About a year ago,
just after the height of COVID intensity, a group in my shul gathered to
consider what kind of COVID compliant activity we could do to enable people to
socialize safely. We agreed that the activity should be outdoors to reduce the
risk of transmission. After some discussion, I agreed to lead a Perek Shira hike along one of the local
waterways.
Perek Shira is a beautiful text from Talmudic times
which links items in creation with verses in the Torah. As we experienced
nature together, we had so much to talk about regarding the water, the trees,
and the wildlife that we encountered. About midway in the hike, we stopped to
rest, and I introduced the group to a little sport I love, called “launching.”
I showed the group
how to choose a stick that was big enough to throw and that would float well. I
then invited everyone to toss their stick into the water and watch it as it
headed downstream navigating the rocks and rapids. As the boys took to the game
and began throwing stick after stick, creating their own rules of competition,
I gathered the adults and explained the symbolism I saw in this game.
In life we
experience many relationships that we hope will stay intact for long periods of
time. These include family relationships and neighborly friendships. But there
are also relationships that are only designed to last for a given period of
time. Examples include the teacher/student relationships of elementary school,
and many types of skill-building coaching, where the relationship is typically
designated to be a year or less. After that, the mentor launches the student
into the continuum of life, hoping that the skills imparted will serve him or
her well. The teacher or short-term coach, for the most part, stands at the
distance and (hopefully) watches with pride as the student navigates the rocks
and rapids of life, proud of the growth that the student has experienced and
internalized. Sure, the teacher or coach can reach out occasionally and help
out if the student gets stuck on a rock. But for the most part, the student
carries a wealth of knowledge and experience from the trainings and is usually
able to do surprisingly well.
It is for this
reason that I find graduations to be most inspiring. Often teachers from the
formative years are in attendance. They come to bask in the nachas of students that they may not
have interacted with for years. But these are students that they “launched”
years ago, and who have managed to stay on course, growing and navigating
through the obstacles and opportunities of life. These teachers gave the skills
the students needed to move on to the next level, and now they have the
opportunity to witness the success of those whom they launched.
As a mediator I
often get to experience this joy with clients. During a time of crisis, we
might share some intense sessions, as we work together to sort out life
priorities and relationships. Bridges of communication are built, priorities
are negotiated, and soon enough the block of mediation sessions comes to a
close. With newfound clarity and skills, the participants can move on to
healthier and more productive interactions.
Even in cases
where marriage intervention is not called for and divorce is appropriate, there
is a great achievement to be acknowledged if two souls intertwined in a
troubled relationship can be granted a new lease on life. Through good
mediation, much bitterness can be overcome, and confidence can be built in a
bright and productive future.
Some people see
mediation as a passive facilitation of opinions, where the mediator presides. I
think that misses the great gift of mediation. Mediation is a team effort,
where the mediator breathes hope and opportunity into a troubled relationship.
A mediator can help a client find his or her voice and facilitate moving a
relationship to a dignified place. With newfound confidence, hope, and skills,
a client can move on from mediation, launched and empowered to take charge
through healthy relationship management and interactions.
There are
certainly relationships that we experience hand-in-hand for years and sometimes
generations. But for me, the graduation ceremony symbolizes a unique type of
relationship in which two lives intersect for a relatively brief period to
bestow the gift of knowledge, skills, or techniques. It is that gift, and the
successful launching that follows, that is cause for great celebration.
Rabbi Mordechai Rhine is a Coach
and Mediator based in Maryland. He has served as a community Rav and lecturer
for over two decades. He can be reached through his websites, www.care-mediation.com and
www.teach613.org, or by email at RMRhine@gmail.com.
