Last February, Malka read a book her mother bought, called Shidduch Secrets. One chapter was about a girl who, turned off by a shadchan’s harsh words, decided to focus on doing chesed and started visiting a nursing home. Malka was inspired by this true story, in which the girl ended up marrying the grandson of a nursing home resident. She pushed herself to make the three-mile roundtrip walk, alone, to Tudor Heights Senior Living, one Shabbos shortly after Pesach, since no friend was available to go with her.
Amazingly, shortly after Malka introduced herself to Mrs. Lapidus, one of Tudor Heights’ nonagenarian residents, a man who was there to visit his mother, together with his son, spoke to Mrs. Lapidus. She then turned to the son to ask his name and what school he was in.
The son said that his name was Moshe and that he had recently returned from learning in yeshiva in Israel and would now be learning at Ner Israel.
“Moshe and Malka!” Mrs. Lapidus proclaimed, as Malka turned away, embarrassed. Only after the father and son left the room did Mrs. Lapidus exclaimed to Malka, “I want to make a shidduch!”
When Malka returned home, she shared what had happened with her parents. Her mother, acting on Mrs. Lapidus’ suggestion right away, called her friend, Shalva Shafran, on Yeshiva Lane to redt it. Although she found out that Moshe had not even begun to date (and didn’t even have a shidduch profile yet!), she shared Malka’s shidduch profile with his mother.
The rest, as they say, is history, thanks to Mrs. Lapidus. To show their gratitude for the part she played in their shidduch, Moshe and Malka planned to bring her a photo of the three of them together, and Malka’s mother planned to bring her a portion of the shadchanus. They were all shocked to find out that she was hospitalized. Although Mrs. Lapidus knew her idea had come to fruition, she unfortunately did not live to receive their gifts. Instead, they were presented to Mrs. Lapidus’s son at the shiva house. By the way, she passed away just a few days before the birthday she and Malka shared – exactly 70 years apart!
The incredible small, but ultimately huge, details of hashgacha (divine providence) leading up to Moshe’s visit to his grandmother in Tudor Heights that Shabbos after Pesach further demonstrates Hashem’s behind-the-scenes orchestration of this – and each and every – shidduch.
“The only reason I was at home was because I had stayed in Israel for Pesach,” recalls Moshe. “Otherwise, I would not have taken off from yeshiva to spend time with my family when I got to Baltimore. Also, I went to Tudor Heights to visit my grandmother the day before, on erev Shabbos, but she was busy with some activity. When I returned a second time, that day, I was told, again, that she was busy with some activity. When both erev Shabbos attempts failed, I went to visit her on Shabbos – at the exact time Malka was there – and the rest is history!”
Moshe adds, “When I originally went to learn in Eretz Yisrael three years ago, I planned on staying there a year or two, but things were good, and I convinced my parents that I should stay longer. That, too, is part of the hashgacha. Another detail is that my parents were considering coming to Eretz Yisrael, either before or after Pesach, since my sister who lives there was expecting a baby around Pesach. She ended up not giving birth until two weeks after I left. Had they gone to my sister’s before Pesach, they wouldn’t have been home, and I would have been in Ner Israel.”
From the Mouths of Babes
A mother shared this story about a shidduch that came about because of her young daughter’s efforts to get her older sister married.
“Ten years ago, my 11-year-old daughter decided to ask her Navi teacher if he had any shidduch ideas for her 19-year-old sister who had just come home from seminary. The first time, he kind of brushed her off, saying he would think about it; the second time she asked him, he had the same reaction. On the way home from school, however, he realized that, perhaps his student’s sister would be a match for his 21-year-old son.
“He is chasidishe, we are not. But I already had a chasidishe son-in-law. In fact, our son-in-law worked with another son of this teacher. The brother asked my son-in-law, ‘What about your sister-in-law for my brother?’ Our son-in-law’s initial reaction was that it was not a match, but after he thought about it, he changed his mind and said, ‘Why not?’
“My son-in-law came to talk to me about this shidduch, and my 11-year-old walked into the room. When the room got quiet, she said, ‘I know what you are talking about – a shidduch for Mimi*, but that’s okay because I already took care of it! I spoke to my teacher, and he is looking for someone for her.’ I asked her what she told the teacher about Mimi. Without going into detail of all the things she told her teacher, it was not stuff you would find out if you were asking information about someone!
