Dear Mr. Weisbord,
Pesach is over, and our daughter will soon be coming home from seminary in Eretz Yisrael. But instead of being happy, I am upset and worried. We visited her this past winter and found a different girl than the one we sent off. And according to our phone conversations, it has only gotten worse.
We are a middle-of-the-road frum family – not especially modern nor extremely chareidi, either. We fit in well in Baltimore. Both my husband and I have college degrees and work as professionals. This is our oldest daughter; she is extremely bright and talented, b”H. During her last year in high school, after discussing it with a relative, she decided to become a physician’s assistant, because she thought it would afford her opportunities for full- or part-time work with a good income.
Now, she doesn’t want to go to college. She says physician’s assistant is not a “frum” field, and besides, she doesn’t want to expose herself to the atmosphere in college and graduate school that it would require. She wants to marry a boy who will be learning long term. She has not decided what field to work in and may end up being a teacher. This is a very honorable profession, but it won’t support a kollel way of life. I don’t think my daughter realizes the real-world implications of poverty.
I know that the girls come back from seminary changed. But I still wonder if my daughter’s actions are normal. She told us that her focus is on kedusha and what will be good for her neshama. But to me, it almost seems as though she no longer has a mind of her own. She is afraid to do anything that expresses her individuality, the person is used to be, anything that is not exactly according to the “script.” She told us that we can’t relate to the person she is aspiring to be, and therefore she can’t trust our advice.
What’s really bothering me is not that our daughter is more frum that we are. We wanted her to go to Eretz Yisrael to see a more holy way of life and be inspired. We wanted her to learn and grow and explore who she is and what she wants to become. But we are also worried about her future, and we want to have a meaningful relationship with her and be a happy family.
Should we just be patient and hope that our daughter will come down to earth after her return? Should we try to force her to go to college? What can we say to her that would be effective and not destroy our relationship?
Sincerely,
Never Thought This Would Happen
Dear Never Thought This Would Happen,
You have a described a very difficult, painful, and frightening situation. It sounds like you are happy for your daughter to be inspired religiously by her year in Eretz Yisrael but are concerned about her losing her ability to express herself and to determine what is best for her. Unfortunately, this phenomenon is not as uncommon as one might think, and really is an outgrowth of what many seminaries offer – exposing students to a lifestyle that is spiritually “higher” than their own for an extended period of time at an impressionable age. The result is something that we can relate to, perhaps in a slightly different form. Here is an example: We have all had the experience of meeting someone inspiring and thinking that it would be nice to live like that person. But the realities of our own lives make us recognize that if we want to live like that we have a lot of long, hard work to do. We may be inspired to begin that work, but we understand that we can’t just flip a switch and become someone different.
One of the beauties of being a teenager is that to a teen, anything is possible. Part of the natural process of becoming an adult is trying on various identities and seeing what they feel like and what reaction they evoke in others. Your daughter sees something beautiful and wants it for herself. Consequently, she wants to keep away from anything that might make her feel that she isn’t there yet, and this includes some of the natural activities she may previously have engaged in. It may take some time for her to realize that she already is who she is, and that she must work on herself to internalize levels of growth. There is a difference between where I want to go and where I am right now. I can strive to grow in chesed (kindness) or ahavas Hashem (love of G-d), but that doesn’t mean that I already am a baal chesed or an ohev Hashem . It means that I am heading in that direction.
You quote your daughter as saying that you can’t relate to the person she is aspiring to be. It is important to express to her that you do relate to who she is aspiring to be – but that you are also aware that she may not be there yet. When you can share your admiration for the beauty she is seeing in Eretz Yisrael among those who dedicate their lives to ruchnius (spiritual) pursuits, you will allay her initial concerns that you don’t relate to what she is saying. This is the main message to be sending her at this point. You want to be joining with her on the values that you do agree with and not make big issues out the differences – especially now. Making sure she understands that you respect her values and that you are not writing her off in your minds will help you maintain your close relationship with your daughter.
Let me take a moment to suggest some priorities in terms of dealing with a child who is doing something that causes a parent strong misgivings. (Obviously, stronger measures may be needed in situations of illegal activities or engaging in physical risk, but the principle remains the same.) The facts are that, generally, in order to influence someone who is a young adult or older, you must maintain a relationship with that person. If they don’t believe that you care about them, nothing you say will make an impact. Therefore, rather than talking about how to coerce your daughter into going to college, let us think how to be helpful to her from her perspective.
Your daughter wants to grow spiritually, and doesn’t really know what it is like to live as an adult with bills and responsibilities, etc. Believe it or not, she actually knows that she doesn’t know! But she needs you to respect her aspirations, or she won’t be able to admit that. As her supportive and loving parents, with whom she feels very secure, you can encourage her to find out more about her options. She can speak to her rav, and to wives who are working to support husbands who are learning. Encourage her to see what it is like and to try and understand how other people make these decisions. Simply engaging in that process should start to make her aware that things are not simple, and that will help her understand realistically what is involved in choosing not to go to college.
She should speak to teachers and find out what is involved in being a successful teacher. The desire to avoid college does not necessarily mean that one will have the talent and personality to teach. She can explore ways of attaining a degree in a frum environment. In Baltimore we have more than one seminary that offers Judaic and secular courses that work towards a Bachelor’s degree.
The hardest part of this will be to encourage her without having a hidden agenda. Naturally, you would feel more secure if she would just commit to going to PA school. But you need to accept where she is right now in order for her to accept your assistance in making this decision. Engage her in conversation about what she liked about her experience in Eretz Yisrael, and see if there are things that she herself is unsure about integrating into her life. The more receptive you are to her, the more open she will be. The less receptive you are, the more she will dig her heels in and continue to think that you just aren’t frum enough to understand her perspective.
Bottom line: You can’t know how this will play out until she gets back. Right now, it is vital to foster the relationship and to maintain the lines of communication. You can let her know that you will back her decision, as long as it’s well thought out. I wouldn’t get into details until she is here. At that point, gently suggest that she do her research, just as she would if she were dating someone, or even buying a car. You can do some groundwork by finding people in the above categories with whom she might be willing to speak.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and you feel she has not returned to her more natural way of being, and is still dangerously unrealistic about her future, then you need to address the issue more directly with a rav or competent therapist. Again, your cause for concern – that a major, life-altering decision will be made without a basis in reality – is valid. But her choices are not something you can dictate. To the degree that you keep this in focus, you will be a resource for your daughter, your concerns will be heard by her, and you will maintain a close connection with her.
I wish you much hatzlacha (success) in this delicate and vital task.
Yehuda Weisbord, a licensed counselor, is available for consultation and 
410-484-6604.
