Parenting is one of the most
important jobs in the world, yet it requires no training, degrees, or
education. Having a child automatically crowns you as a parent! But will you be
– are you – a good parent or a bad parent? This is a question that bothers many
parents. According to Rabbi Yisroel Miller, in his book Guardian of Eden,
“Most people will cheerfully admit it if they happen to be incompetent at
mathematics or athletics or gardening or automobile repair. Why then are so
many people embarrassed to admit it, if they happen to be no good as parents? It
has been suggested that it is because parents intuitively sense the truth –
that children don’t learn what you preach, they learn what you are. Like it or
not, our every action broadcasts to our children our attitudes towards honesty,
kindliness, hard work, respect for others, and every mitzva in the Torah.”
Parents naturally intuit that if
their children are not what they had hoped it somehow reflects badly on them.
But is that true? Is there more to parenting that simply being your best self?
Is parenting instinctive, or can it be learned? Finally, is there hope for “the
rest of us”?
To answer these questions, I
interviewed Rebbetzin Mindi Hauer, who gives classes to mothers of our
community based on a method called P.E.T., Parent Effectiveness Training. Rebbetzin
Hauer is passionate about this subject and tells me what prompted her to offer
her classes.
“Some years ago,” she says, “I came across a
talk show which featured guests from all walks of life who were asked just one
question: ‘If you had the opportunity to share one piece of wisdom with the
entire world, what would you share?’ I found the idea quite intriguing and
asked myself, what would I share, given that opportunity? I
didn’t need even a millisecond to come up with the answer. I have had the
answer to that question for several years.
“About six years ago, I had the privilege to
meet and host Rabbi Dovid Trenk, z”l, and, yb”l, Rebbetzin Trenk
in my home. They were in town to attend a friend’s daughter’s Shabbos sheva
brachos, and we were asked if we would be able to host them. We were
delighted to do so but were very surprised when, upon the Trenks’ arrival, we
found out that the location of the sheva brachos was a good
40-minute walk from our home. Why on earth would someone set them up at our
home? We were rather confused – that is, until Shabbos morning.
“On Shabbos morning, Rebbetzin
Trenk and I were shmoozing, and the conversation drifted to one of my all-time
favorite topics, namely parenting, at which point Rebbetzin Trenk said to me, ‘Oh,
I’ve been teaching parenting for the last 30 years; I’ll give you all my stuff.’
“Though I didn’t realize it at the
time, not only was I about to learn an approach to parenting that would
dramatically impact my own parenting as well as the parenting of others whom I
have been blessed to teach, I was about to be given a weekly private audience
with one of the wisest, most engaging, and most refreshingly joyful mechanchos (teachers) of our time. It has been nothing short of life changing
for me and my family.
“Though I never did find out the bederech
hateva reason for the Trenks’ stay at our home, the hashgacha pratis had
become abundantly clear. And it is this gift of parenting wisdom, which Hashem
literally brought to my doorstep, that I wish I could share with the entire
world. I thank the Where What When for giving me the opportunity to
reach at least some of that world.”
Here are Rebbetzin Hauer’s thoughts
on parenting and parenting classes.
*
* *
WWW: Rebbetzin Hauer, what is the
purpose of a parenting class?
Mindi Hauer: I will answer by stealing some
lines from the parenting classic, Between Parent and Child by Dr. Chaim
Ginott. He wrote, “No parent wakes up in the morning planning to make a child’s
life miserable. Virtually all parents wish to raise children who are
compassionate, capable, confident and secure. Yet in spite of good intentions,
even parents who are well-meaning find themselves blaming, shaming, accusing,
ridiculing, threatening, bribing, labeling, punishing, preaching, and
moralizing daily. Why? Because love is not enough. Insight is insufficient.
Good parents need skills.”
WWW: At what stage of life should a parent
take a parenting class?
MH: There is a famous story of the
couple who went to the Chazon Ish with their three-year-old to inquire
as to when they should begin to be mechanech (educate) their child. He
told them they were three years too late. So yes, it makes a big difference if
parents have familiarized themselves with a proper approach to parenting before
they enter “the thick” of parenting. Having said that, I have found that it is
a bit more challenging for parents of children under one year of age to absorb
the principles of parenting when their practical application is limited.
WWW: Are parenting classes a modern
invention? Did parents study parenting techniques in the past as well?
MH: It seems
that earlier
generations understood things organically, which later generations do not. In
addition, most mothers today have to balance family and work responsibilities.
This certainly creates stresses in the realm of parenting with which earlier
generations did not have to contend. Also, the outside world is no longer
outside; it is inside, and parents really need insight as to how to keep their
children engaged in meaningful ways and how to maintain positive, loving
relationships with them.
