Recently, the Bobov-45 Rebbe summoned his thousands of followers in Boro Park – and the world over, via live hookups – to a gathering where he shared some unprecedented directives. The purpose of the gathering was an effort to bring down wedding costs. Among the announcements was discontinuing the traditional exchange of diamond and gold watches by the chassan and kalla to one another, which have become unaffordable for most of the Rebbe’s followers. Instead, to save each side thousands of dollars, the Bobov-45 Rebbetzin will buy each kalla a watch and, as an incentive to adhere to the Rebbe’s new guidelines, participating couples will be eligible for an extra $5,000 in hachnasas kalla funds.
Today’s chassan/kalla gift-giving traditions in the predominantly Litvish Baltimore/Silver Spring communities, while not precisely mirroring those in the chasidishe communities, seem to escalate from decade to decade. And our young local brides and grooms – or perhaps more accurately, their parents – cannot afford elaborate gifts any better than the Bobov-45 community. WWW spoke to a number of people to shed light on the changing customs and how various people view this subject.
Those Were the Days
A Baltimore octogenarian who wants to remain anonymous shared that when she got engaged, many couples had none or few resources with which to buy gifts for each other. “When we got married, our families could only afford 50 wedding guests. We started out with hardly anything – a few pots and pans and a couple of other items from the five and dime store – unlike young couples today. We were very poor, and that’s how we lived,” she shares. Thinking this was normal, I didn’t feel sorry for myself. I did eventually get an expensive gold watch from my husband, but it wasn’t until we were married 15 to 20 years. Everything I got after that was very much appreciated. I am appalled, today, when I go to a vort and see the chassan’s ‘required’ flower arrangement, which runs into hundreds of dollars.”
Shani Shuvalsky, a Baltimore-based shadchan, notes, “We learn from the Torah that gifts were given to the kalla. Today, each society has taken it upon itself fulfill that tradition with different types of gifts. Of course, things have changed over the years, above the halachically-mandated wedding ring. In the early 1900s, the trousseau consisted of linens and blankets. Today, in Eretz Yisrael, parents are expected to buy their engaged child an apartment. When I got married in the early ’80s, pearls were given in the yichud room – as is the Hungarian custom. Today they have become passé. Less than 20 years ago, a gold bracelet was given to the kalla at the lechaim or vort as a show of affection to welcome the girl into the family since a kalla may not get a ring right away. Nowadays, the bracelet is made of diamonds.”
Shani admits that she doesn’t know how these changes in custom evolved but surmises that “the bracelet took the place of a gold watch after everyone realized that no one wanted watches; with the prevalence of cell phones which have a clock, maybe there is no need for one!”
Just another Wedding Expense
How does Shani reconcile buying these often unaffordable chassan/kalla gifts? “People shouldn’t go into debt any more than they have to, but if they do spend the money, I think they have to chalk it up to it being part of the wedding expenses. Just as you pay $10,000 to $15,000 for the wedding, these expenses go along with it. There are people who put money from their sons’ bar mitzvas into an account that will yield a profit, so the money can be used for their future wives’ engagement rings.
“Normally you get the boy a watch, but that varies,” continues Shani, who believes that the amount spent by both sides is comparable. “I think the kalla’s father should ask the chassan if he wants a watch; some boys turn it down. Watches can cost anywhere from a few hundred to $3,000 and upwards to $10,000 for more expensive brands. Regarding the gift of a Shas, you should ask the chassan what he has and what he wants. Other gifts include a tallis (with or without a silver atara) and tallis bag. Communication between parents and their children-to-be is important; it is silly to give a gift that will not be used.”
Gifts of the Heart
Shani concludes, “These gifts have become very routine and obligatory; they’ve become, ‘Oy, this is something we need to do’ rather than ‘This is something we want to do.’ But, hopefully, the parents are happy with the spouse their child has chosen and they want to show their love. If we could put this in perspective, would we want each side to take care of buying their own items, or is it nicer that each side gives gifts to one another?”
Ending with a chuckle, Shani remarks, “I think things have just changed over the years; things are much different than they were 36 years ago when I was engaged. It started with the watch and slowly became the bracelet. Maybe a few years from now, giving an iPad in the yichud room will be the norm!”
Great Expectations
An anonymous Baltimore mother mentioned that her first two daughters-in-law didn’t expect a bracelet or a yichud room gift. When their youngest son got engaged, things were different. “This kalla was expecting the ‘usual’ gifts, and I didn’t feel that we could not give them, so we did,” she admits, adding that she then had to apologize to her other daughters-in-law for not buying them similar gifts. “It is a tremendous pressure on families to have to spend so much money on these gifts. Even if you look at them as being part of the wedding expenses, it is still a tremendous pressure because the wedding already costs a lot of money.
“Honestly,” she queries, “how many people budget for weddings during the long years of raising their children? When your kid gets engaged, that’s when you figure out how to get the money, whether it is by refinancing your house or getting gifts from your parents or some other way. Most frum families don’t have thousands of dollars in the bank put aside to make a wedding. The ring, I feel, is more traditional, so I don’t have a problem buying that, especially since it varies in price. Unless it is tiny or huge, no one can tell how good a quality the diamond is that you got. But if you buy a necklace or a bracelet – which is the same as everyone else is getting – everyone can tell how much it’s worth.”
My daughter-in-law, Natalia Pensak, opines, “Although buying a number of chassan/kalla gifts seems to have become protocol, families shouldn’t feel bad or embarrassed if they are not able to. They may have a lot of kids, or there may be other circumstances that make these gifts unaffordable. I think the whole protocol thing should be more of a guideline as opposed to a strict rule. If you can’t afford it, it’s an uncomfortable conversation to have, especially in the beginning when the chassan and kalla and mechutanim are getting to know each other.”
