I read between the lines of Becky’s seemingly innocent WhatsApp chat sent shortly after I arrived at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Stamford, Connecticut. It was the first time my fairly recently widowed former grad school roommate was attending the annual Samchainu and Nagilla international Shabbaton for almanos (widows). Knowing her hesitancy (I twisted her arm to attend!), I knew that, “U here yet? I’m in room 4058. You?” was a cry for help.
My suspicion was confirmed when I picked Becky up from her room to go downstairs for the buffet lunch. She confided that she was so overwhelmed by the sadness of seeing so many almanos together that all she wanted to do was stay in her room and read all Shabbos. I took my longtime friend under my wing and was thrilled when she admitted, before parting ways on Sunday, that she was uplifted by the experience and happy she came.
“Wave” Reviews
The theme of this twelfth Shabbaton was “Waves: Ki Nafalti, Kamti.” As a beach lover, the symbolism spoke to me. Just as waves rise and fall, tower and crash, so too, those challenged with widowhood experience “waves” throughout their lives – sometimes gentle and lapping, sometimes threatening to overwhelm, as the welcome booklet mentioned. In addition to meeting others from across the U.S. and around the world in the same “boat,” the custom-tailored lineup of speakers, workshops, and activities no doubt contributed to the positive review of the weekend shared by Becky and other hesitant first-timers.
Attendees relaxed and got chizuk from interacting in erev Shabbos craft activities, Israeli dancing, swimming, and pampering spa amenities. On Shabbos evening, roundtable discussions allowed participants to share their personal highs and lows. Shabbos speakers included Rabbi Yaakov Bender, Rabbi Yitzchak Feigenbaum, Rabbi Dovid and Mrs. Debbie Greenblatt, Rabbi Paysach Krohn, and Rabbi Nosson Muller, and concurrent panel sessions featured Baltimorean Rivka Leah Goldman, Silver Springer Stephanie Savir, and yours truly.
By the time Malkie Giniger performed at our lovely melava malka on motzei Shabbos, any towering life “waves” seemed surmountable. A passerby would not believe that some of these women who sang and danced the night away had lost their husbands as recently as weeks ago.
I had the pleasure of speaking to Shabbaton attendees who traveled from as far away as Antwerp, Belgium and some of the 19-woman delegation from Nismach Maryland [see sidebar]. They share their personal reflections of the weekend with Where What When readers.
Support for Almanos, Then and Now
Miriam Aronstein of Far Rockaway was widowed twice. The first time, in 1985, there was no support for almanos; she was struggling and no one reached out to help her. “I was like a mother duck with four little ducklings trailing behind me. My oldest child was eight, and my youngest was 15 months. I had to take care of them all by myself. Baruch Hashem, they all grew up wonderfully and are all married. I got remarried two-and-a-half years later, but my husband was niftar (died) in 2009. Samchainu was established by then; it was able to help me with my two other kids that I had in my second marriage, baruch Hashem.”
When Memphis native Ranelle Kibel started going to the Samchainu Shabbaton, over 10 years ago, the now-Baltimorean was living in Cincinnati. They treated her like a star, she says, because she had traveled the furthest. “I came not knowing anybody and was a little bit nervous at first, but I met a lot of people and there wasn’t a dull moment when I didn’t have someone to talk to. It was a real chizuk to me. My children were so happy that I did something for me.”
Tamar Greenberg, who was more recently widowed, has grown children and traveled from Miami Beach to attend. She remarked, “It’s been an amazing experience, a beautiful Shabbos with the most wonderful people. We were lavished with kindness and treated to the most uplifting speakers. The opportunity to connect with others who’ve been on a similar journey is truly comforting and strengthening.”
Tamar’s Shabbaton roommate, first-time Shabbatoner Sherri Zaslow of Baltimore, excitedly shared, “I am so blown away by this experience, and I am a hard sell. When I walked in on erev Shabbos, I was lonely and asked myself, what am I doing here? I am leaving now on a whole new madreiga (level) from the chizuk I gained. When you mix the power of Shabbos with the power of nearly 350 almanos, it connects everyone by this invisible thread.
“Since I lost my husband, I feel different from everyone else, but I don’t feel different here,” continues Sherri. “We don’t look different, but on the inside, we feel it. I know that people are looking at me in a different kind of way, and I am trying to make them feel comfortable, but meanwhile I’d like things to be more natural. The invisible thread we share takes away so much of that and seems to strengthen us all.”
Sherri adds, “Also, we don’t normally get the opportunity to mix with all types of frum women. There were chasidishe women, Lakewood women, Boro Park women, Baltimore women, Miami Beach women, and Cleveland women. It was unbelievable. I did not know what Samchainu was about until I got here, now I ‘get’ the goal of our local Nismach Maryland group, too. I’m motivated to help other cities to form Nismach groups as well. The two Chicago women at our table did not even know each other!”
The Main Take-Away
One Maryland attendee shared: “The Samchainu Shabbaton was like going to camp. There were lots of fun things to do, but the main takeaway was to see all these women from varied backgrounds in the same boat, and the thoughts and feelings expressed: Are you coping? Are you not coping? How are you coping? Am I doing the right things for my kids? It didn’t matter where they were from or who they were or how old they were. Our feelings were validated, because you can’t discuss our situation with someone who hasn’t gone through it. They don’t ‘get’ it. There is sympathy, but the empathy is missing.”
Janice D. Bennett, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist in New York, who has been an almana for two years, explained, “To have the freedom to talk about your late husband is very therapeutic. You don’t have to worry that what you say will get the person you are talking to all ‘weirded out’ because you are talking about someone who is gone, as might happen with my neighbors.
