Which of these three mitzvos would you say is most important? Visiting the sick, comforting mourners, or escorting guests a few feet when they leave your house?
According to Rabbi Henoch Plotnik, in a recent Mishpacha magazine article, the Rambam offers these three illustrations of vehalachta bedrachav, walking in the ways of Hashem, and says that escorting a guest four amos (about seven feet) is the most prominent. Rabbi Plotnik quotes the explanation of Rav Dovid Kronglas’, zt”l: “Whereas with comforting mourners and visiting the sick you are supplying the recipient with something tangible,” said Rabbi Kronglas, “escorting someone for four amos, as the halacha mandates, supplies him with nothing at all – except for his dignity
He is important enough to be escorted! It is a kleinekeit, barely any trouble and hardly very difficult. But it changes the value of the visitor in his own eyes. You have done very little, but accomplished much. And the host is now honorably defined as walking in the ways of Hashem.”
I found this Torah thought very inspiring. Greatness, it seems, is not only for famous people who accomplish big things. We all have the opportunity to be great – to walk in the ways of Hashem – in our own little worlds, in our ordinary interactions with the people we meet in day-to-day life.
Connecting through the Telephone
My friend Chaya was having hard time finding a yeshiva for her son. When finally told that a rosh yeshiva was willing to meet with him, she tried to set a date and time for the appointment. She left message after message on the yeshiva answering machine, to no avail. There was no response, either positive or negative. “I felt like I was dropping my messages into a black hole,” she said. “Who knows if anyone even listened to them?” Chaya describing the feeling that such a non-response generated: “I felt that they weren’t in the least bit interested in meeting my son, and that I was so worthless and insignificant in their eyes that they couldn’t even find the time to pick up the phone and talk to me.”
When Chaya called another yeshiva, she had a completely different experience: “A friendly man answered the phone and told me that he would find out what was going on with my son’s application. He was empathetic and kind. His response made me feel good, even though he didn’t give me a positive answer and had very little information. But the fact that he bothered to answer the phone and treated me like a person who had value made me feel good and lifted my spirits.”
Who knew that such a simple thing as answering the phone or returning a message could accomplish so much?
Sometimes people avoid responding because they have no good news to impart. They may feel uncomfortable denying a request or saying that they can’t help, so they just ignore the person instead. This happens a lot in shidduchim. Rena says, “Many times we are waiting for a response from a boy my daughter is interested in meeting, and we get no answer at all. Even though it is painful to get a no, it is more painful to wait and wait and keep on wondering. If we know for sure that the boy is not interested, we can stop dreaming about him and start working on the next idea.”
Another reason people don’t respond is when it is unpleasant. While it’s easy to talk to people we like, some people are annoying, and we sort of wish they would just go away. Sora, who works in an office answering phones, says, “A man calls us very often and asks annoying questions or tells us irrelevant information. Every time I see his number on caller ID, I battle with myself about whether I should pick up and speak to him politely or ignore his phone call. It is a struggle each time to treat him with dignity. But when I win the battle, I know it brings me one step closer to greatness.”
Not-So-Easy Kindness
It takes greatness to overcome the discomfort, pick up the phone, and make the connection. In her own small way, in this common work situation, Sora was unknowingly emulating the legendary chesed of Rebbetzin Kanievsky, z”l. Some of the most remarkable stories in ArtScroll’s popular new book about her describe how she dealt with people who were mentally ill. In one incident, a disturbed woman who was angry at the Rebbitzen poured a bucket of water over her head; the Rebbetzin remained calm. Another time, a mentally unbalanced man came to speak to R’ Chaim, but R’Chaim was at a bris, serving as sandek. “‘I don’t believe he’s at a bris…,’ screamed the man. ‘I think he’s really here in the house!’ Then the Rebbitzen appeared. ‘Have you eaten breakfast yet?’ she asked kindly.…Please come into the cheder hasefarim and eat.’ She served him a full breakfast. As he was eating R’ Chaim returned home…”
It is not hard to serve breakfast to people whom we like and feel comfortable with, but what greatness it is to show empathy to a distraught stranger.
