I once read a story about a man who got an invitation and tickets to fly to Switzerland for a wedding. He did know the person but took the opportunity for a vacation. When he got to the wedding, he did not recognize the chassan and asked him who he was and how they knew each other. The chassan answered, “When I was in yeshiva, I was feeling very lonely and was planning to leave the next day. When we were standing in line waiting for lunch, you were behind me. You saw that my collar was not straight, and you reached over and straightened it for me. That small gesture made me realize that I was not alone. I stayed in yeshiva and began to enjoy being there. I owe you my life, and so I invited you to my wedding.”
To me, this story
shows that a very small gesture can have a huge effect on someone’s life. We
all appreciate being noticed and cared for. This was true 100 years ago, and it
is true today. When we have a question, we want an answer; when we have a
suggestion, we want to be heard. Caring can be shown in many ways: a smile, a compliment,
a nod of the head. And sometimes, caring can be shown just by answering the
phone!
While the value of
caring has not changed, modern technology has created dilemmas that did not exist
before. Thirty years ago, if you called someone and he or she was on the line
(or had taken the phone off the hook), you got a busy signal. The signal told
you in a way that was not at all personal that the person could not be reached.
Today, we have caller
ID and call waiting. We can see who is calling and how many times they called. Should
we therefore take offense if the
person we are calling neither answers nor returns the call? And if you are the
one receiving a phone call, are you obligated to answer it, no matter how
inconvenient, and no matter who it is or why they are calling?
The etiquette on
this is not solidified, so everyone does what is right in his or her own eyes. While
etiquette is sometimes disparaged as being concerned with superficialities, it is
simply a set of mutually agreed-upon rules – a consensus – for how to behave in
various situations. It exists to grease the wheels of social interactions so as
to minimize conflict and hurt feelings.
So, what should
etiquette be for call waiting? I’ll let you eavesdrop on a conversation between
friends.
* * *
Bella: I just hung up the phone from someone I
have been trying to reach for a while. I feel very hurt by what happened. I
spoke to this person yesterday, and he said to call him back today after 1 p.m.
I tried a number of times, and he did not respond. When I finally got hold of
him, he said, “Stop bothering me. I saw you called me eight times! I will
respond when I have the time.”
Sara: I think you are wrong
to feel hurt. I live in a busy household. Both my husband and I have
businesses. You have no idea how often the phone rings. You say “just pick up
the phone.” But I have a family, and I have a life. I choose to pick up the
phone when I think I am needed or if it is a person I need to talk to. If I
pick up the phone every time it rings, I will never be able to do my work.
Bella: What makes me feel bad is that he was
able to count how many times I tried to reach him but did not have the time to
answer a call that he asked me to make. Surely he could have picked up the
phone and said he could not talk right now. At the very least, he could have
apologized and said, “I saw you called a number of times. I am sorry I was not
able to answer.”
Sara: No
one “owes” it to you to answer the phone. You have no right to get insulted. You say to just pick up the phone and tell them I am busy.
If I do that, I will be at the mercy of the caller. Once callers start talking,
they are upset if you hang up too quickly, so I would rather not pick up the
phone in the first place. Just because we have the technology does not mean
that we have to use it. I am in charge of my phone. It is not in charge of me.
It is not personal, so please do not take it personally.
Bella: You say it is not personal. I hear you, but I think it
really is. If you see that I am calling and you do not pick up the phone, for
whatever reason, it is personal. If the call were from someone you considered
more important, you would have picked up the phone. To me that is personal. Whereas we are unlikely to
avoid someone who talks to us in person, it is much easier to avoid them over
the phone. The phone creates an extra barrier; it is not easy to remember that
there is a human being on the other side of the phone.
Sara: But if you call repeatedly, there is a point when it turns
into harassment. When I see the caller ID, sometimes I know
why they’re calling, but I can’t tell them what they want to know. Maybe he
wants me to pay a bill that I cannot pay yet, or maybe she wants to ask a question
about a shidduch that I do not want
to talk about. There are lots of reasons why I don’t answer the phone. I think the
caller should understand that my not picking up is an answer. It might not be the answer she wants, but it is an
answer. Calling again and again will not make me have the answer any faster,
and it is very annoying.
Bella: Of course, I know that most people have caller ID, so
he might have known I was trying to reach him. But I did not know that for
sure. You think it is obvious that I should have
realized that he didn’t have an answer for me. I would suggest that it is not
so obvious. I am sure there are many other reasons that a person does not
answer, and I think it is okay to try again later. If you choose not to answer
the phone, that is your right, but you cannot assume that the caller knows the
reason you did not answer.
My message to the
community is, let’s use our modern technology, like caller ID and other
innovations, to increase shalom rather than decrease it. Let’s remember that people
are sensitive and easily hurt. Don’t expect them to know what you’re thinking.
Be kind and try to answer if at all possible.
Sara: My message to the community is, let’s not
be slaves to our phones just because they exist. We live in a world that
expects instantaneous results, but everyone has different needs and
circumstances. Call more than once or twice only if it is urgent. Understand that I will respond when I am able to.
Instead of getting insulted, be dan lekaf
zechus, give the benefit of the doubt.
* * *
What is the answer? Certainly, awareness is part of the
solution. Whether you agree with Bella or Sara, being understanding of the
viewpoint of others and trying to accommodate them will, hopefully, result in fewer
hurt feelings.
Well, readers, what do you think?