Natalia adds, “Although any gift is a nice gesture, I don’t think there should be pressure from the mother-in-law-to-be to buy silver candlesticks, rather than ones made of another material, or to be given a diamond bracelet, for example, if a pearl one is preferred. Gifts are always nice and are a reminder that you are thinking of someone. Most important, though, is that whatever the gift is, it should be given with the purpose of showing feelings as opposed to fulfilling an expectation.”
Despite the expectations and pressures, not every family feels obligated to give all the traditional gifts. There are families that are clueless about what is “expected” and only give what feels right to them. If they are lucky, they will be marrying into a family that is also clueless and does not have high expectations. One such mother said, “I did not know that I was supposed to give the chassan a watch or a menorah or a silver esrog box, so I didn’t. He seems to be happy with my daughter anyway. And, although she got a bracelet and a ring, my daughter did not get a present in the yichud room, and she seems to be happy despite that. What a bracha that we were able to find a shidduch for our daughter with another slightly clueless family.”
Extending Ourselves Beyond Halacha
When I spoke to Rabbi Moshe Heinemann about what has evolved into obligatory chassan/kalla gift-giving protocol, he mentioned that, halachically, a chassan can marry his bride with a ring that is worth at least ten cents. He made an analogy to the elaborate funeral expenses in the past, citing a gemara that speaks about the ancient protocol for burying people. For kovod hames, to honor the deceased, the niftar would be dressed in an expensive outfit and buried in a fancy casket surrounded by gold and jewelry. “The gemara says it came to the point that when a parent or sibling died, they felt worse about the expense they had to endure than the actual death,” explains Rabbi Heinemann. “Rabbi Gamliel, who, besides being the gadol hador (most learned), was a nasi, the official leader of klal Yisrael who dealt with government affairs, decided that when he died, he wanted to be buried in a plain, linen outfit (at that time, the cheapest thing available), without a fancy casket or jewelry, so as not to worry people about the expense.”
Rabbi Heinemann extrapolates, “So today, when a person becomes engaged, everyone is very happy, but the parents now have this terrible obligation that they feel they have to live up to in order to make their children happy. It would be the right thing if some gadol would come along and make a takana (ruling) that weddings should serve peanut butter sandwiches. The money spent on the chassan/kalla gifts are not as bad as the expenses spent on the actual wedding, which I feel is money thrown out. The next day, there is nothing to show for it. Gifts at least last, and you can use them.”
Referring to a takana made years ago by a chasidishe Rebbe, Rabbi Heinemann remarked he was shocked to learn that it “only” allowed up to $8,000 for the chassan/kalla gifts – half of a chasana! And, although this Rebbe set guidelines for what could actually be served at the wedding meal and limited the number of guests for the meal, the takana was not foolproof. “You can’t go against the Rebbe, so his followers did exactly as he said, but the day after the wedding, when they made sheva brachos, it was fancier than the wedding; he didn’t say anything about sheva brachos!” notes Rabbi Heinemann. “The point is, you can’t stop people from spending money. The problem is that the people who do not have the money get caught up in this, and it can put them in debt for years. I feel very bad for these people who can’t afford it and think they have to. So if a takana can be made for something that is meaningful, it would save those who can’t afford to spend all this money.”
Rabbi Heinemann mentions the all-inclusive wedding package deals in Baltimore, already put into place in our community, totaling $12,500 from both sides. “It’s still expensive, but a lot of people are taking advantage of it,” concludes the Rav. “Maybe something can be worked out, as well, where the presents for the chassan and kalla should not get extravagant, as they seem to be at this point.”
A Diamond Is Forever…So Are Candlesticks
As a mother of boys, I can tell you these kalla jewelry gifts add up. It usually starts with the kalla bracelet; most boys propose with a white gold diamond bracelet that is roughly $1000. Within a few weeks after the engagement, the kalla chooses her diamond engagement ring. The classic four “Cs” – carat, clarity, color, and cut – of the diamond determine the cost; the average price range spent on a diamond engagement ring in our community is roughly $3,000. Then, closer to the chassana, the yichud room gift is bought. The once-standard trend of pearls has shifted towards a diamond necklace pendant on a white gold chain or diamond earrings, which can cost another $1,000. In total, you are talking about $4,000 to $5,000, average, for all three kalla gifts.
Gilda Naiman, of Gifts by Gilda, mentions that she sells mostly kiddush cup and tray sets, menorahs, and esrog boxes to parents looking for gifts for their future sons-in-law. The average price spent on a kiddush cup and tray set ranges from $300 to $600; menorahs range from $500 to $1,500; and esrog boxes from $500 to $700. The most popular gift purchased in her store by the chassan’s side are sterling silver candlesticks, with an option of a sterling or silver-plated tray. The candlesticks, alone, are in the $800 to $1,200 range, she says.
Kaylah Diamonds and Jewelry owner, Menashe Minkin, shares, “We want to do our small part to make it a bit easier for people to buy what they need for the kalla. We have teamed up with Simchas Esther to offer a special discount to those who qualify, in memory of my mother, Kaylah, a”h. Simchas Esther may be contacted for details of the program. We also have a new kalla package that we offer to all of our customers. We keep our prices competitive with 47th Street pricing, so there is no need to travel out of town.”
“I always ask what the customer’s price range is for leichter,” notes Gilda. “Most people give me a price range within their budget, which is fine. Only one time, a woman of average means who came in with her future daughter-in-law, replied, ‘Whatever she picks is fine.’ I was so surprised by her response. Most people set a limit. She taught me that this part of the wedding expenses is not a gift to skimp on. It is such a meaningful gift that will last a lifetime.”
