Some things are done a certain way, and we all assume they will always be done that way. But PTA meetings, amazingly enough, have changed dramatically. Twenty-five years ago, I waited in line for two hours to see just one of my son’s two teachers. It was considered normal for parents to spend the entire evening at school, never being able to tell the babysitter when they would be home, because they had no idea how long the wait would be. While waiting in line, the parents would grumble about what an inefficient way it was to do things, but everybody figured that this was the way it was, and this was the way it would stay!
If your children are young, you probably can’t believe your ears. Weren’t there appointments? Didn’t you have to sign up? Nope, no appointments, and the only place you signed was in the notebook at the teacher’s door to show who had arrived first. And not only did we have to wait a long time to see the teacher, no time limit was set for the conference. The person in front of us could stay as long as he or she wanted, which made the waiting time even longer. Today if you go over five minutes, a bell rings, or a friendly voice firmly encourages you and the teacher to allow the next parent to have a turn.
I don’t know who started the appointment system, but within one year, all the schools jumped on the bandwagon, and PTA meetings were suddenly streamlined. It was unbelievable; I can now see nine teachers and be out of the school building in half-anhour.
Yes, the logistics have changed, but the substance has remained the same. Like it or not, for most parents and teachers, PTA meetings are as inevitable as taxes. And while some parents look forward to them as pleasant, nachas-filled evenings out, others dread them as nights of psychological agony.
Take Mrs. Pines,* who hears glowing reports about her son, Yossi, and goes home feeling happy – confident that his success is due to her excellent parenting skills. She assumes her child will continue to bring her nachas and may not realize how grateful she should be to have a child for whom learning comes easy.
Mr. Barnes,* on the other hand, trudges out of the PTA meeting depressed and overwhelmed, after hearing bad reports about his daughter Rivki. What is going to happen to my child? Why can’t she behave? Why is she doing so poorly academically? He is embarrassed about his parenting skills and envies the person in front of him in line, who seems to be all smiles. Even when the teachers are understanding and kind, Mr. Barnes feels judged.
Do PTA Meetings Have a Purpose?
“Are PTA meetings just to praise some parents and torture others?” I asked some local teachers. “If your child is doing well academically and socially, you probably know that already, and if he’s not, do you really want to hear all the gory details? What is there to be gained by attending?”
“The purpose of a PTA meeting from the teacher’s perspective is to meet the parents so that you can understand your students better. A child’s attitude often emulates what he sees at home,” says Mrs. Judy Neuberger, a Bais Yaakov third-grade teacher, who began teaching 43 years ago. “And there is no comparison between speaking on the phone and meeting in person.”
Mrs. Schwartz,* another teacher, relates, “I wondered why one of the best students in my class was so anxious before every test, until I met her mother and saw what a perfectionist the mother was and how concerned she was about her daughter’s grades.”
Mrs. Neuberger gives another reason for PTA meetings: “Knowing that you will have to discuss each child with her parent forces you to take a deep look at each student and prepare what you are going to say. It stops teachers from coasting along and forces them to evaluate each child’s strengths and weaknesses.
“Today we are in a much better position to help struggling students than we were in the past,” Mrs. Neuberger continues. “Thirty-five years ago, the only option was to tell parents their child was behind, but there weren’t many choices available to help the child. Today, in Bais Yaakov, besides SHEMESH, Title One, and the Learning Centers, each grade employs a tutor who helps students with their reading and Chumash skills. This is a service provided by the school at no cost to the parents. When a parent of astudent who needs help comes to the PTA meeting, I now have many options to offer.”
Rabbi Feld,* a ninth grade rebbe in a boy’s high school in another city, was adamant about the importance of PTA meetings even for high school boys. “Parents need to know where their children are holding,” says Rabbi Feld. “To the teacher, your child is only one of 20 or 30 other boys, but to you he is your most important investment. You are the one who cares about him the most. You need to hear if he needs extra help in any area. Sometimes parents fool themselves and think their children are doing well when it is not really true. They need to know the truth, so they can get their child the help they need.
“Truthfully,” Rabbi Feld continues, “a rebbe is human, and if a parent shows concern for his child and is in touch with the rebbe, he will naturally give the child more attention.”
