Who am I? I am a writer, business man, husband, and father. Married for many wonderful years, I helped raise our two children, though I give my wife the real credit for doing a wonderful job. Today, baruch Hashem, I am a proud grandparent shepping much nachas. Chasdei Hashem!
Now for what I am not: I am not a social worker or certified financial counselor. Even so, hardly a day goes by that I am not sought out by persons in the community to give eitzos, advice, on life or financial situations.
Everyone Needs Advice
Working as a volunteer and mentor for Ahavas Yisrael for the last 35 years, I have had the opportunity to meet and speak with hundreds of individuals and families, including many young couples seeking financial advice. We live in challenging times, and people are faced with financial burdens that complicate their lives and often lead to family stress. My advice therefore deals with finances as well as the shalom bayis issues caused by the stress.
I am happy to be a good listener and, hopefully, a good sounding board. When people express their challenges to me, that alone can relieve stress and help couples find their own solutions to their problems. On other occasions, after listening and discussing the issues, I make an assessment of the particular circumstance and attempt to give advice based on my life experience. Indeed, my own experiences, as well as my hopefully well-honed common sense, are the only qualifications I possess. That experience gives me the confidence and capability of giving advice that I hope will help others.
Not being a professional, I do not always know if my advice is correct, but even a professional errs at times. My strength is in getting people to make decisions and take positive action. My Nana, my very wise and practical grandmother, taught me that prolonged indecision is self-destructive. I have learned that you need to move ahead. When you are moving, it’s easier to change direction if need be. People who are undecided are frozen and unable to move in any direction. Indecision – being doubtful – destroys one’s confidence, and then one is dead in the water! Once you chart a course or plan, you are fluid and action-oriented.
I supplement my own life experience and common sense by learning from rabbanim, lawyers, accountants, social workers, and sometimes therapists. I always try to seek out professional and halachic expertise, which gives me a wise “second opinion” with which to help others. Everyone needs advice, so I, too, seek it out wherever it will better my judgment.
My Observations for Young Couples
Over the years I have met with many young married couples, and I have decided to share some concerns with my readers, especially those who are entering the shidduch years. Parents and mechanchim (educators) need to instill in our children important values that will prepare our youth for married life.
A local Rav and family counselor once told me that every home needs five ingredients. We have to do whatever is in our power to provide all of them; the rest is up to Hashem. They are shalom bayis (peace), health, parnassa (livelihood), chinuch yeladim (educating children), and simcha (joy).
Before starting to look for a shidduch and before dating, our children should have a clear vision of their own frumkeit (piety), hashkafa (religious outlook), and the lifestyle they wish to live. All this should have evolved throughout their teenage years, preparing them to enter adulthood. These are the very impressionable years, when personalities and lifelong habits are formed. Young people need to clearly understand their plans and be well prepared to reach and attain their goals and aspirations.
Once they begin to date, they need to make sure their beshert has similar religious practices and feelings, similar hashkafos, and lifestyle goals. With that solid foundation of similarity, they can grow together in the marriage and create a proper bayis ne’eman beyisrael (Jewish home). The couple needs to clearly define the expectations each has of the other. As they then stand together under the chupa to become one, a beautiful zug (couple) with dreams of creating a warm, loving home for themselves and, iy”H, the children to follow. They need to have a clear picture and be on the same page about the life they want to lead and the eventual chinuch (education) of their children.
Unrealistic Expectations
One huge and common mistake is believing you can change your spouse after marriage. On the contrary: By the time one reaches his or her twenties, personalities and habits are already well-engrained. This means that the way they think and behave at that point – and the environment, home, school, and friends they have had – will pretty much determine and influence their future lifestyle. Beware: It’s hard enough to change your own personality and poor habits, so what makes you sure you can change someone else’s?
