Although it’s been many years since I had young children in school and had to face the dreaded phone calls from teachers and rebbeim about misbehavior, I haven’t forgotten them. I remember how helpless and hopeless I felt when I got negative feedback from my children’s teachers and principals. What do I do? What should I say? How much control do I have over my children, anyway, especially when they are not with me? Why is everyone else’s child behaving and not mine? Are all the children “A” students except mine?
As long as there are schools and children, principals and parents, the dilemma of the “phone call from school” will be with us. I thought it would be interesting to speak to some school administrators to find out how they would like parents to react to those inevitable phone calls and to parents on how they want to be approached.
Partners! or Partners?
The administrators I spoke to view the schools and parents as partners in producing the best outcome for our children.
Rabbi Yitzchok Sanders, principal of Bais Yaakov Lower Elementary School, emphasized the importance of this partnership: “It is important that parents feel they are partners with the school in the chinuch of their children,” he says. “To create this rapport, a school must cultivate open lines of communication and give parents reason to trust the school. When parents see that their child is thriving on the care and education provided by the teachers, they feel inclined to work alongside with the school.”
Rabbi Shimon Hirsch, menahel of Torah Institute, agrees. “Parents and educators are partners, and it is very important for the child to feel that his parents are reinforcing what the school expects. A child trusts his parents the most, and so he will be more willing to accept the school’s expectations if he knows that his parents agree with the school. Even if the parent is very busy, and it is hard to speak to the child about what is going on in school, the five- or ten-minute investment of time can have a big effect on the child. If the parents do not understand the problem that is going on in school, it is very worthwhile for them to reach out to the school so they will be able to work together when talking to their child. Of course, the person who approaches the parent, and the way the complaint is phrased, makes a difference as well.”
Unfortunately, parents do not always get this message of partnership. “A parent and a child are connected on a very deep level,” says Mrs. T. “From the moment of birth, the child is a part of the parent, and every parent longs to hear that her child is perfect! So even if the principal is calling with the best of intentions, the parent may still hear ‘hidden’ messages behind his words.”
Mrs. T. gives some examples: “If the principal says, your child is fighting at recess, the parent hears, ‘What kind of a parent are you? Is he imitating what he sees at home?’ If the principal says that your child does not do his homework, the parent hears, ‘Aren’t you aware that school children have homework? Why aren’t you making sure he does it!’ If the principal says, ‘Your child is the only one in the class who failed the test,’ the parent will hear, ‘Your family probably has defective genes. How could he be so slow?’”
Before dismissing these concerns as insecurity and oversensitivity on the part of parents, consider that their strong identification with their child makes it very difficult for a parent to not feel defensive when his or her child is criticized – although, interestingly, not every parent takes it that way. Mrs. S. told me that when she gets a call, she listens to see what type of offense the child committed. “If it seems like a ‘normal’ childish prank, I don’t let it bother me. I know he will outgrow it. I think the school feels obligated to call because they use calls to the parents as a type of deterrent and also a punishment. The principal and parent must play their proper ‘roles,’ and then life goes on. Even if it is a serious concern,’ concludes Mrs. S, “it is important to focus on the problem and work with the school and not simply get angry at the messenger.
“Also,” Mrs. S. continues, “a lot depends on the child and how they usually behave. If I am very worried about my child’s behavior and have already received many negative phone calls, I will react differently than if I am confident that my child is generally okay.”
Some parents resent the idea of the school calling at all. “How much control do I have over how my child behaves in school? Mrs. R. asked me, in frustration, “I don’t call the teacher when my child does not go to bed on time or fights with his siblings. I deal with it at home. Why is the teacher calling me when my child misbehaves in school?”
What the School Can Do
So, what can be done? In my opinion, the school has to take the lead in communicating empathy and sensitivity. They have to bend over backwards to help the parent realize that they really are partners and that they really do want to help.
Small things can make a big difference. Part of this might even be acknowledging, verbally, how difficult this phone call is for the parent. A lot also depends on how the suggestion is worded. Mr. B., a parent, told me, “It is not so easy to find the time and the money to bring my child to tutoring or some other extra help at the end of a long day, so if the teacher understands how difficult it is, it makes the suggestions easier to swallow. I also appreciate it when the person who calls me from the school is someone in my age bracket, who understands my challenges.”
Another idea might be making sure that the parent is aware of who will be attending the meeting with the principal. One mother was horrified when she walked into a planned meeting with the principal only to find many other people at the meeting as well. It seemed to her that it was a whole army of people waiting to attack.
Mrs. Brocha Margolese, of Darchei Noam Montessori, has a system worked out for her school and is very clear about her goals and methods. The first step when a child has any challenge is to “look in the mirror” and see what the teacher and the school can do differently. What can be changed in the classroom so that the child will be able to succeed?
The second step is to observe the behavior and ascertain what exactly is happening: Where and when are the challenges and are there any prompts to those challenges? With this information, a meeting is called with the parents to learn and share as much as possible in order to set up a process for growth and success.
“The parent and the school are a team to help the child reach his or her full potential,” says Mrs. Margolese. “When you come to a meeting at the school about your child, you do not need an advocate. We are your child’s advocate. It is not us-against-you. We both care about the best chinuch for your child.”
What Parents Can Do
There is much parents can do, as well, to ease communication and foster cooperation. First of all, they should do their best to deemphasize emotion and reflexive judgments and call upon maturity and logic, instead.
As Rabbi Sanders said, “If a child is dropped off at school crying, we don’t make judgments about the parent; we find out what happened. In the same way, if a child comes home from school crying, the parents should find out what happened. Consider communicating with the school before rushing to conclusions.’
It is also important to work with the school. “Parents should be honest with the school about what is going on at home,” Rabbi Sanders says, “so that there can be greater understanding of the child’s needs. There also needs to be a shared vocabulary so that the child receives a uniform message from both parties. Mixed messages are very confusing to a child. The school has to teach the child about the importance of honoring the parents, and the parents have to emphasize the kavod due to the teachers,” Rabbi Sanders continues. “The best way to be mechanech (educate) children is by example – not just by instructing children what to do but by demonstrating the right way to behave.”
Dr. Joseph Bechhofer, a child psychologist, says, “Schools get in touch with parents when there is a problem so that everyone who is involved with the child can be on the same page. The goal is not to have the parents ‘fix’ the child but to have the parent be aware of what the school is planning to do to help the child. When a parent is called about their child’s behavior in school, the first step is for the parent to recognize the issue. They have to acknowledge the problem. Only after that can they be advocates for their child.”
And parents, not only principals, need to be careful in how they express themselves. Mrs. Smith, a teacher, told me about a conversation with a parent. She called a mother to tell her that her daughter was not doing her homework. The mother responded, in a seemingly callous fashion, “Home work is her responsibility. Please leave me out of it.”
The teacher was speechless. “I couldn’t believe that a parent would blatantly admit that she did not care about her child at school,” Mrs. Smith says.
The parent should have said – and probably meant – “It is too hard for me to enforce homework at home. I would appreciate it if you could make some consequences at school in order to help my child take responsibility for her own homework.”
The Bottom Line
Although the relationship between parents and school has built-in pitfalls, the conclusion I reached after interviewing representatives of both parties is that making it work is well worth it. “We have to realize that chinuch is a process,” says Rabbi Sanders. “It takes place over many years. Both parents and teachers should seek continual training and support in their different roles. With that additional input, parent/teacher partnerships can flourish, and an ongoing, gradual feeling of trust can blossom. True partners work together in a cooperative, respectful fashion for the benefit of the child.”