According to Rabbi Feld, it also helps the rebbe to get feedback from the parents, to hear whether their son is happy and what he especially enjoys. “When I tell a joke to the boys in class all I get is boos, so I appreciate hearing that the boy repeated the joke at home and really enjoyed it. Just as a cook likes to hear that his food was appreciated, a rebbe likes to hear that the boys are learning and appreciate what he is teaching.
“Even if parents know for sure that their child is an excellent student, when they make the effort to come to a PTA meeting it shows respect for the rebbe and the school.”
Understanding the Student
“Sometimes understanding the family dynamics leads to a greater understanding of a child,” says Mrs. Park,* another elementary school teacher. “Once a parent explained to me that her daughter, Tova, was a weaker student than all her other brothers and sisters. The mother was so proud of her other children that she had kept a journal of the reports she had gotten about them from their teachers. Now she felt she had to throw the journal away, so Tova wouldn’t see it and feel inferior. Once I understood the pressures that Tova was facing at home, I made a big effort to give her opportunities to shine in class,” says Mrs. Park. “I looked at her issues with a different perspective once I understood her challenges.”
Rabbi Bald,* a fourth-grade teacher did something similar. Yitzchak, a child in his class, was very sad. He rarely participated or played with the other students, and he never smiled. “I was very concerned, especially after hearing from the previous year’s rebbe that Yitzchak was a cheerful, happy child. When I mentioned this to the parents, they exchanged glances and told me that they were planning to get divorced but hadn’t told their children yet. This revelation was eye opening to me and enabled me to treat Yitzchak with much greater sensitivity and understanding. I imagine it was also a wakeup call to the parents as to how much more aware their child was of the situation than they had thought. Many years later I got a chasana invitation from this boy, and he thanked me for the extra care I had given him that year.”
Mrs. Klein,* mother of a sixth-grade boy, was so touched when an issue she had discussed with her son’s rebbe really made a difference. She had confided in the rebbe, during the PTA meeting, that she felt her son Levi did not have a strong relationship with his father and did not enjoy learning or spending time with him. The rebbe listened and took action. Mrs. Klein noticed that the homework assignments put more emphasis on learning and discussing questions with Mr. Klein. Once or twice, her son actually called his father in the middle of the day from the classroom to relate a good question or answer he had given. “It was so heartwarming to feel that the rebbe not only listened but actually tried to help,” says Mrs. Klein. “It really made a difference in my son’s relationship with his father.”
A parent can also make improvements by using feedback from the teacher. A friend of mine in Eretz Yisrael told me about a clever parent who used a teacher’s note to great effect: The mother was putting a tremendous amount of work into Tova’s schoolwork, and the day before Succos, her teacher sent home a very long beautiful note. “The teacher wrote that it was very clear to her that Tova was investing a lot of energy in her schoolwork and that she was a pleasure to have in the classroom. She mentioned how Tova davened beautifully and spread a good feeling among all the kids who sat near her, and that she was expecting a beautiful year with her. It was so nice to get a positive letter, because she is so difficult at home. We photocopied the note and put it on the front door, and everyone read it, going in and out. It had such an effect on my daughter and how everyone treated her that Yom Tov. It actually got on her nerves, because whenever she misbehaved, I would say something like, ‘Tova, are you the girl who spreads good feeling to those around you?’”
When the News is Not Good
“I am slowly but surely healing from the trauma of conferences on Monday night,” moans Chana.* “I came home bruised and battered. I felt like I was in a boxing ring with a hook delivered to my jaw from left field (that was Moshie’s teacher) followed closely by a series of blows delivered from right field just as I was struggling back to my feet (that was Dovid’s teacher). I came home clutching my gaping wounds trying to preserve whatever shreds of self-dignity remained.”
Chana feels attacked when the teachers tell her about her children’s misbehavior. She feels they are criticizing her parenting skills and implying that if she were a good parent, her children wouldn’t misbehave, and if they do misbehave it is her job to fix them. “So what would you like the teachers to do if they are having a hard time with your child in the classroom?” I asked. “What should they say? After all, he is your child and your final responsibility,” I concluded rather unsympathetically.
Chana was eager to share her feelings: “Right now I am hearing, your child is a mess and it is your fault. Make him behave or he can’t come back to school! It would be wonderful if teachers would talk to me about specific infractions and brainstorm with me as to how they should be handled. It is not helpful if my child is attacked globally. I would like to feel that the teacher respects my intelligence and assumes that I am trying my best to bring up my child to be a mensch.
