Mrs. Esther Tendler’s Timely Teachings Live On


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Mrs. Esther Tendler, a”h, was a well-known personality in Baltimore, not because of any official position she held but rather because of who she was. The mother of a large family, Mrs. Tendler had a friendly disposition, a huge smile, and a down-to-earth, practical way of looking at things. She and her husband Rabbi Yosef Tendler lived on Yeshiva Lane across the hall from my parents, so I had the opportunity to see her in action. My parents and the Tendlers were friends for many years, beginning when they both learned in the Kollel in Lakewood, close to 70 years ago.

Mrs. Tendler was a role model for many of the women in our community; her good advice was based on years of experience bringing up her own children, working in camps, and serving as the long-time school nurse in Bais Yaakov. I thought it would be interesting to write about some of her ideas about chinuch, which were quite out of the ordinary. Parents sometimes feel insecure about their parenting skills and often worry about how their children will “come out” – even though we all know intellectually that when it comes to raising children, doing everything right does not necessarily produce good results and doing everything wrong does not necessarily produce bad results. It is therefore validating to hear that many of our trials and tribulations bringing up our families are normal and not the end of the world.

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My sister Miriam Kosman, currently living in Israel and the mother of many herself, told a beautiful story about Mrs. Tendler that illustrates that point. It is a story she has used many times to give chizuk to overwhelmed young mothers.

“About 33 years ago,” Miriam began, “when I was on Yeshiva Lane, shortly after my second child was born. I was pushing a stroller with my oldest, who was about 15 months old, and carrying the newborn in a front pack. Just as I walked past 403 Yeshiva Lane, I heard Mrs. Tendler calling me from the window.

“A few seconds later she came running out, took the stroller from me and said, “Let me walk you home and push the stroller. You are just after birth. “I protested, but she said to me, ‘I still remember how hard it was when my second one was born. I think it was the hardest time.’

“I was shocked. Do you mean that the fact that I felt like I was drowning was normal!? Could it be that Mrs. Tendler, that relaxed, always unfazed mother of many was once fazed? Could it be that having two babies was objectively difficult? How on earth could that be?

“Mrs. Tendler, laughed and said, ‘Are you kidding! Having two babies is much harder than having 11 kids! I still remember how hard it was for me to juggle two babies on my own. You only have two hands, both babies need you, and you don’t have any older kids to help!

“I know this doesn’t sound like such a big deal, but it is hard to describe what an impact it had on me to be validated, specifically by the iconic Mrs. Tendler, who was famous for taking her big family in stride.

“Over the years, I have described this scenario to many young mothers and have seen its impact on them as well. Once, a husband complained to me about his wife, ‘You have so many children, and my wife cannot even cope with two!’ I immediately pulled out my Mrs. Tendler story. As I got to the part about how having two or three children is harder than having a big family, I could almost feel the tension draining away. ‘Really? This is normal? It’s not just we who can’t cope!?’

“Just knowing that you are not the only one who finds this hard can make everything more manageable.”

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Here are some more of Mrs. Tendler’s ideas, which were gathered after her petira. They all reflect the idea that normal children are not perfect and are a work in progress. There is no reason to despair. Work on making yourself the best you can be and your children will naturally follow what you do.

1) Mrs. Tendler didn’t insist that her very small children share their toys. She didn’t worry that they were doomed to be selfish people their whole life. She would say, “The Torah says, V’ahavta l’rei’echa kamocha, which means love your friend as much as you love yourself. Right now, he is working on the kamocha part, meaning he first has to learn to love himself and then he can learn the part about loving somebody else.”

2) When Mrs. Tendler’s children would argue or fight, she would purposely not assist in resolving the issue as long as they were safe. She would say, “If an adult keeps on getting involved, how will the children ever learn to work things out themselves. It takes two to make a fight, and if they really want to stop a fight, they can. Sometimes the children are entertaining themselves by fighting.”

3) One of the ironies of life, she said, is that no matter how hard we work at raising our children, they are going to turn out just like us! Look around at the families you know who have children a little older than your children and you’ll see that it is true. If you want your child to have a cheerful disposition, smile!

4) The technique used to raise children is not as important as showing the children by example how to live. There are many different styles of child rearing, just as each person is unique, every shidduch is unique, and every family is unique. No matter what style of parenting you use, your children will turn out just like you and/or your husband, because that is what they see.

5) Mrs. Tendler had no problem with giving “incentives” to get children to do what the parent needed them to do. Her philosophy was, “Whatever keeps you sane, whatever works! You need to survive.

6) She was not the type of mother who complained to her children’s teachers. She educated young mothers, saying, “Don’t let yourself become a complainer. There are 20 or more other sets of parents in the class who can do the complaining. You should be the one to show appreciation.”

7) “Don’t be neurotic!” she used to say. “Recognize what is normal, and don’t make it into a catastrophe. Normal healthy children get dirty. Normal healthy babies throw food on the floor. They are simply testing the laws of gravity, like Sir Isaac Newton. Why would you consider Newton a genius but your child a mess?”

8) Mrs. Tendler would say, “I used to potchka, but then I got smart. A mother needs to prioritize. Supermarkets are here for a reason: to buy readymade food. It is more important that the home is relaxed than to cook from scratch.”

9) Once a young mother who needed help refused to accept the meals her neighbors offered to make. She stated that she was a giver and not a taker. Mrs. Tendler responded, “Sometimes you are giving to others by taking from them. People really want to help. If you do not accept it, they are left worrying about what they can do. But if you accept the supper, they are relaxed because they feel they have done something for you. By taking, you are actually giving.”

10) Mrs. Tendler once witnessed one of her daughters davening with two little children crying and pulling at her skirt. Mrs. Tendler rarely intervened or chastised anyone, but she gently commented to this daughter, “Maybe you don’t realize how important the job of an eim b’Yisrael is. That is a higher priority than davening.”

11) An interesting statement she used to make was, “Teenagers have a need to be misunderstood.”

12) It is normal for teenagers to turn to one parent and speak about their frustrations with the other parent, said Mrs. Tendler. It is important to listen, but never allow teenage children to feel that you agree with their complaints. This will destroy the trust between you and your spouse, and ultimately hurt the children. Simply listen; tell them that your spouse is an amazing person and that you will share the discussion with him or her.

13) “Just because one child is crying louder doesn’t mean that he’s the victim.”

14) Please remember that children are a gift, the most precious gift of all. Do you scream at a gift? Would you scream at your diamond ring? Children are basically good. Our impatience is due to our own lack of perspective.

15) Be an example to your children. If your child pushes or hurts another child, set an example. Go over to the hurt child and give her a hug and say “I am so sorry for you. We must never hurt another Yid. Your child who hurt his brother will be jealous of the affection you are showering on him and realize that every Jew is precious.

16) A woman once came to Bais Yaakov to bring her daughter lunch and sheepishly said, “I know I am wrong for bringing her lunch when she forgets it at home because she will never learn responsibility.” Mrs Tendler responded, “Don’t forget, that you are teaching her the importance of feeding a hungry Jew.”

17) “Life is like an EKG. If the line is going up and down, you are living. Once it flat-lines, you are dead.”

18) Eliminate temptation as much as possible. Do not make rules the children cannot obey. Don’t make a rule that they cannot have candy if the candy is in sight. Get the candy out of the house or at least out of their sight!

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I enjoyed hearing about these sensible ideas, many of which resonate with me. I hope that my readers will also benefit from learning from them, and that this should be a merit for Mrs. Tendler in the Next World.

 

 

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