Navigating the shidduch system was a cinch when the Baby Boomers dated. That’s because there was no system – and yet, singles did not suffer from the shidduch “crisis” referred to today. In addition to meeting at shul, school, and singles events, they met at Shabbos tables, Catskill hotels, libraries, and even Tashlich. Relatives, friends, classmates, students, workmates, and neighbors often proposed (no pun intended) ideas. Oh, and suggestions were also made by shadchanim.
There was no such thing
as today’s mandatory shidduch profile (more commonly called by the misnomer
“resume”), and guys (or their mothers) did not insist on seeing the girl’s photo
prior to going out. An extensive preliminary FBI (Frum Bureau of Investigation)
check of references did not exist. After hearing some details, you basically trusted
the person who broached the idea and then relied on your own judgment.
After reading an article
in Mishpacha magazine critical of the
grilling that goes on before a first date and the numerous readers’ letters that
followed, I polled local and global contacts about their take on all aspects of
our present shidduch system. There was no lack of (sometimes heated) response.
Questioning the
Questions
Sheila Fechter, of
Baltimore, says that today’s singles are pickier about wanting to know about a person
even prior to meeting or speaking on the phone. “It seems more like looking for
the perfect look or the right lifestyle, says Sheila. “Part of getting to know someone
is through conversation. You share family and medical issues once you are becoming
close as a couple, not as part of the resume/shidduch process. In my day – before resumes – we were good sports and
let friends fix us up even with only a little bit of information. Many dates
resulted in great marriages; others resulted in lots of good stories about bad dates
or good ones we let go, only to reconnect and marry years later.”
One Baltimorean,
Gitti,* shares her view of the investigative process. “Neighbors and friends will
probably not know the whole–truth-and-nothing-but-the-truth about someone else’s
private situation; even if they think they know, they might not be accurate. We
all want to be sure that the person we are dating is perfect, but maybe we have
to learn to accept that we can’t control everything. We have to be willing to take
that risk. I think the goal should be honesty when the couple is dating. If you
want to know if there is mental illness in their family, why not ask them? You will
most likely hear the real truth rather than digging around for garbage from others.”
Basya,* another anonymous
Baltimorean, rhetorically asks, are we asking questions that are inappropriate,
meaningless, intrusive and/or detrimental? “Someone once called me as a reference
for a friend of mine. I sang her praises and spoke of her stellar middos, caring nature, easygoing personality,
and how responsible and capable she is in so many areas. The person then proceeded
to ask me, ‘So, just her father works? Why doesn’t her mother work?’ I told her
that I don’t have specifics of her financial situation as it’s something we don’t
discuss, because it’s irrelevant. After a few more ridiculous questions, she thanked
me and hung up. Aren’t we taught we should look for spouses who have exceptional
middos and are good, caring people? It
seemed the most important thing to her was finding out why someone was a stay-at-home
mother.”
Tamar,* who is single,
told me about some of the questions the boy’s mothers asked about her, as
shared by her references. “I was shocked and felt bad for the references, who had
to deal with this! I feel that rabbis should set some parameters for what is and
isn’t appropriate to ask/say to references, so mothers shouldn’t say whatever they
feel like and references aren’t forced to give a response. One mother called my
friends and asked, on a scale of one-to-ten, how smart I am. This same mother put
down all my friends and said, ‘You guys are really not great references; your answers
are so typical!’ She made them all feel quite bad. She also asked about some personal
info and when my friend responded, ‘I don’t know the answer,’ she said, ‘How could
you not know this about her if you’re such good friends with her!?’ My friend told
me that she is so nervous taking shidduch
calls – and sometimes doesn’t – because she is afraid of being attacked. One mother
even asked my friend to send her a full body picture of me! Obviously, my friend
told her she can’t send it, but the fact that she had the audacity to make such
a request is really crazy.”
