When we bench Rosh Chodesh each month, we ask G-d to grant us a long healthy life, peace, wealth, honor, and fear of G-d. Wealth and income are included among the most important things for which we all pray, and Judaism does not consider it beneath us to petition Him for something so mundane. I thought it would be interesting to explore how families deal with their money situation on both ends of the wealth spectrum – because both groups have their challenges. On the one hand, how do you teach your children to be thrifty if you have plenty of money? On the other hand, how do you teach your children to be happy with what they have if you don’t have very much? Is your family proud of managing on a tight budget, or is it proud of spending liberally on houses, vacations, and cars?
Frugality for Fun and Profit
I started my research by interviewing people in the low income brackets, because they are easier to find and easier to ask. Penina* is a stay-at-home mother of a large family who sometimes supplements the family’s income by babysitting. Though their income is low, it is very important to Penina that her children not feel deprived and different from other families, and she works hard to achieve that goal. “I don’t want my children to feel that we are poor. I never say that we can’t afford something but, rather, that we don’t need it. Once I realized I was almost too successful, when my ten-year-old son asked me why I work. I thought the answer was obvious. “I work because I need to earn money,” I told him. “But we don’t need money,” he said. “We are rich!”
Penina is quite fashion conscious. “My nature is to be observant of details” she says. “I am very aware of what is in fashion, and I want my daughters to look pretty and up–to-date in their Yom Tov clothes. This year I bought fabric and made matching skirts for all my daughters. Each skirt cost about $10 vs. $50 for buying it already made. I also bought plain tights and decorated them with sequins and ribbons. The biggest compliment came from my eleven-year-old daughter when she told me that the tights looked store bought! I also bought a stylish vest for my baby, because it was really important to my older children that he look cute!“
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I heard another way of dealing with a low income from Sholom, a father of many children. Sholom never seems to have enough to cover all of his family’s needs, yet when I asked him how he dealt with the lack of money, he said, “You are asking the wrong guy. I feel I have plenty of money…usually.” He explained the hashkafos he tries to convey to his children: “I am not playing pretend when I tell the children that we have enough, because I truly feel that we have money for all that we need. Even when things get a bit tight, I tell the children that we will, i”H, have the ability to get them whatever they need. If we can’t get what they want right now, it is not the end of the world. The attitude is contagious. When my daughter started telling me a long list of things she needed for seminary, I told her to jot down all the items and their prices, and then we talked about what we could buy now and what we would try to do without. Just the act of writing the list and going over it with her helps her feel that I care about her and understand her needs. Instead of emphasizing all the things we can’t afford, I emphasize the things we can afford.”
Sholom’s answers made me smile. They reminded me of the famous story about R’ Zusha. Someone once asked a rabbi how people can be expected to thank G-d for the bad as well as for the good. The rabbi told him to go ask R’ Zusha, whom he knew was very poor and sick. When the man came to R’ Zusha, R’ Zusha was very surprised. “Why are you asking me,” he said. “I have everything that I need, and no complaints, so how can I know about thanking G-d for the bad?”
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Judy is a single mother supporting her family on her own. She lives on a very limited income and is aware of exactly what she can afford. She does not see an advantage of having her children feel that they can spend whatever they want. “I think it is important to teach my children how to live within our means,” she says. “Being poor or rich is not dependent on how much money you make but on how much money you spend. If you earn $2,000 a month, but you spend $3,000, then you are poor and in debt. But if you earn $2,000 and only spend $1,200, you are comfortable.” Recently, one of her children got a full-time job and is beginning to support herself. Judy sat down with her daughter, Laya and described how money works. She explained that, even though she was earning money, she still had to plan ahead and think about what she could afford. After figuring out her expenses, like car payments, car insurance, and cell phone bills, there was only a small amount left over for extra spending like going out to eat.
Learning how a credit card works is not automatic, either. Judy explained to Laya when she would get the bill each month and how much it would cost her to carry over a balance from one month to the next. “Budgeting is a very important skill,” Judy says, “and it is important for everyone to learn how to live within their means.”
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I asked two brothers who grew up in a family where money was always tight how their childhood affected their adult life and the way they are bringing up their own children. It is interesting to see how two brothers can grow up in the same family during the same approximate time period but see things differently.
