Most readers of the WWW keep Shabbos and have learned from their youth that Shabbos is a special day, when we look forward to eating special foods, inviting guests, and learning the parsha. As parents, we try to make our children look forward to Shabbos, too. But enjoying Shabbos is not always easy, especially these days, when we are connected to electronics the whole week and are used to being distracted. What can families do to make Shabbos special?
Advice from a Rebbetzin
Miriam, a rebbetzin, told me that
she sometimes gets phone calls from people whose children are struggling with
Judaism. Miriam said, “The first thing I ask them is if they make their Shabbos
table fun. Each family is different, and what is fun for one family may not be
fun for another one. It takes thought and effort to find out what your family
enjoys and to plan that activity. When my children were young, we had a special
spot where we all hung out together on Friday nights. It was cozy and warm, and
everyone read their own book. For us, that was fun, and my children looked
forward to our weekly get-together.
“A teenage boy I know once told his
mother that he hates erev Shabbos because
it was full of screaming,” Miriam adds. “When the mother heard that she tried
to make Friday afternoons more pleasant. Especially when it comes to
Yiddishkeit, it is important to make your children’s memories positive. Then
they will grow up and do the same for their families.”
Treats and Games
One of the ways that makes children
associate Shabbos with good times is Shabbos treats. I asked my granddaughter
what she liked about Shabbos, and the first thing she said was that she likes the
desserts. Some people serve sugary cereals that they wouldn’t eat during the
week and call them “Shabbos cereals.” Many families have a Shabbos party, which
consist of more candies and treats.
My sister Chaya Wiseman, who lives
in Bnei Brak, told me about some of the things they do to make Shabbos special.
“After the meal Friday night, we often take the kids to parks all around Bnei
Brak. They look forward to this all week. They get peklach on Friday
night and Shabbos day. Recently, we have started to give candies at the table
to kids who sing nicely and answer parsha questions. Kids who don’t know
the parsha get questions they can answer. Also, when the boys
finish something in school – a parsha, masechta, or even a perek
for the youngest ones – we make a siyum on Shabbos. At the rate they go,
we end up making a siyum about once or twice a month. It means they say
the hadran and we give extra treats for dessert.”
One of my brothers-in-law, who also
lives in EY, no longer has little children, but he fondly recalls what they did
to make Shabbos special. “Shabbos afternoon, we would set each one up with a ‘pekaleh’
and a private ‘villa.’ We would surround each child with a few chairs and give him
or her a pillow and blanket and also some books. A half an hour of ‘quiet time’
earned them a treat, but it was basically getting them out of the way in a
constructive fashion,” he concludes.
Some families use the long Friday
nights to play games, as my nephew wrote when I asked him about Shabbos
activities: “Although not Jewish per se, my daughters and I played a spirited
round of Uno this past Friday night. It was snowing outside, and it was nice
and cozy inside. It was great to be able to just connect and have fun on a long
winter Friday night since Shabbos afternoons they tend to run off with their
friends.”
In Baltimore, we have a game gemach,
run by Aliza Glickstein, to help make Shabbos more fun. If you want a new
game to play and don’t want to spend a penny, you can just run over to the gemach.
The gemach’s 350 games range from games for young children to
games for adults. If you want to borrow one, call Aliza at 1-267-210-7478.
My son-in-law and daughter recently
moved to Milwaukee. “We usually have the family gather around and discuss the
Torah portion and sing songs,” said Yair, “some ancient melodies and some new
compositions. We like to invite neighborhood friends and family and have lively
discussions solving many of the world’s problems. Sometimes we go to our
neighbors’ houses and enjoy their unique dishes. On Friday night, we often
play games and occasionally go to Rabbi and Rebbetzin Twerski’s house to hear
words of inspiration and sing with his followers. On Shabbos afternoon,
Rabbi Twerski sits with many his followers and tells stories and sings songs
while we enjoy the camaraderie of community warmth.”