B. Fisher of Boro Park
concurs. “Although I am by no means an expert in the field (I’m only 21!), I can
attest that the shidduch questions being
asked are meaningless and demeaning. If I tell the mother of a boy that a specific
girl is smart, why does she then ask me ‘Is she over-smart?’ Why is the response
to ‘She’s probably about 5’2” tall,’ ‘Oh, so you mean she’s under 5 feet?’ If I
say a girl is outspoken, the mother wants to know if she’s brash, and if I say a
girl is to the quieter end, the obvious assumption is that she’s socially awkward.
When I give information, I am speaking honestly and sincerely. I should hope that’s
the case for most other people. Why are people digging around like FBI investigators
to discover lies that aren’t there? Why are we automatically assuming that everyone
out there has borderline personality disorder?”
Getting Our
Priorities Straight
As a therapist living
on Moshav Matityahu, Batya Jacobs says she sees some of the fall-out from our shidduch system. “Shidduch profiles make it more of a cattle market than ever,” she
says. “What’s needed is people who care and who know the people involved. Let’s
tell the whole truth. We are not only allowed to when it comes to shidduchim, it is our obligation. Truth,
caring, and taking the time to understand the young ones involved and helping them
work out what they really want. Then we might have a useful system.”
Penina,* who lives
in New York, thinks our shidduch system
is atrocious – especially the sharing of singles’ photos. “By the time we got engaged,
my husband thought I was gorgeous (and, b”H,
he still does 20-plus years later – yes, his eyesight is declining!). He confesses
that on our first date he thought there was something a little funny looking about
me. Who knows if he would have agreed to meet me if he’d seen a picture first? (I
am not photogenic.) We, who should be
the least superficial – as frum Jews –
are so, so superficial. Not just with looks, but the details we look at, as well.”
Miri Isaacs, of Lakewood,
does not think resumes and too many questions is our downfall. “It’s only indicative
of a deeper issue, and that is externals,” says Miri. “We place so much emphasis
on externals! As though a hat can make a good spouse! A seminary, a job, a yeshiva,
etc., are not what makes a good marriage. If you would interview divorcees you would
have enough material to fill up a book about this, but it won’t get people to change
the system.”
Hannah Heller
gives us a glimpse of the “good old days.” Hannah met her husband, Todd, a”h, in 1979, while living in the same
Upper West Side building in New York. He was a baal teshuva; she was frum
from birth. “I often helped him with reading Hebrew, something that did not come
easily to him,” shares Hannah. “While we were dating, one Orthodox woman said
she thought the relationship was “too casual.” A friend of mine from seminary
in Israel said, ‘I don’t know, Hannah, isn’t the guy supposed to know more than
the girl?’ I am glad I didn’t listen to either of these people. We had almost
22 years together before his life was ended by cancer.”
According to
Hannah, trying to meet one’s bashert
exclusively through shidduch dating
is limiting and, in addition, there are too many ridiculous questions that go
around in the shidduch world.
“Questions about a person’s middot
(character traits) are all that matters,” says Hannah. “A person’s finances,
weight, health, and life situation can change at any time. COVID-19 has shown
us that we often have no control over our circumstances. What matters is not
the person’s situation, but rather how they deal with it.”
Thinking Out-of-the-Box
Some of those I
spoke to had ideas on how to alleviate the shidduch
crisis.
Miriam Sidell, a
volunteer shadchan in Baltimore,
shares a few of her post-COVID “radical” ideas that might alleviate the
“limitations of shidduch dating.”
“At every chasana there should be a shadchan to meet boys and girls after
the chupa. The wedding invitation can
include a small card inviting singles to submit their shidduch resumes to an email address beforehand. If the shadchan comes up with an idea, right
then and there, the couple can meet (while they are dressed their best) for a
first brief date. Obvious topic: ‘How do you know the chassan/kallah?’ If there
is interest, the young people or their parents can do research.
“Also, those
interested in hosting singles, can invite three or four “boys” and three or
four “girls” for a Shabbos meal; planned topics will encourage lively
discussions,” suggests Miriam. “If there is interest, a date can be
facilitated. Another idea is having a pre-date phone call to plan the date
together (the way it was 35 years ago!), or a Zoom first date to see if travel
is worthwhile.”
