Fame is a funny thing. In today’s America, it is coveted and admired, even if it comes from nothing more than hitting a ball with a stick called a bat. Some people even seem to be famous only for being famous! Yet fame – or, more appropriately, renown and recognition – is also a predictable result of doing something of value to others. Rabbanim, speakers, teachers, and those who devote time and effort to community work – though they shy away from publicity – tend to be well known and liked in the community. It is just as Pirchei Avos says: “Who is honored? One who honors every person.”
But what about the children of the famous? How do they feel with a parent who attracts attention everywhere he or she goes and is busy with so much more than family? Do they feel resentful? Proud? As I started to interview for this article, I wondered whether the children would talk to me frankly. Fortunately, I found that the stereotype of the neglected child was not as common as I had thought.
An Hour with “Ta”
Rabbi Paysach Krohn is one of the most captivating, humorous, and charismatic Torah lecturers and authors of our time, in addition to being a popular, fifth-generation mohel. His daughter, Faige Kramer, of Baltimore, never felt neglected, and told mehow proud she is to have him for a father. “My parents had a pact that both of them would not be out of the house on the same night,” says Mrs. Kramer. “So, at first, when my father would speak, my mother would be home with us. All five of us children also had “our hour.” Once a week, my father would spend an hour with each of the kids. We could go wherever we wanted. I liked bowling, ice cream, and walking around a track near our house. I always felt my father was in tune with all my issues.
“As time went on and we were all married, my father was able to be out more and pack his schedule more,” continues Mrs. Kramer. “I would call up and say, ‘Ta, when is it a good time to talk?’ Then I knew that when I called or came over to talk, he would really be paying attention. No phones, no emails. It felt just like the old days.”
Mrs. Kramer says the most important life lessons her father taught her were to always remember who you are, and to ask da’as Torah. “My father has asked his rebbe, Rav Dovid Cohen, for advice many times as to how to deal with issues that come his way.
“Some people have a misconception about being raised by a famous person,” she says. “It really all comes down to the level of devotion the famous person wants to commit to family. To my father, nothing is as important as family. He has shown that so many times. So to us, all the disadvantages were not there, and it’s all pride. My father and I are so close until this day. As much as people think he is there for them, I always know he is there for me. He is always my Tati.”
Novel Sentiments
The post-seminary daughter of a well-known local authoress expressed her feelings like this: “Since my mother is an author, she mainly works from home on her computer. I always felt proud of her and her accomplishments. When she was in first grade, and every year thereafter, her teacher would tell her, ‘One day, you are going to be a published author.’ She took that comment literally and followed her dreams, sticking with her ambitions even when they felt impossible to accomplish. After writing professional plays for many years, my mother started working on her first novel, about shidduchim, with old-fashioned paper and pen. She paid someone $50 to type it for her, and sent it to a publisher, who did not end up publishing it.
“My mother remained undeterred, however. Once computers became the norm, she started typing a fiction novel for adults,” says this daughter. “This time, it was given the okay for publication a day after it was sent in. The public was extremely receptive, and after two more novels and articles for magazines, etc., she is now considered a household name. I am very proud of my mother, who always taught us to ‘reach for the stars.’ She is able to juggle a home, work, and an ambitious career as an author, as well. She takes multi-tasking to a whole new level.
“I always realized my mother was superwoman, but maybe not so much until I came to seminary,” she continues. “As I introduced myself to 100 or so new girls, as soon as they heard my name, they pounced on me: ‘Your mother is the author!?’ When my family came to Eretz Yisrael to visit me, I asked my mother to bring one of her books. A long waiting list was created on the spot. Some girls were on the waiting list from Chanukah until June, eagerly waiting for their chance to read the book. When my mother came to my seminary, a line formed in the dorm to speak with her. All the girls were asking her if she would use their names in an upcoming novel. Indeed, she did end up writing down the girls’ names and used many in her latest book.
“When it came time for shidduchim, I met with a noted rosh yeshiva and his rebbetzin. As soon as the rebbetzin heard my name, she asked me many questions about my mother. As it turns out, she is an avid fan and owns all of her books. We ended up talking a lot more about my mother’s writing abilities than what type of boy I was looking for. At the end of the day, though, I’m used to it. I am proud of my mother and what she has accomplished for herself and for our family. One of the lessons that always stays with me is to follow your dreams. If you stick with it, you may one day become someone bigger than you ever thought you would be.”
Living in a Fish Bowl
Rabbi Gedalia Dov Schwartz has served as the av bais din of the Beth Din of America since 1991, as well as the av bais din of the Chicago Rabbinical Council. A leading authority in Jewish law, he has held pulpits in Rhode Island, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania, previous to accepting the position as Rav of the Young Israel of Boro Park, which he held for 18 years.
Rabbi Schwartz’s daughter, Mrs. Rivka Leah Goldman of Baltimore, shared her personal take on how it feels to have a father who is constantly in the limelight.
“It was a combination of feelings,” admits Mrs. Goldman. “Sometimes I was resentful that he wasn’t home as often as I would like, because he was out giving shiurim, or taking care of other things, busy making a living. Of course, when he was speaking from the pulpit, I was very proud. I would think, ‘That’s my father.’ I did feel that I had to vie for his attention, but I know that he tried whenever he could to give me his fullest.
“I have learned a lot from my father,” continues Mrs. Goldman. “He would always tell me, ‘You can’t live your life worrying about what others may be thinking about you. If I would have worried about what other people were thinking, I would not have survived.’ Another thing he taught me is that one of the keys to survival is a sense of humor. He would often quote one of his professors, who said, ‘Don’t live your life like a Greek tragedy.’ I also learned a lot from my father, not by what he said, but by observing how he acted. He continues to be very dedicated, always giving of his time and energy to the klal.
“One thing about being a PK (Preacher’s Kid) and living out the PK syndrome,” added Mrs. Goldman, “is that you live a fishbowl existence. You feel like everyone is watching you – when you are at shul and, in general, when you are out in public. People are looking for anything that deviates from the norm of what they expect a rabbi’s family to be like. There’s a lot of pressure.”
Examining Feelings
Devorah Heiligman, a 14-year-old Bais Yaakov high school student, is the daughter of private practice pediatrician, Dr. Sondra Heiligman. When I asked her how it felt to grow up with a “famous” mother, she answered, “It felt very inspiring, mostly, but at other times it felt a drop frustrating.”
Although she has had to vie for her mother’s attention, as all children of popular parents do, Devorah says, “I coped with it because I knew that she was doing the right thing helping someone else in need; I always tried to smile through it, at hard times.” She adds that having a popular mother has taught her not to take anything for granted – “especially things that people think are little, like having your mother home when you come home from school. That is not always so little, especially when you don’t always have that pleasure.”
But Devorah is happy with her “lot,” concluding with the positives: “My mother always taught me, through her actions, that chesed is going the extra mile, still with a smile. She also taught me how important it is to treat everyone with respect, even if they are driving you crazy.”