“Mimi started dating the teacher’s son and as time went on – and it wasn’t all that much time – I told her that if this worked out, we would have to tell her younger sister before the lechaim. ‘She can’t just walk in and see her teacher there.’
“The night before they were going to get engaged, I took my younger daughter out and asked her if she knew what a shadchan was? She said, ‘Yes; it’s someone who puts a boy and girl together to get married.’ I told her, ‘You know, sometimes a person can be a shadchan and not even know it!’ She looked at me and excitedly said, “Did my teacher find someone for Mimi?!’ I said, ‘Yeah, his son!’ Her face dropped; you never saw someone get so upset. She gasped, ‘My teacher is going to be my sister’s father-in-law?’ She was so upset; it was not what she expected. But she got shadchanus from both sides.”
Empty Spaces Now Filled
Chana, a Philadelphia –native-turned-Baltimorean, realizes that a huge cascade of events had to happen for her to meet her chasan, Shmuel. “I had been living with roommates in a house in Baltimore owned by a friend of mine. One roommate got a job in DC, she moved to Silver Spring. At the same time, landlady decided to sell her house, so my second roommate and I looked for an apartment. We heard of a family that had to relocate to Nevada and was looking to sublet their three-bedroom apartment in Pickwick. We moved in, sight unseen, in mid-September of last year.
“That same day, I saw this guy coming down the stairs with kids. He asked me if I was moving into the building. After I said I was, he told me that he lived upstairs, and we introduced ourselves and exchanged pleasantries.
“Over the next couple of weeks, we saw each other frequently in the parking lot. He used to work night shift and arrive home at 7 a.m., and I would leave for work around 7 a.m. We would spend 15 or 20 minutes talking, in passing. We found out we had a lot in common and enjoyed our conversations. I looked forward to seeing him every morning; I didn’t know what he was feeling at the time, but I felt a connection and felt that this person was supposed to be in my life in some capacity or another. We became friends, and I figured whatever happened, happened, and I would not have any expectations.
“On the mornings I was ready earlier, I would actually wait by my window for his car to pull up, so I could leave for work at the same time he was coming home. That continued until November.
“In November, I went to visit a friend in New Jersey. At this point, we were texting back and forth a lot. I needed to know where things stood, for my own sanity – if he saw our relationship going anywhere or not. Knowing would make me feel so much better. With the encouragement of my good friend, I called him and said, ‘Listen, I really like you and I see a potential for us in the future. Obviously, I am not asking you for any kind of relationship or commitment – he had been recently divorced – but I just want to know if you feel the same way.
“We talked tachlis for about two-and-a-half hours, about things like what we were we looking for in an ideal relationship and how we envisioned our home to look like. By the end of the conversation, he said, ‘I think I can see something between the two of us. I really like you. Right now, I am not in the position to be in a relationship, but let’s continue to be friends and see where that takes us.’ I said, ‘Great! That sounds good!’ I felt so much better.
“After that revealing conversation, our exchanges in the parking lot were a lot longer. We also spent Shabbos meals together, and I got to know his children. It was all very organic; the level of friendship was rapidly increasing. We had so many things in common and really enjoyed talking to each other.
“Although I knew there was a chance during our dating life that it might not work out and that things could turn awkward, it was worth the chance. I never took a chance like that before. Whatever happened, it was something I needed to do for my own sanity.
“In December, he said, ‘I think we are really dating without calling it dating.’ I said, ‘Yeah!’ He asked if I wanted to start dating him officially, and I said, ‘Yes, I do!’ We started dating, for real, and about nine months later we got engaged.
“You never know who is going to cross your path; be open and take a chance. If someone would have shown me Shmuel’s shidduch resume, I would have definitely not considered him. He is 12 years older than I am and has three kids. In my mind, I had an idea of the type of person I would marry, and this person was very different. But that person doesn’t exist and Shmuel does exist. He is real, and we are so much the same person in so many ways. Something really incredible happened when I was least expecting it!”
Shmuel agrees that a person is more than his or her resume, adding what he sees as some other messages of chizuk from his experience: “First, your zivug (mate) can appear anywhere, at any time,” said Shmuel, “and second, friends are the best marital candidates.”