Miriam’s husband
remembers being at a Torah Umesorah convention about 43 years ago, at which he
was set up right then and there, to take a walk with a girl. By contrast,
Miriam has noticed these current trends: 1) The girls (not their parents) are
more open to various types of boys; 2) the boys want to see a picture before
they even do any research (how many girls look like their shidduch picture after having a couple of kids?); 3) many boys
don’t want to travel because there are so many girls in the New York area, although,
if they are plus and have not yet
found their bashert, travel becomes
worthwhile.
“I feel that a
change of attitude in parents and singles is called for,” says Miriam. “First
of all, the girls and their parents are very idealistic. They think that the
best learning boy will make the best husband, when it is the person’s middos and a similar Torah outlook that
are much more important. Also, many girls expect the boy to be as learned and
polished as their fathers. They need to look for potential and a growth
mindset, rather than expecting the boy to be a finished product,” she
concludes.
Older Singles Should Meet
A single divorcee
in her late-30s has ideas for this age group.
“I think a crucial
missing component is exposure to older singles in their 30s, 40s, and beyond,”
she says. “We keep our genders very segregated, but at a certain point, that
should not be the case anymore. Shuls can have singles volunteer to help with
their landscaping, set up events, conduct book clubs, and hold Torah classes
for singles. These can be open to even non-members. Volunteer organizations can
host singles for activities such as a food packaging. A kosher supermarket can
facilitate singles meeting in a non-dating, non-pressured atmosphere by
allowing them to voluntarily put together food packages for those experiencing
financial difficulties.
“If such events
occurred regularly, singles could get to see and know each other; they could
ask each other out or have someone suggest it for them. If I met a great guy at
such an event and discovered he had a learning disability or a limp or
depression issues, if I really knew him and liked him, I would want to commit
to him! I believe it’s not about resumes or whether the person is on medicine
or not, or what sheitel the mother
wears. It’s about do I know and like this person enough to want to live the
rest of my life with him.”
The Downside of Money
One anonymous Israeli
father addresses the fact that some people inquire how much money each side is offering.
“Perhaps this needs to be reassessed,” he says. “While the goal may be to enable
their son/son-in-law remain in learning as long as possible, do they realize that
it does not end with a lump sum at the time of the wedding, or that a girl from
a well-to-do family runs the risk of being ‘high maintenance,’ or that a family
that gives a large sum may expect you to
pay half of something that is way above your means?
“I can tell you that
we did not look for any money (in fact the less the better) and found spouses for
our children from families that share our goals and lifestyle. My children know
that we and the mechutanim do not have
a fortune, but they love working with us on how to get by on a budget, this includes
finding furniture and electrical appliances that others are either giving away or
selling second-hand at a low price. They know that we are always there for them,
and when they come for Shabbos they are sent home with loads of goodies (meat, chicken,
home-cooking, toys for the children, etc.).
Having mechutanim on the same wavelength
has been a pleasure. I realize the idea of supporting your child may be a noble
idea, leshem Shamayim, but before people
focus on that and turn down shidduchim
because the other side cannot come up with a certain sum, I think they should realize
that the lack of wealth is probably outweighed by the very positive aspects of
having an average income.”
The Bottom Line
Dr. Yael Treitel, a
Flatbush-based psychologist and shadchan,
has also been asked “insane” questions about the singles she looks out for. Once,
a parent inquired where the single’s grandparents were buried! “I think it is important
to know that we are looking for perfect for you
and not ‘perfect,’ says Dr. Treitel. “A lot with the singles I work with are looking
for perfect, and that is where the disconnect comes in. I tell them, you are not
perfect, therefore, your chassan or kallah will not be perfect either. I find
that people are looking for the same, not complementary – for example, a Harvard
student who feels he needs to marry a Columbia student.”
Regarding singles who
discover a mental health issue, Yael advises, “Be aware that, sometimes, you are
not going to know things until a third date. I can’t tell you it’s going to be okay
for you, but I can tell you that when they are open and honest, it’s less of a red
flag than if they are hiding it. I would be more comfortable with someone on medication
who has grown from it and is now a stable adult than someone who is denying their
problem and not going on medication.
