Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
We have been married for 12 years and have a few school-aged children. Lately, my husband has not been happy with the religious outlook the kids are getting in school. When they take out their parsha sheets on Shabbos, he objects to the things they have learned. Our Shabbos table used to be very pleasant. It isn’t anymore.
My husband wants to put the children into a more modern school. Nothing has changed about the schools they’re in; the schools are great, and the children are happy. I think it is my husband who is different.
When we got married, we both wanted the same kind of frum life. That was the basis of our marriage, and I never dreamed that it could change. But my husband seems to be gravitating toward a more modern lifestyle. He decided to switch shuls, because he said he didn’t like the people there. But I know that he did like the people. He wants to go to movies and other places we would not have gone before. And he sometimes makes remarks that sound like he has problems with emuna. I can’t bring myself to ask him if he has doubts; I’m afraid of the answer. I have recurring dreams (nightmares) in which my husband comes home and tells me he no longer wants to be frum.
Even if we switched the children’s schools, my husband would not be satisfied, because the dissatisfaction is inside of him. I love my husband, and we have close relationship; I certainly don’t want to argue with him. But this is not the life I signed up for. I don’t know if I can deal with changing the foundation of our life. Since my husband left his shul, we no longer have a rav we both look to for guidance. If I suggest that we speak to someone, I know he will choose a person who will support and validate him. If it’s someone I like, he will not agree to go. Please help!
On Thin Ice
Dear On Thin Ice:
I’m very sad to hear about your predicament. This is a very difficult situation that unfortunately is not uncommon any more. Sometimes this occurs because people get married before their ideas about the world and their own place within Yiddishkeit have had a chance to mature. Sometimes they simply are unprepared for the demands of life, including the trials and glitches that come with marriage. In their unhappiness, they blame Hashem, rather than turning to Him for help. Whatever the source, this situation affects everyone in the family.
I think your best option is to get in touch with your former Rav, the person you have a kesher with from before your husband decided to make a change. Explain the situation, and, please, don’t feel embarrassed. Your Rav has heard this and worse and will not blame you for what’s happening. He will give you some guidance, including suggestions about what to do or say and what not to do or say. He may very well recommend seeing a counselor, if not with your husband, then by yourself, to help you keep things together while you weather this storm.
The strength of your relationship with your husband can help you in dealing with this. You will need to be very careful. Avoid criticizing your husband or his ideas and don’t get into heavy philosophical discussions. Instead, spend some time together, reminding each other of the qualities that attracted you to each other in the first place. I will add that there is no “usual” outcome in this sort of crisis. Couples either come out of it stronger or they come to see that there’s no way they can remain together. Sometimes, a husband and wife agree to disagree, going in different directions as far as hashkafa is concerned, but maintaining their very basic commitment to their relationship. Whatever path you choose, be sure you get hadracha (guidance) constantly along the way.
Finally, be sure to turn to the source of all answers. Say your tehilim (psalms) and increase your tefilos (prayers). The Aibishter (Hashem) is right there with you. May He help you and your husband find a resolution to this situation.
