Are you an unmarried Jew and feel like you have
been passed over by the Jewish world? Do you feel that your fellow Jews as well
as our Father in Heaven have forsaken you? Or perhaps you have a close friend
or relative who finds him or herself in such a situation.
To whom can we turn, and what
are we to do to free ourselves from despair when trying to find our zivug or any other seemingly hopeless task
in life? Dealing with such situations can be very draining emotionally but can
also be a source of great satisfaction upon the realization that no situation
need be as hopeless as it initially appears. We have a loving Father in Heaven
and great rabbis steeped in Torah who can offer us enormous rays of light to make
our way through our darkness.
Nissan’s Story
I hope and pray that my own
story as a 66-year-old, never-married bachelor can inspire the older Jewish
single, b’ezras Hashem. Although I
tried my utmost, through thick and thin, to never give up, not only did I fail
in my attempts to find my destined one decade after decade but my prospects
appeared bleak. I attended numerous singles weekends and dealt with many shadchanim. I also had to listen to
people of all stripes urging me to be “realistic” – to look at the odds of ever
finding someone appropriate and to accept the reality that my situation was
next to hopeless. But there is no such thing as statistics with our G-d in
Heaven, Who insists only that we put in the hishtadlus
(effort) to the best of our ability and depend on Him. We also have great
rabbis who can guide us, give us brachos,
and pray for us.
That thought gradually found
its way to my psyche. Hashem doesn’t give us any test that we cannot pass. We simply
need to use all the tools at our disposal to combat whatever challenges Hashem
throws our way. Those of us who have had to combat serious challenges of all
types and prevailed need to share our experiences with those who can
vicariously learn from us.
A new thought has now crept
into my psyche: I feel obligated to share my shidduch story. The purpose is to instill hope in those who feel
like they have lost their way. Let my suffering and challenges offer a path of
light to those who feel embedded in a reality of darkness.
Before deciding to publicize
our story to the world, we had to think long and hard about guarding our
privacy. We detest showing off or publicizing any good fortune that Hashem
has bestowed upon us. I have always tried to help my fellow Jew on a one-on-one
basis. Never before have I contemplated sharing my story beyond our own small
circle of friends and relatives. Ultimately, however, we decided that sharing
our story in publications read by a multitude of people provides us an
opportunity to strengthen our fellow Jews.
Our main theme to any Jew is to
never give up. This is
particularly true in finding a shidduch
but can be extended to any other arena of life. Many of us face a situation in
which there appears to be no hope of a way out. We need look no farther than
the survival of our Jewish people to realize that we have a Father in Heaven
who looks out for us and wants only the best for us. Or look at the miracle of
the State of Israel, from its earliest days until today, to see the hand of G-d
in our presence in our Land after millennia. This reality can inspire the older
Jewish single as well.
Finally, when I was 66 years
old, I tried for the nth time to find my destined one. I was reminded of Thomas
Edison inventing the light bulb, who exerted himself on 606 tries that did not
work. One would think that chances of success after failing so many times were
infinitesimal indeed. Such was my lot, but I never gave up. Who is to say
that Hashem did not put me through such trials and tribulations to inspire my
fellow single Jew to never give up?
I went on Jewish singles
websites daily and stumbled upon a young lady (on the JWed website) who
appeared as a “woman of interest” on my screen. So I once again went
through the motions and received a level of interest from her me that I had
never received before. As we began to get to know each other, I
encountered what seemed to be insurmountable problems. However, the young lady
said she was highly impressed by what I had to offer. Her excitement and
interest in me were quite unique. Realistically assessing my own prospects,
along with the love that the young lady displayed for me at our courtship’s
earliest stages, prompted me to continue. We were very upfront with each
other and proceeded in a very open and honest way, always realizing the
importance of communicating on all important matters. And, uppermost in our
minds, giving us chizuk, was that Hashem,
not some mortal, is the One Who is ultimately in charge.
Henchi Speaks
At the age of 67, I finally
found my true basherte. I had been
married, divorced, and widowed, and had been living on my own for two years. I
never imagined that anything of this nature would ever occur in my life. It was
the worst two years of my life. I am not the kind of person who can live alone.
Meeting my amazing husband was
the biggest bracha of my life. When I
decided I was ready to start dating again, I was met with tons of negative
criticism. I joined the JWed website for Jewish singles. I was greatly
disappointed by the large number of unsuitable men out there. The night before
I connected with my basherte was the
worst night of my life. I believed that I was not going to move forward and
resigned myself to living alone the rest of my life. I decided to check the
website one last time. Hope against hope, the man who was to become my basherte appeared on the screen.
When my destined one said “Hi”
as a text message, I felt as if Hashem was rewarding me for not yielding to an
inappropriate message the night before from someone on JWed. I knew right then
and there that I was going to marry this guy. We started dating and were
constantly texting and phoning each other. My basherte was not sure that we were destined for each other, but I
always knew. I never stopped telling my future husband and anyone else I knew
that we were meant for each other. Seven weeks later we got engaged despite
numerous stumbling blocks on the way. Despite all of our challenges (and
they were many and quite severe), I never gave up. I gave chizuk to my future husband who otherwise might have thrown in the
towel. We are still the talk of our Jewish neighborhood and enjoyed a
tremendous one-year anniversary party. When people see us, they think we
are still newlyweds.
We would like to provide chizuk to the Jewish public in regard to
what we have learned. Marriage is a daily work in progress; it may not always
be easy. However, you should not become discouraged from the challenges that
might come your way. Davening every day for Hashem to give you the strength to
deal with those challenges is the necessary tool to move forward. It is so
important to always honor, respect, and cherish each other as one never knows
what life has in store. The essence of a true marriage is making each
other as happy and strong as we can. Such an achievement can be reached by
expressing the appropriate love to each other and being available for each
other no matter what. Open communication, too, is always the key to a good
marriage. No matter how busy a couple find themselves to be, it is imperative
that they make sufficient time for each other. We truly hope this article can
help others on their road through life.
