Going home for Yom Tov: It’s traditional, it’s expected, it’s the essence of family building over the generations. It is, in fact, one of those unwritten “laws” of Yiddishkeit, which frequently brings the anticipated joy to all concerned but can also, at times, present challenges. Like many things in life, the outcome depends on how it is managed, and the wonderful advantages make it worth the effort.
Take the story of Rivki* and Dovid, who are coming home for Pesach a few weeks after their marriage. Excited to be the “new couple” at the Seder after years of helping entertain her older brothers and sisters, Rivki instead finds herself upset. Although her parents are very careful about halacha, she is surprised to find that Dovid comes from a family that is even more careful! Rivki respects Dovid and wants to fulfill all his wishes, yet how can she expect her overworked mother to make special food for her new husband?
All the players in this scenario will have a part in determining the quality of this Yom Tov as well as their future relationship. Is Dovid, the new chasan, polite, understanding, and helpful? Or is he demanding and belligerent? Is he grateful for what he gets or annoyed at what he doesn’t get? As for Mrs. Morris, Rivki’s mother, she will make her attitude evident without saying a word. If she sighs, mutters under her breath, and tenses up at the thought of Dovid’s chumros, Rivki will surely know. Mrs. Morris has the power to make Rivki feel proud of her new husband or ashamed of him. And what about Rivki? Whom should she support, her mother or her husband? Hopefully, both Mrs. Morris and Dovid will make the right moves, sparing Rivki that choice, and the Morris family will enjoy Yom Tov and have nachas from the new couple.
A shared Yom Tov is the beginning of a lifelong relationship, a chance for families to spend time with each other and appreciate each other. I personally love it when my children come. I relish our relationship, and enjoy the opportunity to spend time with them and their spouses. My own children have fond memories of going to my parents for Yomim Tovim for many years. Today, even though it has been at least 20 years, we still use the tunes and songs we sang there and enjoy reminiscing about exactly how Opa sang this tune or that.
Still, when a normally quiet home is filled with many more people – much younger people, in particular – it can be stressful. Young children tend to be wild, especially when they get together with their cousins. They fight, eat with their fingers, make a mess, and act rudely. All this can upset the grandparents, whose house is not childproof anymore and who may look askance at how their offspring are bringing up their children (or perhaps they no longer remember how it actually was when their children were young).
Families are different, with different dynamics and ways of handling Yom Tov. Here are some snapshots of families in our community and how they manage.
Fancy or Plain
The work begins even before Yom Tov starts, as the women prepare beds and linens, plan menus, shop, and cook. In an era when many women have outside jobs, all this may have to take place at night or on weekends, and, if they are empty nesters, without help.
Mrs. Barns, the mother of many children and grandchildren, takes it all in stride: “I love to have my children come” she says. “I do not make fancy dishes, just the plain ones I know my family likes. I especially do not allow myself to feel pressured into impressing my children. We enjoy being together, and I ask for what I need. If they want me to watch their children and I have the time, I say okay, and if I don’t have the time or energy, I feel comfortable saying no.”
Mrs. Pines, has a completely different approach. She finds great satisfaction in cooking and baking, and spends the weeks before Yom Tov filling her freezer. “One of the best ways I know to make Yom Tov more pleasant is to hire cleaning help to come during Yom Tov,” she says. “It is cheaper than buying paper goods for the whole Yom Tov, and the helper can set the table, wash the dishes, sweep the floors and generally keep everything tidy.” Mrs. Pines often hosts a number of her children at the same time. She loves seeing the cousins relate to each other and the families spending time with each other. “My children have offered to host us instead of them all coming here,” says Mrs. Pines, “but I always say as long as I have the strength I want you to come to me. I would feel hurt if they didn’t come. I guess I am following in my mother’s footsteps, because for years I went to my parents together with my brothers and sisters.”
Rules and Expectations
Mrs. Lopin also enjoys being with her grandchildren: “It is so gratifying to be able to go to shul on Yom Tov with my granddaughters,” she says. “Their mothers usually cannot go to shul because of the babies, so I take them with me. I love when my grandchildren proudly show me the honey dishes or sukkah decorations they made in school or playgroup.
“But there is another side to the story,” she continues. “I constantly remind myself that the grandchildren are not my children, and try to keep my mouth shut and not interfere in my children’s child rearing. I only say something if it affects me or my house. For example, if I see a child carrying a cup of orange juice into the living room, I say, “In this house we eat only at the table.” I am careful not to criticize the rules in their house but just to reiterate that these are the rules of my house.”
For Mrs. Klein, another grandmother, keeping track of the toys and games is very important. “I have puzzles and games that I saved from my own children,” she states. “They have been in perfect condition for 30 years, and if I am not on top of the situation the whole time, my grandchildren can lose all the pieces in one afternoon. This Yom Tov I am going to keep the toys locked up and give them to the children one at a time. They can get a new game when they return the old one with all its pieces.”
Reinforcing their rules works for grandmothers Mrs. Lopin and Mrs. Klein, but the parents of the “offending” little children may have another point of view: “I love it when my parents enjoy my children,” says Mrs. Brown. “It gives me a lot of nachas when my children are cute and behave well, but when they are kvetchy or chutzpadik, it is very embarrassing for me. Even if my parents don’t say a word, I can feel their disapproval in the air. Somehow, time has dimmed their memory of our misbehavior when we were children. We keep coming back for Yom Tov – I guess because the good outweighs the bad – but it is very stressful for me to have to worry about my parent’s disapproval and my children’s behavior at the same time.”
