that will lead to the loss of his parents’ love, is probably the most effective means of preventing abuse. By far, education is the best way to keep our children safe. This is something you can do…Think of this program as a vaccination; it is most effective when everyone does it together, so please pass this message on to your friends and neighbors.”
Baltimore’s own child safety advocate, Bracha Goetz, sums it up best: “While ‘stranger danger’ is an important aspect of safety education, it is also essential that we educate our children about how to protect themselves from inappropriate advances that may come from people with whom they are familiar. We all need to be aware of the stats – the vast majority of abuse cases are perpetrated by teens or adults who are known to the children they victimize. It is vital that children be specifically taught that they have the right to say ‘No!’ to any touches that cause them to feel uneasy, even if they come from relatives, neighbors, staff members, or friends of the family, and then they need to tell their parents about this, as well. Our children also need to be calmly and clearly told that if they have already been touched inappropriately, it was not their fault, and it is very helpful and important for them to let their parents know about what happened.”
So, whether we are dealing with con men and imposters, missionaries or abusive members of our community, we need to face the reality and learn how to keep safe while retaining our faith, as much as possible, in our fellow man.
SIDEBAR:
What and How to Tell your Child about Stranger Safety
The first line of defense for families is supervision of their children and safety education. Although all children are vulnerable and can easily be lured away, children ages 8 to 12 years old are at the highest risk for abduction. Children need to understand the difference between “good” and “bad” strangers. This is important, so they can understand where and to whom to turn if they are ever lost, scared, threatened, or if they think someone is following them. Here are some tips of what to tell your child about safety and how to effectively say it.
- Strangers are not always messy and mean looking. They can be well dressed and seem very nice.
- You do not have to speak to a stranger who approaches you. If someone asks you for help – whether with packages or with a feigned disability – it is okay to pretend you didn’t hear and run away in the opposite direction.
- Someone may fake a crisis – like “Mommy had an accident and asked me to come get you” – in order to lure you to follow them. Warn your children about this common scenario and have an emergency plan in place – i.e., who will contact them if there is a true emergency and whom they should call if there is an emergency.
- Never accept candy or any other items from a stranger.
- Don’t go with anyone who promises to show you kittens or puppies or wants you to help look for a lost animal.
- Before going anywhere, accepting anything, entering a building, or getting into a car with anyone (even if that person is not a “stranger”), always check first with a parent or trusted adult.
- Always take a friend with you when going places or playing outside; employ the buddy system rather than going out alone.
- Say “No!” if someone tries to touch you, or treats you in a way that makes you feel sad, scared, or confused, and try to get out of the situation as quickly as possible.
- Tell a parent or trusted adult if you feel sad, scared, or confused. There will always be someone to help you, and you have the right to be safe.
- Safety is more important than manners. It is more important to get yourself out of a dangerous situation than to be polite.
- It is okay to tell a trusted adult or parent what happened; it is not considered speaking rechilus or lashon hara.
- If you are approached by a “bad” stranger who tries to persuade you or physically pull you away, the best thing you can do is to get the attention of other adults – whether by running to the nearest home or by shouting, blowing a whistle, or creating a scene to get attention. The vast majority of adults will help a child in danger.
- Know your name, address, and phone number.
- Never walk off with a stranger, no matter what he or she tells you. (There have been cases when strangers told stories regarding the victim’s parent being injured or sick to convince the victim to follow them.)
- If someone is following you in a car, try to remember the vehicle’s license plate and immediately tell a trusted adult.
- Never approach a stranger in a motor vehicle; just keep walking – in the opposite direction, if possible.
- Trust your instincts – if you feel that you are being followed or something is not right, seek help immediately.
- Escape the clutches of those who wish to harm you by convincing them that your parents or siblings are nearby and searching for you.
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How you speak to your child is also important:
- Since children do not have a good understanding of who a stranger is, it is much more beneficial to help them build the confidence and self-esteem they need to stay as safe as possible in any potentially dangerous situation they encounter rather than teaching them to be “on the look out” for a particular type of person.
- Speak to your children in a calm and reassuring voice. Frightening them can thwart the safety message and be paralyzing. The single most important thing to remember is to instill confidence, rather than fear.
- Speak openly. Children will be less likely to come to you about issues enshrouded in secrecy. Be more forthcoming in discussing subjects that they sense you are comfortable discussing.
- Ongoing communication with your children is important. Adapt the conversation as your child grows and is likely to encounter different types of situations.
- Don’t teach “stranger danger,” since the concept that danger to kids from strangers is largely a myth. In the majority of cases, the perpetrator is actually someone the parents or child knows, and that person may be in a position of trust or responsibility to the child and family.
- Practice “what if” scenarios to ensure that your children understand what you are teaching.
- Choose opportunities or “teachable moments” to reinforce safety skills. If an incident occurs in your community and your child asks you about it, speak frankly but with reassurance.
- Explain to your children that you want to discuss the safety rules with them, so that they will know what to do if they are ever confronted with a potentially dangerous situation. Equip your child with the knowledge and strategies they will need to protect themselves.
- Keep your child’s age and maturity level in mind and base your lessons upon that.
- Reassure your child with the fact that there really are many more good people, than bad.