All It Takes Is a Smile
In the Mishpacha article, Rabbi Plotnik expands on the idea of “just four amos”: “Our actions don’t need to be superhuman for us to be super humans,” he writes. “Even the most mundane, insignificant action can become special and noteworthy. And the greater we are, the bigger our little things become.”
This was certainly true of Dovid’s experience with the rabbi who has an office in the building he lives in. David marvels at how friendly the rabbi is to him: “Rabbi M always greets me so cheerfully,” says Dovid. “Even if I am across the street, he makes an effort to say hello. It makes me feel like a respected person.”
Even a small thing like a smile, a slurpee or a phone call can make another person feel valued. “One of my daughters has a Big Sisterwho takes her out once a week,” says Gail, a mother of twins. “Whenever they buy a treat, my daughter Rivka brings something home for her sister, Leah. It makes Leah feel good each time, even though it is just a Slupree or a piece of candy.”
Penina, a single mother of two, appreciates it when her friend Temima calls her every Friday to wish her a good Shabbos. “It is just a small thing but it helps me welcome Shabbos with a smile on my face. I feel connected to another person and less alone.”
Yaakov, a man who reads a lot and comes across information about many topics, uses his hobby to help others. “Whenever I see an article or news item that I think will help my family or friend, I make sure to send it to them,” says Yaakov.
Rabbi M, Rivka, Temima, and Yaakov all manage to emulate Hashem without spending much money and with very little effort.
Beyond Four Amos
Although I intended this article to be about small acts of chesed that have great effects, I couldn’t resist including some stories I heard about chasadim that require a little more thought and effort than escorting a guest four amos.
“About 30 years ago, my son was knocked down by a car on Shemini Atzeres,” Mrs. Rubin told me in response to my request for ideas for this article. “I was still in the hospital with him after Yom Tov was over. Two of my friends went to my house, picked up all the dirty laundry my family had used over the eight days of Yom Tov, washed the clothes, dried them and returned the laundry to my house folded and ready to be used. I still can’t get over their creativity and generosity in doing something so useful and appreciated.”
Indeed, sometimes it is the creativity with which people do chesed that makes such a vivid impression that the recipient is still marveling about it years later. “Many people helped me when I was sick, a few years ago,” says Mrs. Podell. “One friend came over and put up lighted address numbers so that people could find my house easily if I needed help. He didn’t ask questions or make a big thing about it; one day I came home and the numbers were already up. I continue to be amazed at his creative kindness to this day.”
Appreciation Is Also a Kindness
People feel good to be acknowledged. That includes teachers, of course, who appreciate recognition even if teaching is their job. Like all of us, they enjoy it when their efforts are noticed. A teacher shared with me a poem that he got from one of his students together with a plate of cake:
This sweet little treat is just for you,
’Cause you worked so hard this whole year through!
You built up my confidence, knowledge and skill,
Showed me what I can do if I have the will.
Was all that effort for my happiness or yours?
I think it went both ways, for sure.
I feel so good and I hope you do too,
Because my gains this year all came from you!
So now you have the chance to relax in the sun,
Sit back with a snack and have some fun.
Remember the sweet year we had,
You encouraged me and made me feel glad.
Enjoy this small token of my appreciation,
And have a great summer vacation.
This poem describes so beautifully the give-and-take between teacher and pupil, acknowledging that the teacher is also human and gains satisfaction when his students learn. It was a small gesture; a homemade gift that cost very little, but the gratefulness comes through so clearly.
So yes, greatness is accessible to all of us. We don’t have to make profound speeches, influence hundreds, or feed thousands; we can emulate Hashem in our own homes, with our own families, friends, neighbors, and acquaintances. The same old staples of chesed never go out of style. Simply by treating each other with kindness and dignity, displaying patience in unpleasant situations, and devoting a bit of thought and creativity to our deeds of chesed, we will be able to fulfill the dictate of vehalachta bedrachav.