Benny, the older brother, remembers his parents as approaching life with little money but a great deal of generosity of spirit. He says, “When I was younger, my parents represented a very idealistic version of the unimportance of extra money. They told me that when I got older I would agree with them, and of course, I was skeptical. As time passed, their views and mine both seem to have evolved into something like this: “Above a threshold necessary for survival – i.e., tuition, medical bills, food, occasional major repairs, and simchas – money is not important. So I guess, in a sense, they came to agree with me, and I certainly also agree with them.
“Not being accustomed to indulgence is a gift,” Benny continues. “We have, ka”h, more than enough, which is a wonderful feeling but is only true because we have simple needs. My parents and my in-laws modeled for us a very deep spiritual generosity, which is immeasurably more important than money. When they have a few extra dollars, they give it away, but even during “slow periods,” they are giving in warmth, emotional support, and presence. We aspire to build on the attribute of getting more joy from giving than from driving a slightly nicer car or buying another outfit; and hopefully we will be able to pass it on to our kids as well.”
Benny’s younger brother Yoel seems to have felt the pinch of poverty more than his sibling and is more determined that his children not live that kind of life. “My parents never gave any education about money. In fact I don’t recall it being discussed much at all other than money-doesn’t-buy-happiness conversations. That being said, I was a child who lacked self-confidence, and I was acutely aware that we had less than some of my friends, and it bothered me a lot. I felt very embarrassed by our old jalopy, as my classmates called it. In addition, there was constant tension due to lack of money, specifically around Yamim Tovim time. I remember feeling that I could cut with a knife. So I grew up always wanting to have money. Despite my having the teaching gene, I knew pretty early that I wouldn’t be a rebbe, because I did not want the lifestyle. I don’t desire luxuries; however I want to be wealthy so I don’t need to constantly worry. I have a ‘hunger.’ That’s what my business associates tell me they don’t see in most of their other sales people.”
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Some people take great pride in managing with less money. They are proud of being thrifty and squeezing the last drop of value from the resources they have. When I was in seminary, I used to go to Leah’s house sometimes to help her with the children or for Shabbos meals. Once, I saw she had a huge box of cantaloupes that were going bad. Cutting of the good pieces of cantaloupe and putting them in a big bowl to serve to her family, Leah explained to me that the grocer had given her the box of rotting fruit for free.
“Wow, that was nice of him,” I exclaimed.
“Most people are horrified when they see me doing this,” she commented. But instead of feeling ashamed, Leah was proud of her skills in feeding her large family with only a small budget.
Similarly, Goldy, whose brother has a grocery store, told me, “My brother gives me the end of the cheese blocks that are too small to slice, and I grate them on a hand grater. It is just as good as the shredded cheese from the store, and it is free!”
Thriftiness carries over to other aspects of life also. On Chol Hamoed, families may choose to go on trips to parks and take hikes rather than going to amusement parks. They enjoy having a good time with the family without spending tons of money on rides. Instead of having the newest car, they drive their old one for as many miles as possible, taking pride in making it last for many years. “We’ve had the same van since my fourteen–year-old was a baby, and it is still taking us where we need to go,” Dina boasts. Some families take this notion so far that they would be embarrassed to drive around in a new car!
Then there is another category, which I call bargain hunters. When they get a new outfit for themselves or their children, they can’t wait to tell their friends where they bought it and how little they paid! Interestingly, this group is not limited to those who can’t afford to pay full price. Rather, they are people at all income levels who love the thrill of getting a bargain, and feel a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction in maximizing their resources.
The Problems with Plenty
It was not hard to find people who have less money, but it somehow it feels strange to say to someone, “Hey, I heard you have a lot of money. How do you bring up your kids?” But in order to balance this article I had to bite the bullet, and here are the results! Along with interviewing my captives, I used a book about money published by Mesila, called Your Money and Your Life, by M. Heimowitz. The book is a compilation of questions and answers that were originally published in the Hamodia newspaper.
One of the questions discusses limiting your purchases even if you can afford not to. A parent asked about whether to buy a $600 pair of designer glasses for a child because she claimed everyone had them and she really wanted them.
The author answers: “If your daughter needs the glasses – and it is possible that she does –then you should consider getting them for her…. But if she only wants the glasses, then her initial disappointment at not getting them will fade quickly and she will be a stronger, happier person for the experience. Stronger, because she has learned how to handle disappointment, and happier because her expectations have been lowered, and it is therefore easier for her to be content.” (Interestingly, the author admits the possibility that a luxury item is a “need,” a psychological one, perhaps.) He continues with the thought that spending $600 on a pair of glasses may cause the child to lose perspective of the value of money. “With $600 you can buy glasses for an entire family, or feed a family for several weeks. To spend that kind of money on glasses will either cause the glasses to take on inflated significance or reduce the value of $600 in your daughter’s eyes. Another aspect of the question is the responsibility to the tzibur, the peer group. If your daughter buys those glasses, she will increase the peer pressure among the other girls in the class, some of whom may not be able to afford those glasses.”