Another mother, Mrs. Berg, actually decided not to come for Yom Tov, rather than have to manage the incompatible needs of her parents and her children. “It is just easier to stay home,” she says. “My parents like to take a nap every Shabbos and Yom Tov, and I dread a whole afternoon of telling my children not to bang the door when they come in and out and to talk in whispers. I decided it would be much quieter for my parents if I just stayed home for Yom Tov. We get together for shorter and less stressful periods of time.”
Cousinly Conflicts
The opposing needs of the different generations are just one potential source of friction. Having a few families together can also reawaken old sibling rivalries or create new ones. In the Jaffe family, one of the daughters has sweet, quiet girls and the other has big, loud, rough boys. “When they get together at my house, there are always sparks,” says Mrs. Jaffe. “The boys bother the girls, and when the girls come crying to their mother, she feels that her sister is not being strict enough. “I have to protect my children,” says Chani, Mrs. Jaffe’s daughter “My sister Sora tells her boys to stop bothering my children, but she is too relaxed about it and does not enforce discipline.” “Look, I try to control my sons,” says Sora, “but Chani’s children have to learn to toughen up a little. They don’t have to come crying to their mother for every little thing!”
“As nice as it is to have both families come together, says Mrs. Jaffe, “we learned quickly that one family for the first days and one for the last makes for more peaceful relationships.”
Wall-to-Wall Beds
Space limitations can be a problem for grandparents, unmarried siblings, and married couples. “My single teenage daughters are happy when we have company for Yom Tov,” says Mrs. Kasden, “but they hate having to give up their rooms.”
“My in-laws love when all their married children come at the same time,” says Mrs. Trout, “but I find it very difficult to go there when all 23 of us have to share one shower or all five of us have to sleep in one room. I also sense that the unmarried children resent us when we take up their rooms or their seats at the table. Even though my in-laws do not acknowledge that their house is really too small for all of us, I am not sure that squishing us all in at one time is worth the togetherness. I wish they could build an addition or at least an extra bathroom.”
The Baums are grandparents who did fix up their basement to make space for their married children and grandchildren, years ago, when the families were still small. Now, they can put up large families comfortably in the extra three bedrooms and bathroom downstairs. They make use of the accommodations almost every Yom Tov and have never regretted their renovation.
The Gift of Yom Tov
Despite the problems that sometimes crop up, spending Yom Tov with the family has wonderful benefits.
From a grandparent’s vantage point, Yom Tov is a gift we give to our children – and ourselves – a time to crown our lifelong devotion to our mesora (tradition) by bequeathing it to our grandchildren. Watching our children build their own families and their own derech (direction) in life is exciting, and the opportunity to get to know and bond with our grandchildren is very precious. This alone, many would agree, is worth the extra work.
We have been observing these Yamim Tovim for so many years, it is gratifying to be able to appreciate them through the young eyes of our grandchildren. The excitement of a child when we use his honey dish at the Rosh Hashana table or hang her decoration in the sukkah is very gratifying. The thrill of a child who took a nap and now waits eagerly to enter the sukkah for the first time is magical to behold and adds immeasurably to our own appreciation of Yom Tov.
As for the young parents, though they have taken the big leap into adulthood, they are not too old to be “children” again. They can have a few more years to “grow up” before they actually have to make Pesach, lead the Seder, build a sukkah, and cook all those Yom Tov meals. “There is something so comforting about coming back to your childhood home and enjoying the warm embrace of your parents,” says Chani, a young mother of five. “I love my children to get together with their cousins,” says Tova, another young mother, and it makes Yom Tov so much easier when my children are entertained.”
And for the grandchildren, these family gatherings, linked to our Jewish holidays, are a chance to see that they are one of a clan, not just an isolated family unit, and part of a long chain of tradition. This is empowering to them as individuals and as Jews. They learn to appreciate Yiddishkeit in the realms of both ruchnius and gashmius – via great stories and great food.
Some adults I know still reminisce fondly about the “ice cold milk served in yellow metal cups” and the delicious chocolate-spread matza that their grandmother served them 25 years ago. One teenager, whose grandparents spend Pesach with their family in Eretz Yisrael, says, “Our Pesach is so full of adventures and memories that have to do with my grandparents, starting from when we go to the airport to get them, and including leil haseder, with all the drama and the great songs at the end.”
Another grandson, now an adult, remembers, “Somehow, my grandfather always made me feel so important. He would ask a question at the Yom Tov meal and go around the table to see what everyone had to say. I would wait patiently for my turn to answer, because I knew that he considered my ideas just as important as all the grownups at the table.”
Finally, listen to the words of a nine-year-old boy wrote about his great-grandfather, with whom he has spent many a Shabbos:
You are the best, shining like a chest,
You teach me Torah,
It makes me want to dance like a dancing rabbi,
You taught me how to look nice and neat all the time.
You make me have a shining brain in Chumash
I hope that you don’t mind that I eat all your challah
I like your stories that you tell over at the Shabbos table,
Having marvelous conversations, especially with you!
Love, Yitzchok, your oldest great-grandchild
What a wonderful zechus (privilege) it is to build relationships that span three or four generations over the Yom Tov table!