How to Run a Shabbos Table
Baila Lebovitz, who saw my post on
N’shei Pickwick asking about ideas for Shabbos activities, told me about a
brochure written by Dovid Kaplan called “How
to Run the Shabbos Table.” Not only did she tell me about the brochure,
she actually brought it over to my house and left it in my mail box! It was a
great resource to help me write this article.
In the introduction, Rabbi Kaplan writes about
how families often find it difficult to keep the family happily engaged at the
Shabbos table. “Sometimes it’s lack of knowing what to talk about, and
sometimes it’s simply a feeling of inadequacy in dealing with apathetic teens.”
Here are some thoughts from the
brochure:
·
Don’t expect the Shabbos table to be relaxing. Shabbos
meals can be the most challenging time of the week. Reduce your expectations,
and you will be more relaxed.
·
Don’t imagine that every other family has a perfect
Shabbos table with happy participation from all members of the family.
Comparisons are not productive. Concentrate on your own strengths and your own
Shabbos table and go from there.
·
Prepare for the Shabbos table with divrei Torah,
stories, songs, or activities. Just the act of preparing will help the leader
come to the table with more enthusiasm. If even after the preparation things
don’t go well, there is always another Shabbos coming soon to try again.
·
Present an interesting and provocative halachic question. Rabbi Kaplan gives
an example: “A cab driver in Israel was given a Coke by a passenger. It turned
out to be drugged. The cabby slept for 20 minutes and awoke to find out that he
was robbed. He called a posek to find out if he has to make a borei nefashos
on the drink, his dilemma stemming from the fact that had he known the drink
was drugged, he would not have drunk it in the first place. (The answer was
that he did have to make a borei nefashos.) Rabbi Kaplan said that these
kinds of questions are interesting to children, teens, and adults and can lead
to other discussions.
·
Don’t turn your Shabbos table into a classroom. Don’t
test the children on what they learned in school. Rather, use their sheet as
guides for discussion. Children will find it unpleasant if there is too much
pressure. Give out treats at the table to increase participation and interest,
but give them to all the children, not just to the children who answered
correctly, which can lead to jealousy.
Thank you Baila, for bringing this
brochure to my attention.
Helping
Herself and Others
Another response I got through
Nshei Pickwick was from Rivkah Esther Katz-Merville. She wrote: “For the past four
years, since I got divorced, I’ve made it my mission to provide a warm and
nonjudgmental place for people to come together and connect through a social,
spiritual, and diverse environment. Kumzitses, bonfires, themed dinners, a
podcast – we have had many successful events and ventures. But my favorite is
when I get to host entire Shabbatons
and “Yom Tov-tons.”
Single or married, all ages, all religious backgrounds, everyone is welcome –
with no agenda other than connecting with one another, eating delicious
homemade food, and singing beautiful songs. Most people who come (mostly local,
but many from the NY/NJ area) appreciate the sense of community and belonging,
especially for most of us who don’t necessarily fit into a specific box or
shul.” You can contact Rivkah Esther at 443-455-0587 (call, text, WhatsApp) and
check out some of their past events on Facebook or Instagram under their group
name Bmore JHub (soon to be a non-profit).
For
Adults
Tamar Ference, who lives in the Pickwick area,
started a program in her house after October 7th. It consists of a 20-
30-minute shiur for women and then Tehillim.
The shiur starts at 3:30 in the winter on Shabbos afternoons, and refreshments are served. To find out
more details, call Tamar at 305-721-5880.
Chaya Kruk has been giving shiurim
for women for about 36 years. Currently, her shiur takes place at 3:30 Shabbos
afternoons at the home of Mrs. Sandy Katz. After starting with a few halachos of shemiras halashon,
the shiur explores various topics
relating to emunah, bitachon, and the laws of bein adam l’chaveiro.
For information about this shiur,
call Chaya at 410-358-3514.
Shana Birnbaum runs an organization
called Care: Connecting and Reaching Elderly to match visitors with seniors who
are alone on Shabbos, Yomim Tovim, or during the week and would like visitors.