Other ideas discussed in this answer are that, by buying the very best and the most expensive glasses, the parents are setting the bar of expectations very high for their daughter herself. They may be creating a precedent that will be difficult to sustain. And if she gets used to having the very best and priciest accessories, “how will she deal with it when she grows up and is independent and may not be able to afford such expensive items?”
Mesila goes on to explain that there is a value in saying no to one’s child for no other reason than having them experience the feeling of disappointment that comes with not getting everything that you want. The author quotes the Steipler Gaon, who said that the reason so many people are sad or depressed today is because they never lacked anything when they were growing up, so they never developed the coping skills to deal with disappointment.
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A man who kindly agreed to speak to me about this subject concurred with most of the above even though he didn’t read the book. Pinchas is a business man, who emphasized that he is not very rich but has enough money to afford some extras. One of the principles that guides his attitude towards spending money is the desire to avoid causing pain to others. “The laws of tznius (modesty) apply to spending money,” he stressed. “When my children ask me for things that will flaunt our wealth, I tell them I don’t want to cause pain to my neighbor down the street who is having trouble paying his mortgage.” About giving children whatever they want because he can afford to, he said, “I always give my children less than they ask for, even if I can afford more, because I think it is valuable to have limits, not to have a sense of entitlement, and to learn to deal with disappointment.”
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Chana, the mother of a young adult, shared with me her frustration about educating her son to be thrifty and careful with money when he knows that there is plenty available. “Budgeting is not such an easy skill to teach, especially if the young adult has the perception that his parents have plenty of money and can easily give him as much money as he needs to buy everything he wants,” she told me. If he sees that his parents spend money freely at home, it is hard to convince him that he should be more careful when he is on his own. “I want Dovid to understand that he did not earn the money, and therefore, even if he gets an allowance, he should not feel that he can spend money without thinking. I am worried about his sense of entitlement and also about how he will manage if he does not have access to extra money when he is independent. Unfortunately, when I talk to him about sticking to a certain budget and planning what he is going to spend his money on, he is not willing to stick to the plan, and I find it very hard to say no to him when he calls and asks for more money. I think we are not setting a good example, because it seems to him as though we have an unlimited amount of money for our desires. It bothers me that when we were on a Chol Hamoed trip, I brought along bottled water so we wouldn’t have to buy drinks, but he did not hesitate or ask before buying two ice cold drinks for $3 each.”
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Tova, an adult who grew up in a wealthy home many years ago, told me how her parents taught her about the bracha of having a lot of money and how it should be used. “My parents never talked about money,” Tova explained. “In those days people did not talk about things as openly as today. Money was just never discussed, just as we didn’t talk about food. If Mommy served food, we ate it, and our likes and dislikes were not discussed. In the same way, money was not spoken about. I did not even realize that my parents had more money than the average until I was almost an adult. My parents gave a lot of tzedaka, and collectors often came to the house. My parents took care of them generously, and everything was recorded carefully in a ledger. They lived very simply, and most of the things we had were within the norms of the community. All the hashkafos I learned from my parent about living in a way that is not ostentatious and giving tzedaka in a responsible fashion were learned through observation.
“On the other hand,” Tova continued, “We did have certain extravagances that most of my friends did not have. My father drove a Cadillac, and we traveled frequently to Europe. It was just part of our life, and I accepted it as normal. My parents did things in a quiet fashion that they could afford, and did not feel that they needed to feel apologetic towards others who could not afford those things.”
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Somehow, even though we live in a society in which people do not have as many secrets as in previous generations, and tend to talk openly about many subjects, how much money you have is still somewhat taboo. I have changed names and details of all the people I talked to. I imagine that those who know me will have fun trying to guess who the people are who are discussed in this article. I hope I have disguised them well enough so that they won’t be able to figure it out. It was interesting to talk to different members of our community and see how much of what we experience in life is as dependent on our feelings, and perceptions as it is on the actual black and white facts. How we see our situation and our attitudes about money will affect the way we lead our lives.
*all names are changed