Here are 10 things a young dating couple needs to discuss before getting engaged. Much of this list will have already been scrutinized and determined in advance by a shadchan or person who introduces the possible shidduch candidates. But even after a careful vetting of the person’s history and mishpacha (family), daters need to carefully have an understanding and discuss with each other the following issues:
1) Every couple needs to choose a Rav or Rebbe with whom they can consult on a regular basis. Aseh lecha Rav, acquiring a spiritual mentor, is a very important concept, and is especially important for a newly married couple. It will become even more important as they start to raise a mishpacha.
2) Each spouse needs to identify the shul and kehila (congregation) where they are comfortable davening and the friends they want to associate with once married. It is extremely important to belong to a kehila.
3) Along with having a Rav or Rebbe, there needs to be a carefully planned financial roadmap towards a realistic parnassa to ensure the viability and welfare of the family. A financial plan, for both short-term and long-term, is key to a happy home and strong marriage. It is important to specify clear goals and a suggested time line for measuring progress, whether one is learning Torah for a number of years in kollel or has in mind training for a career.
4) Young adults need a strong education pertaining to credit issues and debt so as not to create a heavy debt burden through the irresponsible use of a credit card or other borrowing. Refinancing a home and adding second mortgages are not the answer to cash flow problems, and are often an unrealistic and disastrous financial approach. Too many young married couples are endangering their financial future with totally unrealistic debt burdens. Aside from the financial burden, major stress issues will ensue from such debt.
5) Once under the chupa, the husband has the responsibility to carry some meaningful term life insurance, good health insurance (make sure it covers maternity), and proper home or apartment property insurance, not to mention and automobile insurance. When children are born, iy”H, increased life insurance will be necessary.
6) The couple needs to find a suitable and comfortable living space or apartment in the right neighborhood, where they will be happy and start their marriage in the proper environment.
7) Each spouse needs to clearly define his and her role in the new marriage and make the commitment to help their spouse and spend the time enjoying each other’s company. Couples have to be besimcha (joyful) and serve Hashem with simcha. The couple needs to set goals and work together to fulfill those goals as a team.
8) Shalom bayis needs to extend to the spouses’ mishpachos: parents, siblings, and extended family members.
9) A marriage is a work in progress and needs to be tended all the time. Couples need to communicate their love and appreciation for each other. Both spouses need to support the other’s endeavors and make the home a warm and loving environment.
10) Each spouse needs to make his or her partner feel special and go out of the way to make their spouse happy. Spending quality time together, keeping up communication, and sharing feelings will help make for a happy home. Small genuine gestures are all one needs to do to show sincere concern and love in the marriage. Shabbos, Yom Tov, and simchas are wonderful refreshers to keep the marriage festive and special.
I recommend flowers for Shabbos or even just a beautiful rose or two to make the wife feel special and beautify the Shabbos table. A favorite dish or special delicacy makes us guys feel special. Keep “dating” after marriage, even when the kids come along, as parents need a break and quality time together. Enjoying a restaurant or a walk at the harbor or even a quiet walk around the block can refresh the marriage experience.
A local Rav and family counselor once told me that every home needs five things. We have to do whatever is in our power to provide all of them; the rest is up to Hashem. The five factors are: shalom bayis (peace), health, parnassa (livelihood), chinuch yeladim (educating children), and simcha (joy).
As I said, I am not a marriage counselor, only an experienced husband and dad. I also had the zechus (privilege) of watching my parents: the warm loving home and wonderful marriage they had for so many years.
When my wife helped proof this article, I noticed her occasionally smile. Perhaps she was thinking, “I wish he always practiced what he preached.” I certainly do not claim to be the perfect husband or dad, but having such a wonderful wife and good children, I have learned a great deal about both marriage and parenting. Now, after writing this article, I, too, must take my own words to heart. I can always improve my actions, as I believe we all can. Such an attitude must be embraced by all; we can always do better, as a marriage is a constant work in progress! Like fine wine it should improve each day as it ages!
I thank Hashem for all the wonderful family he has given me. And I am sharing my thoughts with my readers, especially to the younger members of our community. Now that we have just celebrated Chanukah, which teaches us gratitude, let’s all let our spouses know how much we appreciate them. Let’s thank Hashem for all he does for us, individually and as a nation.