“You would be surprised
what medications people are on and what they are doing. I don’t think most references
would know that. I would want to know the dosage as well as what happens when they
go off the medication, whether it affects
their life. If the person is open and honest and gives you their doctor’s number,
this may be something you can work with. Don’t think it’s a bad thing. I think everyone
has to choose for themselves what their threshold is. Everyone has something – most
important is how they deal with the particular issue.” Dr. Treitel concludes, “I
think a more open-minded person would have more dates, but Hakadosh Baruch Hu has your bashert
– no matter what; that is not going to change.”
Binyamin Lieb of Ramat
Beit Shemesh says, “Just because one can find out everything about a potential shidduch doesn’t mean that one should. Hashem
is mezaveg zivugim; He pairs couples.
Our efforts are hishtadlus, and we must
only do what is valid and sensible. Finding out more than what is necessary to know
about the person’s qualification for being a wife or husband, e.g., their kindness,
patience, willingness to work together, etc., suggests that we think we need to
outsmart Hashem, chas veshalom.
“Granted, there is
an unfortunate phenomenon of parents covering up their children’s shortcomings so
as not to spoil their shidduchim, and
a parent/adviser does need to be aware of that and inquire accordingly and properly,
by asking the right people in the right way. However, marriage is not the pairing
of two perfect people but the coming together of two different individuals, each
with his or her strengths and faults, who work together to serve Hashem as a couple.
Honest singles could therefore decide for themselves whether they could make a marriage
with the person with a particular shortcoming. Then, perhaps, we wouldn’t need to
dig as deep as they do nowadays.”
Torontonian Ester Zirkind
mentions, “All I look for in shidduchim
for my children are two things: middos tovos
and yiras Shamayim. Anything else
is a nice extra. Without those two, you have nothing!!
R.I., from Bnai Brak,
concludes, “I’ve married off 12 children. With the youngest, I had my interviewing
skills down to an art form. Now that they are all happily married with their own
families, I can admit that all my investigations were not worth the time and worry
and anxiety I put into them. Every single one of my children discovered something
after the marriage that I’d missed, and which would definitely have ended the shidduch before they met. Every single one!
And you know what? I have the most wonderful
sons/daughters-in-law and I wouldn’t change any of them. So, Hashem must surely
be amused by our delusional efforts to control the lives and futures of our children.
He listens to our prayers, and then makes a better choice than we ever could!”
SIDEBAR:
Baltimore’s New “Sameach
Tesamach” Initiative
“I believe the shidduch system needs a major overhaul,”
says Baltimore-based psychotherapist and motivational speaker, Rabbi Yisroel Roll.
“Minor changes to such things as resumes will not make a difference. We need to
be creative and change the system to give singles more autonomy and to allow them
to promote themselves, which will be possible in the proposed initiative called
Sameach Tesamach.
According to Rabbi
Roll, a committee of 20 people has met a number of times, and chashuve Baltimore rabbanim and poskim have given
it their haskama (halachic approval).
The objective of this shidduch program
is for single friends of the chassan and
kallah, over the age of 22, to engage
in (no pun intended!) a supervised and chaperoned “SpeedMeet” program at
weddings. The attendees will be informed of and will “opt-in” to the program two
weeks before the upcoming wedding.
“Many girls have not
gotten any suggestions or dates in over
a year,” says Rabbi Roll. “We need to get them to interact and meet people. We need
to be bold and outside-the-box while ensuring tznius, which this program does. When a boy or girl engages in the supervised
round-table discussions in a private room after the chupa, with chaperones and shadchanim
present, they may decide that a person at the event is appropriate for a friend
of theirs, if not for them. Hence the name of the program, Sameach Tesamach,
“to be happy and to make someone else happy.” There are similar programs for retreats
and Shabbatonim which have been approved by mainstream chashuve rabbanim. Anyone
interested in running this program in their city is invited to contact me at yisroelroll@gmail.com.”
