Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
I’m beginning to think I have a problem with money. I like to buy nice things for my children, my husband, and myself. I feel good when we go out together and everyone is well dressed. My parents always emphasized the importance of looking presentable, and my in-laws feel the same way.
I am a good shopper and almost always manage to get good deals. I’m very conscious of prices and value, and I buy things at big markdowns. This has worked for us in the past, but now the bills are piling up. Sometimes, I even lie to my husband about how much something cost. He makes a decent salary, and I work part-time. But it is not enough. We used to pay off our credit card bill each month. Now, I am only paying the minimum amount, which means that the interest is skyrocketing. We are a month behind on the mortgage, too.
I take care of the bills, so my husband doesn’t know exactly what’s going on. I know he would be upset if he did. Yet I can’t change my shopping habits; I feel ashamed of what I am doing, but that doesn’t stop me.
What Should I Do?
Dear What Should I Do,
You describe two issues. The first is that you want to change your shopping habit but feel unable to. All habits are hard to change, but it can be done. Your motivation is strong, because you recognize that your behavior is financially damaging and could also affect your marriage. The fact that you are ashamed will help you as well. When you get up in morning, say to yourself, I am not going to do this! Set a goal of not spending over a certain amount of money this month – no matter what. Next month, raise the amount, until, little by little, you will break the habit.
If you have made a serious effort but still cannot control the shopping, I suggest you contact an agency that works with addictions. There is such a thing as a shopping addiction, and it can lead to other addictions of a more serious nature. But the first step is to acknowledge what it is.
The second issue in your letter concerns your relationship with your husband. From the way you write, I think you understand that it is not a good idea to get into the habit of lying to your husband. It can cause many problems, and there’s really no reason for it. If you need help in overcoming your habit, why not lay it all out for your husband. Say, “Look, I need help with this.” Knowing what you are up against, he will hopefully understand and help you. That would take a lot of pressure off you. I would urge you to talk to your husband and reach a new level of understanding.
May the Almighty help you fulfill all your good intentions.
Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
I feel that my adult child who is living at home is lacking in the midda of hakaras hatov (appreciation). I go back and forth about how I can help her gain that midda. When she goes to work, I always make a lunch for her, because if I don’t, she will not make one for herself and will just eat potato chips all day and come home starving. I don’t mind making the lunch, but it bothers me that she has come to expect it and barely manages to mumble a thank you. Sometimes I think that maybe I shouldn’t be doing this, because she is an adult and I am treating her like a baby. Maybe I am really filling my own need, since she doesn’t seem to care. On the other hand, I would be happy to make the lunch but would like a little sincere thanks. How can I change this scenario?
Short-Order Cook
Dear Short-Order Cook,
It seems to me that your problem is less about helping your daughter gain the midda of hakaras hatov than about helping her grow up. While it is not inherently bad to make a child lunch, what’s happening because of it, in your case, is not good. Your daughter is not learning to take responsibility. You yourself recognize that you really are trying to fill your own motherly need to give. But when a child is ready to be independent, the motherly thing to do is to gently nudge her out of the nest. Treat her like an adult, so that she will learn how to be an adult. She will have her own home one day, and you want her to be competent to run her own life.
I feel that you should definitely not make her lunch anymore. If she wants to eat potato chips, let her. Say to yourself, my daughter is all grown up, and I’m not going to treat her like a baby anymore. Then stick to it. And if you want appreciation, tell her directly that if something is done for her, it deserves a thanks.
Please take my advice to heart and follow through. You will help your daughter grow up and help yourself, too.