“Bringing up a child is a process. It is not a quick-fix situation. I don’t have the power to make him behave perfectly either at school or at home. Not all behaviors are controllable by remote control! I am working with him and I will continue to work with him. But just as we work with our child at home when he misbehaves, I would like the teacher to work with him if he misbehaves in school. That is their job as an educator.”
Chana would prefer the teacher’s attitude to be, “I think Dovid is so amazing. He is so smart, kind, or funny (something positive), but this behavior is unacceptable. This is how I am handling it in school. It’s not working that well. Do you have any suggestions?”
Arriving Home
When you get home from a PTA meeting, your children may be eagerly waiting to hear the report. Actually, that is probably only true if they know the report will be good. If they assume the report is bad, they have probably gone to sleep.
Should you report to them exactly what the teacher said? Is it beneficial for them to hear lavish praises or harsh criticism? Of course, you should use your intuition about what to report. Think about how to tell your child what the teacher said, and what words, methods, and consequences you will use to improve the situation.
Obviously, if the teacher was very critical, don’t pour all the criticism on your child in one swoop. Think about what is within your child’s ability to improve and what will just make him miserable and resentful. If you only tell him how absolutely awful he is, you may kill any desire to improve. You don’t want him to come to school the next day full of hatred for the teacher, but you do want to have a plan to help him progress.
On the other hand, if the teachers were very effusive in their praise, it is probably better to be more neutral when you speak to your child. Tell him he is doing wonderfully, but don’t make him feel that he has reached the top of the mountain and accomplished all goals, which might make him feel he has nothing left to learn.
Sometimes an older student may feel resentful that she has been left out of the conferences. As Rochel,* a young mother, reported, “From my experience as a high school student, I always loathed conferences. I felt that if the teacher has a problem, it should be discussed with me. As a high school student, I was old enough to be responsible for my own behavior. And if the teacher was saying something nice, why couldn’t I hear it, too? I always felt powerless, a victim of conferences. I think schools should implement studentteacher conferences.”
I think Rochel’s thoughts really prove the point I mentioned above: A parent should filter the report before telling the children what the teacher said, because if we really wanted them to know every word, wouldn’t it be better to have a parent, teacher, and child meet together?
Keeping Things in Perspective
We have discussed the importance of PTA meetings and how much can be accomplished by teachers and parents working together to create the best environment for the children, but to make things less stressful for all involved, there is an important perspective to keep in mind.
School is just school. It is a very important part of your child’s life right now, and it may have far-reaching ramifications, but it is not the sole deciding factor in their future success. Even if your child is the best in his class in every subject, and won the middos of the year award, it is no guarantee of future stardom. Conversely, your child may be at the bottom of his class in every subject and the worse behaved kid in the whole school, but that doesn’t doom him for life. Kids grow up and change, and many of the skills that determine success in the classroom have little to do with the rest of life.
Here is one example, but I am sure you can think of many of your own: Many years ago, I knew a child who simply did not do well in school. Every year was a war, and every night’s homework was a battle in that war. The parents were worn down by the constant losing struggle to keep their son from failing school. Concerned calls from the teachers and the principal were the norm. Now, about 30 years later, the battle scars of school have long since faded. The child warrior is now a much admired, efficient father of many. He deals with life’s challenges skillfully and is a source of advice and solace to others. Believe it or not, the fact that he almost did not get a high school diploma does not mean that he doesn’t have the skills to lead an accomplished life. If only his parents had been assured of that when they were in the midst of the war.
Sometimes, it is those exact attributes that drive teachers crazy and generate frustrated reports at PTA meetings that turn out to be the tools for future success. When Reuven* was in school, he couldn’t sit still and was not in the least bit interested in learning. Mr. Smith,* his math teacher, once exclaimed in frustration to the principal, “It’s either Reuven or me; one of has to leave!” Despite spending a good deal of time in the hallways of his school, Reuven still had plenty of time to tell hysterical jokes and one liners that kept his fellow students in stitches and his teachers in despair. Today, all that energy, good humor, and creativity is channeled into being a successful kiruv worker on a college campus in Florida.
So, whether you are the proud parent of the star pupil or the discouraged parent of the class clown – or maybe you have one of each! – remember that we are just talking about school, a relatively small part of your child’s hopefully happy and succ
