Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
A couple of issues ago, you answered a question from Biting My Tongue, who was unhappy that that her son and his wife are “conscious of the `good life,’ and like to buy fashionable clothing, expensive furniture, and hi-tech gadgets..It seems that their life and their conversations now revolve around money.”
I don’t know if it was my mother who wrote the letter, but it could have been. I would like to say to her that, while she might think that she’s biting her tongue, her message is coming through loud and clear. What she doesn’t say in words, she says in disapproving looks. It is so unpleasant that it is actually damaging my self-confidence. Every time we go there, my wife and I have some sort of argument. We feel small and bad, as though we’re doing something terribly wrong.
I admit that our lifestyle is not the same as that of my parents. But I am a grown man, and entitled to my choices. My parents were good parents and tried to bring us up with their values, but my wife and I have chosen a different course – not vastly different, but a little different. We spend more on luxuries, but for big questions, including how to raise our children, we consult our rabbi. He may not be our parents’ rabbi, but he is someone we respect and who gives us good guidance.
We’re at the point where we would like to cut back a lot on our visits. Distancing selves from the family seems like a drastic thing to do, but we are trying to protect our own essence. We are bringing up our children the way we want to, and we don’t want our parents to undermine us – although they haven’t yet done that. Do you think that this is an appropriate move? Or is there an alternative? All I want is for my mother to respect me, even if I am not exactly what she wanted me to be.
All Grown Up
Dear All Grown Up,
It seems that, for all the years that this silent battle has been going on between you and your mother, you chose the road of avoidance. You tried not to get into any disagreements, and the result is that your negative feelings have grown to the point that you feel “small and bad” and are considering distancing yourself from your family.
Instead of taking such a drastic action, I think the time has come for you to meet with your parents and tell them how unhappy you and your wife are about their disapproval and judgments. Your mother may not be fully conscious of how strongly she projects her feelings through her looks and body language.
Explain to your parents that it means a lot to you to have a relationship with family but that you have been very reluctantly considering minimizing your contact. Make it clear that you really don’t want to do that, and that you hope they can come to accept you as you are.
You say you want respect from your mother. Respect has to be won. I feel that if you really are all “grown up,” having an honest and straightforward meeting will demonstrate that. If you can put it across to your mother that you and your wife have thought through your decisions and discussed them with your rav, it could be that she will come to understand that you are getting good guidance, and she may ultimately respect your decisions, albeit grudgingly. There are many ways to live life. Why not point out ways that you fulfill mitzvas with your more luxurious lifestyle. If she sees that, you shouldn’t have to worry about respect.
Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
My daughter is getting married soon, and I am dreading having to see my ex-husband at the chasana. It’s been a couple of years now since the get, but seeing him still makes my stomach turn. People tell me it’s enough already, that I should get over it, but I can’t help it; it’s a physical revulsion. Of course, I am very thankful to Hashem for my daughter’s wonderful shidduch, and am so happy for her as she begins her new life. Is there anything I can do before or during the wedding to help me get through it with the minimum amount of pain?
Sincerely,
Anxious
Dear Anxious,
Why not do as you yourself write in your letter: “I am very thankful to Hashem for my daughter’s wonderful shidduch, and am so happy for her as she begins her new life.” Remember these words as you attend the chasana. This is your daughter’s wedding, and she wants both her parents to be there for the event. Keep her happiness uppermost in your mind, rather than your pain.
Although there will be certain points in the ceremony when you will be forced to see your ex, I’m sure that you have given thought to the photography and seating arrangements in order to avoid each other. But, again, just remember how happy and thankful you are to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. May the Aibishter (G-d) give you the strength to be a lady at this wedding. And at the appropriate time, may He help that you yourself should find a new life