She can be reached at contact.carebaltimore@gmail.com
For
Children…
Pirchei and Bnos groups have been a
Shabbos staple for the children of Baltimore. Chani Steinharter has been
running Bnos for many years. “Bnos groups are for preschool through fourth grade,”
she said. “They are run in many locations in Baltimore, and the leaders are
girls in ninth through eleventh grade. Snacks are provided. The Shurin family
packs the snacks for the Bnos groups every week.
“Bnos keeps girls productively
occupied on Shabbos afternoon. It is also intended to be a safe haven for the girls,
where they absorb the right haskafos,” Chani concludes.
Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz is in charge
of Pirchei in Baltimore. He is mainly involved with the Pirchei groups in the
Agudah of Park Heights. The groups run from March to November, when the Shabbos
afternoons are long.
Rabbi Horowitz said that most shuls
have learning programs for boys on Friday nights. In the Agudah it is from 8:00
to 9:00 p.m., and fathers are encouraged to come. During the winter months,
cholent is served after the learning. The cholent is sponsored by Fishel Gross. Fishel said that it is a
real bargain for him. “For the price of some beans, I get the zechus of
lots of children learning on Friday nights,” he said, “and making their fathers
and mothers happy. The fathers often go with their sons to learn, and that
makes the mothers happy too.” Mr. Gross has been sponsoring cholent for shul learning
programs for about 30 years. Right now, he has between 10 to 15 shuls participating. For many years,
local butchers sponsored the meat for the cholent.
Ner Tamid sponsors groups for
children on Shabbos morning when the adults are davening. I spoke to Shana
Birnbaum, youth director of the shul. Shana said they have four rooms
for children of different ages, where they participate in activities such as
davening, parsha, and snacks.
…and
Teens
Rabbi Shlomo Weiss, 12th
grade rebbe in TA and Rav of Bais Dovid, was kind enough to share his ideas of
how to make Shabbos pleasant for teenagers.
“One of the most
important parts of the Shabbos is the seudos,”
he said. “It is extremely important to have a seuda with a pleasant and happy atmosphere. Even after a long week,
it’s important for parents to do their best to bring positive energy to the
table.”
But, according to Rabbi
Weiss, a parent’s responsibility does not end with the seudos. This is especially applicable during long winter Friday
nights and long summer Shabbos afternoons. “Sometimes teenagers make plans to
get together with friends,” he continued, “but when they are home, the parents
should avail themselves of the opportunity to engage with their teens. This
does not mean that parents should have no time for themselves or a Shabbos nap,
but at some point, they can offer to play a board game or other fun, Shabbosdik activities in which the teens
are interested.
“Another challenge that
teenage boys specifically can face is sitting through a long Shabbos davening.
If this is a challenge, it may be helpful to engage that teen in productive,
shul-oriented tasks to break up the time, such as setting up for the kiddush (assuming that it is a positive
atmosphere). It is important that everyone feels a part of the shul and have
positive associations with it.”
Rabbi Weiss also mentioned
that it is interesting to hear the teenagers’ perspectives. “Although there are
a few who struggle with no technology over Shabbos,” he said, “the overwhelming
majority enjoy the forced separation from technology. This enables them to
connect with family and friends in a way that they cannot do during the week.”
Mr. Leherfeld, the president of
Shearith Israel, said that the shul has a learning program for boys ages 10 to 15
on Shabbos afternoon. They lead the early Mincha (daven for the amud, lein, and are the gabbaim),
after which they are treated to candy or ices following the learning
program.
The Community Kollel has a learning
program on Friday night during the winter and on Shabbos afternoon during the
summer. Cholent is served on Friday nights, and ices are served in the
afternoons. They also have a program on motza’ei
Shabbos during the winter that includes a story and a raffle led by Rabbi
Gideon Benyowitz.
There are many shuls in Baltimore,
and I did not have the opportunity to speak to all of them, but we can be proud
that our community is proactive in helping families make Shabbos special. It is
a challenge that all families share.