Focusing on the Positive
WWW readers who participate in Bike4Chai or have seen photos of it were no doubt inspired by JJ Eizik, who has hand-cycled as many as 140 miles in the annual summer cycling fundraising event which directly benefits the children of Chai Lifeline.
JJ was diagnosed with osteosarcoma at 16, and has survived four recurrences of the disease – enduring 20 surgeries, four-and-a-half years of chemo, and the amputation of his left leg – without losing his zest for life.
His mother Ann shares the amazing puzzle pieces of hashgacha that led up to JJ’s shidduch with WWW readers: “My son finished yeshiva and after learning in Beis Medrash for two years, he wanted to move on with his life. He decided to become a chef. Baruch Hashem, he was able to get an internship at a very good restaurant in New Jersey, where he learned a tremendous amount and became a very successful chef.
“When JJ was 22, his friends started going out. He wanted to start going out, too, so we entered the world of shidduchim. Daunting as it is with ‘regular’ shidduchim, it is even more daunting with what we call ‘special shidduchim.’ My son had not only been sick with cancer but, as a result of it, had an amputation. There were two strikes against him. Who’s going to take him? I thought. Yet I saw all of his maalos (good qualities). I decided to just keep davening. Unfortunately, the system is such that people often put together two people just because they have an illness or some other issue, not really taking other factors into consideration, as you would with other shidduchim. Hopefully, some day that will change.
“JJ worked at the restaurant for three years and was promoted to sous chef. One evening, after his work shift, he noticed a man dining with a couple in the restaurant. The man had also had an amputation; they met through Chai Lifeline, and JJ had been mentored by him to help him get through his amputation. The couple he was sitting with was this man’s best friend and his wife, whom JJ knew from Chai Lifeline, as well. JJ liked his mentor very much and went over to the table to say hello. They started to shmooze, and JJ was invited to join them, which he did for a while.
“Being big jokesters, JJ and his mentor joked, shared stories, and reminisced. When the wife of his mentor’s best friend asked him where he was holding in shidduchim, JJ admitted he was having a rough time. She said, ‘We might have an idea for you; we’ll get back to you.’ We found out later that when this woman went home, she told her babysitter – her husband’s sister – ‘I think I just met your future husband! He has a great personality and he is very, very special.’
“Over the next few days, the idea was discussed further, and the woman disclosed JJ’s situation to her sister-in-law: ‘I think his personality is great and that you will really hit it off, but I think you need to know he had cancer and an amputation. He seems to be fine now and is doing okay.’
“This girl was used to the amputation of her brother’s best friend (JJ’s mentor), since he was a ben bayis in their home, growing up. In fact, the two pranksters would play tricks on her with the prosthetic leg, so she wasn’t fazed by it. We heard good things about this girl and she agreed to meet my son.
“They dated, and when JJ informed us that he was ready for us to meet her, it was just amazing. She was so warm, kind, and special; we could see that she really saw him for who he was – with all the good qualities he has and not for what he was missing. It was apparent that all of my tefilos were answered in a way that I had not even dared to ask. I had to keep telling myself it was real.
“When we met her parents, they were also so warm, accepting, and sensitive; they showed so much appreciation for our son and what he had been through. They shared with us some of the stories of how their daughter had gotten teased by her brother and his friend, and they showed a tremendous amount of emuna and bitachon in accepting this shidduch. It was amazing to see how Hakadosh Baruch Hu had prepared this shidduch and was leading the way.
“When the news of the engagement got out, the simcha was unimaginable. It was as if everyone felt that their tefilos had been answered. The wedding was truly everyone’s simcha. We were just zocheh to be a part of this amazing Yad Hashem – showing us, so clearly, how He is the real mezaveg zivugim (matchmaker), how He is kol yachol (all powerful)!
“I thank the Aibishter (Almighty) each and every day for all the chasadim that He has done for us and all the gezunt (health) He has given and continues to give my son. I continue to daven for this each and every day. I also have a somewhat better understanding that the nisyanos (tests) that we are put through really do have a purpose and help us grow to be ready for what comes next. The Ribono Shel Olam really had a plan for all of us!”
*pseudonym
