Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
My husband and I got married about a year ago. We love each other and I think we have a good marriage. When we were dating, we had a lot in common. We had great conversations and similar interests and goals. Now that we’re married, we are clashing over aspects of daily life that we never anticipated. Specifically, my husband is very laid back. When he’s not working or learning, he likes to sit around the living room or kitchen and “kibbitz.” He would like nothing better than for me to sit with him and “relax.” I, on the other hand, like to keep busy. It really, really bothers me to sit around and do nothing, when I have work waiting. I think my husband feels like I don’t like to talk to him or keep him company. That is not true at all; it’s just that I can’t stop moving until I get things done. Do you think we can ever reconcile these two different “styles”?
Newlywed
Dear Newlywed,
There’s no reason why these “two different `styles’” can’t be happy together. If you love each other and have a good marriage, you can build on that foundation. Sit down with your husband and discuss how you can go back and enjoy each other’s company the way you used to. Remember how it was when you were focused on each other, and you had so much in common.
It’s important to let your husband know that you hear and understand his perspective. Acknowledge openly the difference in your temperaments, and brainstorm together to find practical ways to both get your work done and have time together. Some possibilities are taking a walk together, doing the dishes together, etc.
There’s a well known prescription for a successful marriage: putting the “you” before the “I.” If you both work at actualizing this prescription, you will rediscover why you used to enjoy each other’s company so much. If you always think about him, and he always thinks about you, you’re bound to come out on top. With heartfelt hatzlacha (success).
Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
My mother-in-law is a wonderful person. She is generous with her time and very helpful with her grandchildren. However, I find that, especially after the birth of our last child, she has been particularly critical of me. She often comments about my “low” housekeeping standards, about the state of my children’s clothes (she noticed holes in the toes of my daughter’s tights), and has even gone so far as to say that I don’t discipline my children with enough “authority.” Although our household is hectic with (k”h) six children under 10, I feel for the most part that we’re doing a good job. Sure my children can be rowdy, but they’re kids, and they give us a lot of nachas. She herself raised three wonderful children, so I feel that maybe she just doesn’t understand the demands of running a larger household.
Lately I find myself very uncomfortable around her, and this is what prompted me to write. I’m not sure what to do about it. Any advice would be warmly received.
Thank you,
Daughter-in-Law
Dear Daughter-in-Law,
You probably diagnosed the problem correctly when you say that your mother-in-law might not understand the demands of a large household. It’s also the case that many of us tend to forget what it was like when our children were small and our housekeeping standards were also looser.
Don’t let your mother-in-law’s criticism affect you to the extent that you feel “uncomfortable” around her. This could ruin your good relationship with this wonderful, generous, and helpful person. You say she is the mother of three beautiful children. Well, one of them is your husband!
Whenever your mother-in-law says something critical, respond with something like, “I’m sure you understand what it’s like to have a new baby,” or “I’m sure you understand that it takes about a year to recover from having a baby.” Keep repeating the phrase, “I’m sure you understand..” or “I’m sure you will understand.” I know this sounds redundant, but I think this is the best way; you are showing respect, not anger, and appealing to her for understanding. With this kind of response, she may come around – or she may stay the same. Either way, you will know that you’ve done your best.