“Professionally, I see that being able to bond with other women who are in the same situation is empowering, validating, and strengthening,” Janice continues. “When you have numbers, you have more power to be able to go through life. Obviously, we have to reach within ourselves for our own power, our own strength to face and overcome our challenges, but to do it with other people is very psychologically strengthening, psychologically empowering; it really helps with the growth. I experienced the whole Shabbaton personally and professionally, and it was good all-around, although it could be challenging.”
Janice concludes, “It’s not overkill to say that we’ve all suffered some kind of trauma. Our lives changed upside down, whether it was a long illness or a sudden passing. Trauma has to go through a process of healing, alongside grieving and mourning. I think the Samchainu organization and all the women understand that, even if it’s not necessarily articulated. We understand implicitly that we have been traumatized to a certain extent; our lives changed drastically – some more drastically, more traumatically, than others.”
As Becky and I parted ways at the send-off breakfast, she mentioned, “I had a very nice time. I am not running out the door after eating breakfast as I thought I might be. I didn’t leave last night, either. I participated in everything and went to bed at 3 a.m. I would advise almanos to give it a try. It is quite an experience, and I got a lot of chizuk out of it. Although it made me sad to see so many almanos, what the speakers gave over to us and what I learned from the wonderful women in the same situation were invaluable lessons to bring home: take care of yourself; you are somebody in your own right; we were chosen to be in this situation; and, there is so much good in our lives. I think the focus was really on acknowledging not the negativity but all the brachos that Hashem showers us with in our lives.”
SIDEBAR #1
On My Own But Not Alone
The seeds for Ahava Ehrenpreis’ new ArtScroll book, On My Own…But Not Alone, were planted even before the author came to the Samchainu Shabbaton two years ago and began collecting personal stories for her theoretical book.
“One of the reasons I wrote this book is because I was so in the dark when I became widowed, and I wanted to prevent other women from having to reinvent the wheel,” explains Ahava.” The book is for everyone but is especially relevant for singles, divorcees, and widows. Reading about the challenges and triumphs of these heroines has to increase your emuna and bitachon.
“When I became widowed nine years ago, I thought I was so savvy because I paid the bills, but I wasn’t,” recalls Ahava. “I didn’t know about things like mortgage payments, insurance policies, and taxes, and made some very expensive mistakes. My accountant asked why I did those things, and I told him that you have to know how to ask. I didn’t know what to ask. I also didn’t know certain halachos. For example, could I make havdala for myself, having heard that it was questionable for women? I did not like having to “seek” out havdala! I finally asked a very reputable baal posek, who told me that women don’t generally make it, but if there is no man to do it, then I may.”
Ahava’s book is divided into sections, including stories about “Spiritual Sensitivity,” “Emotional Sensitivity,” “Halachic Sensitivity,” and “Day to Day Sensitivity,” each with an introduction by the author. Issues that women must deal with on their own are addressed by experts in the field. Rabbi Yaakov Bender, Rabbi Henoch Plotnik, Rebbetzin Leah Kohn, Aviva Feiner, and Esther Reisman address the hashkafic challenges that face the woman on her own, understanding her role in our very family-oriented society and coming to terms with a life far different than the one she once envisioned. Managing feelings of self-esteem and trying to accept with emunah – and even simcha – how to deal with a life that is not as we might have planned or chosen (as is true for so many people) is the focus of articles by recognized and renowned psychologists Dr. Norman Blumenthal and Dr. Perella Perlstein, and therapist Mrs. Esther Moskovitz, who deal with the psychological impact and provide coping mechanisms.
A frum lawyer, Louise Lipman, an expert in the field, offers guidelines and a checklist of issues and topics for married couples, as well as for singles, divorcees, or widows to protect themselves and their assets. Also, a financial planner, Mr. Alan Eisenstein, offers advice applicable to everyone, not only women on their own.
The answers to questions such as “I am eating at my friend’s home on Friday night; where should I light candles? Do I need to buy my own lulav and esrog?” are discussed by recognized poskim, including Rabbi Doniel Neustadt, providing a reference point for so many of these issues, though the author stresses that everyone needs a Rav to deal with individual questions. A basic guide for each Yom Tov will prove helpful to any woman, whatever her status.
SIDEBAR #2
Nismach Maryland Is Born
When Silver Springer Stephanie Savir found Samchainu, she describes it as being like someone throwing her a life preserver. Through Samchainu, she met the most wonderful, understanding friends who “got” her.
“Samchainu reminded me that I’m here to live, to enjoy life, to continue on in a new way,” says Stephanie. “I feel that Samchainu gave me back my chiyus (vitality) after the shocking and devastating loss of my husband.” Stephanie found herself traveling to New York or New Jersey to participate in Samchainu events two or three times a year, and she wanted more than that. She invited a few local widowed friends to join her in creating events in Silver Spring; a few Baltimore friends began attending, too. With its kickoff Sunday brunch event in Baltimore last November, the local Samchainu branch, Nismach Maryland, was born. “I have much hakaras hatov to Yad Yehuda of Greater Washington and its generous donors for supporting and underwriting the Nismach Maryland events,” says Stephanie.
Stephanie, now the local organization’s coordinator, notes that there was obviously a huge need for this group, as it started out three years ago with 15 members and now has over 100. “Nismach is a group for friendship and connections among widowed women,” explains Stephanie. “Even with a range of ages and life circumstances in our group, we share many similar challenges. When we get together for art parties, luncheons, speakers, or other fun activities, the conversations naturally flow to what we have in common as widows. Just knowing that someone else understands our challenges is a tremendous source of support.”
Concludes Stephanie, “The chizuk we get from personal connections is amazing! We are so grateful to Hakodesh Baruch Hu (G-d) for connecting us in friendship as we go through the journey of widowhood together.”