WWW: Do parenting classes undermine
parents’ self-confidence and cause them not to trust their own instincts?
MH: Although P.E.T. skills are very
specific, they make a lot of sense. Hence, they don’t aim to override the
parents’ ideas; rather, they become the way the parents begin to think about
and approach their relationship with their children. This is because the skills
are so straightforward and logical. Once parents have the skills and see
results, they become confident in using the skills and appreciate the ability
to have a warm relationship with their children while at the same time seeing
improvements in their children’s behavior. Rather than diminishing the parents’
self-confidence, it boosts it.
WWW: Tell us about the philosophy of
Parent Effectiveness Training.
MH: Again quoting Dr. Chaim Ginott,
“The first step in a long-term program of creating responsible children (i.e.,
creating a mensch) is a determination to become interested in what
children are thinking and feeling and respond not just to their behavior –
their outward compliance or rebellion – but to the feelings that trigger that
behavior.” This is a critical piece in how we create a relationship with our
children, and it is this relationship which serves as the foundation upon which
all character education takes place because “values cannot be taught directly;
they are absorbed and become part of the child, only through identification
with, and emulation of, persons who gain his or her love and respect.”
Some of the main principles of
P.E.T. are active listening, communicating through “I messages,” and problem
solving.
WWW:
What distinguishes
P.E.T. from other parenting approaches?”
MH:
While other
parenting approaches may offer many on-target parenting concepts, there is no
one specific system in which all potential parent-child conflicts fall. Thus at
the crunch times, implementation becomes challenging. What did the teacher say
about addressing chutzpa? What am I supposed to do when the kids are fighting?
With P.E.T., on the other hand, all
of the principles are condensed into one small chart, and all parenting
challenges fall into one of the categories on this chart. It is thus
significantly more user-friendly, though it does take some time and practice to
integrate.
WWW: Is P.E.T. appropriate for all
ages?
MH:
Yes! Yes! Yes! P.E.T. is a universal way of listening and communicating.
It is not only great for every age; it is great for every relationship in which
you are involved. It is gold!
WWW: How would P.E.T. address specific problems, for
example sibling rivalry?
MH: First, P.E.T. would have you ask
yourself the following question: Do I ever notice and comment when my children
are getting along? Most parents only notice and then comment when children are
not getting along. This simply perpetuates the negative behavior. Why? Because
children will repeat whatever behavior has you noticing them, even if it’s
negative! P.E.T. suggests that way before the next fighting episode occurs,
catch them getting along and comment on it. Catch them sharing, catch them
playing independently and not getting in each other’s hair, and say something!
This is such a simple concept but
it is extremely powerful and effective. I ask parents to try this for two weeks
straight; comment on the absence of a particular negative behavior and avoid
commenting on negative behavior when it surfaces. It’s like magic but it makes
so much sense. The trick is to keep it up; it’s not easy.
WWW: But what should you do if your kids are hitting each
other?
MH: Employ problem-solving, which
basically involves teaching the children to fully hear each other’s sides and
then have each of them pause to consider how the disagreement can be resolved.
You don’t play judge; you are the coach, and you are teaching them to figure
things out on their own. Eventually, with a lot of practice, the children will
learn to settle their disagreements independently!
WWW: What does P.E.T. say about punishment and reward?
MH: Many parents use power and control
(reward and punishment) to raise their children. No one needs to attend a parenting
class to learn how to use these methods.
Although these methods appear to work really well in the short term, not
only are they ineffective but they undermine the parents’ relationship with
their children. And without a relationship, the parents are lost. P.E.T. helps
parents to have the same results, meaning well-functioning homes and families,
through communication and problem-solving skills that create warm and
long-lasting relationships with children. P.E.T. fits in perfectly with the
Torah way of life.
WWW: What is the most important P.E.T.
principle?
I think that one of the most
important principles of P.E.T. is the critical value of listening. As we quoted
Chaim Ginott at the beginning of this article, “The path to raising a mensch is
through the determination to become interested in what children are thinking
and feeling and to respond not to their outward compliance or rebellion but to
the feelings that trigger that behavior.” This is the most effective principle
in parenting!
WWW: How can a parent judge if he or she is being
successful in parenting?
MH: I will answer with something that
my most wonderful and insightful mother, Rebbetzin Dr. Naomi Baumgarten, a”h,
used to say to her children, “If you enjoy your children, you know that you are
doing things rights. Just enjoy them, enjoy them.”
Readers of this
article who are interested in Rebbetzin Hauer’s classes should be in touch by email at connectionschabura@gmail.com for information.
