Finding a suitable shidduch is difficult for everyone. How much more difficult is it for people who have some kind of health problem?!
Miriam, a young woman who survived
an ordeal with cancer, wanted to move on in life and start dating. “I had just
finished treatment for an aggressive cancer,” she says, “and was considered
cured. But since everything was still quite recent, finding a shidduch seemed very unlikely.”
In the secular world,
couples meet naturally at events, at work, or in school, and the two sides get
to know each other before finding out about health problems (or they can see
the problems with their own eyes). In the frum
dating system, people tend to be names on a piece of paper with lists of
references. It is thus very hard or nearly impossible for someone with a
genetic, mental, or physical disability to be given a chance. If a prospective shidduch is just a name, why not choose
to go out with a person who does not have a known problem?
Fortunately, there
are shadchanim whose mission it is to
facilitate such people’s finding their match. I had the privilege of talking to
such a shadchan for “sensitive shidduchim”: Mrs. Chava Most, of
Lakewood. Her clientele comprise individuals who have an issue that makes it
difficult to find a spouse.
Miriam went to see
Mrs. Most. “She met with me and immediately began calling my mother with
suggestions,” says Miriam. “She gave us hope. My mother and I found her
accessible, helpful, and sensitive. She was never too busy to help us
navigate suggestions and questions that came up along the way. She helped me
meet my husband, and she actually came to our wedding. She was the right shaliach to lead to where I am
today.”
Mrs. Most was kind
enough to share her thoughts and expertise on this vital topic.
* * *
Where What
When: Who comes to you for help in finding a spouse?
Chava Most: “I have dealt with individuals across the
spectrum: modern Orthodox, Lubavitch, yeshivish, chasidim, and anything in-between. Not everyone who contacts me has
a medical issue. They may have been sick many years ago and are perfectly
healthy now, or they may have a fertility or genetic issue. They may have
siblings or a parent with a physical or health issue. Or perhaps they have had other
life experiences that have changed, molded, or matured them, and made them open
to looking into a shidduch that at
first glance looks imperfect.
Everyone is
seeking that perfect shidduch, one
that will wow their friends and neighbors. But no one is perfect. We all have
our issues. The biggest “syndrome” affecting everyone is, “Ma yomru habriyos! What will people think?” However, what people
may think isn’t going to get you the spouse who is perfect for you. Once the
initial excitement is over, you are on your own, working on making a
relationship that will last forever. It is the honesty of the individuals and
their parents that encourages them to approach me and say, “I’m not perfect,
but I’m seeking a shidduch that will
be perfect for me and my situation.”
Through my
experiences with siyata d’Shamaya, and
after hadracha (guidance) from many rabbanim and doctors, I have developed a
method to deal with the various medical and sensitive situations that cross my
path.
WWW: How does your approach in dealing with sensitive shidduchim
differ from that of regular shidduchim?
CM: The conventional approach for most people
is to pursue regular shidduchim and then
disclose any pertinent medical issues only after three or four dates. For many,
this approach works fine, and they find a prospective spouse who, for whatever
reason, agrees to their issue.
However, many
individuals face rejection time and time again. Or, as I’ve heard multiple
times, people are so nervous to divulge their secret after a certain number of
dates that they can’t date in a relaxed manner, and they mess up before even
getting to the point of revealing their issue. Singles often tell me about the
many rejections they have gone though, only to feel burnt out after several
years.
Those individuals
with obvious physical issues don’t always have the option to date and discuss
their issues after three dates, as they have trouble even getting a date. They
watch their friends date and get married, while they are left behind. The same
scenario might occur with someone who has a messy family situation or someone
who went through a medical saga like cancer. Shidduch suggestions just don’t come their way, and they are
seeking matches with those who have been through something themselves.
WWW: What is behind the idea of revealing problems at the third or fourth
date?
CM: Rabbanim across the
spectrum are guiding most individuals with a current or past medical history to
begin dating and only bring up their issue when they see that the shidduch
has potential. When someone hears dry medical facts, their initial response
will be that: dry and flat. However, if they have already met the person and
taken a liking to the individual, and then hear something medical, it becomes a
whole different story. It’s not just about the medical facts. It’s also about
seeing how the individual has dealt with their situation, how they view
themselves, and how they have grown from their challenge. None of that can be known
until one is face to face with the individual.
I also spend time
fielding calls from regular families who are in the middle of a shidduch
and hear that the girl or boy their child is dating has such and such a
problem. What should they do?! Hashem is the ultimate Shadchan, and, b”H, there have been many such cases
where a completely healthy individual has married someone with a health issue.
WWW: What approach do you use?
CM: My motto is I match people, not problems. In
order to foster trust and truly get to know the person, I endeavor to meet
everyone who contacts me. This also shows a seriousness on their end. I don’t
just meet people for five or ten minutes. It’s normally closer to 45 minutes,
often longer. Typically, when I meet someone, I have already had a discussion
with the parents or the individuals themselves over the phone. I really try and
get to know the person as best as I can. I have a candid discussion with them
about their situation and what types of shidduchim
they would entertain. Everyone has their red lines. Everyone has their own life
experiences which determine which issues they are open to and which they
aren’t. Some people seek to find a spouse who shares a similar issue. Others
prefer the opposite. It’s also a fact that various medical issues are viewed
from a different perspective in different countries! My job is to try and learn
about the person and to respect where they are coming from.
Confidentiality is
crucial as well. I learned this from my father, who is a doctor in Manchester,
England. Concern for confidentiality starts with the initial introduction and
spans the entire process all the way to an engagement and beyond. People are
worried that if I make their shidduch
everyone will know that there was an issue – to which I respond that, when we
reach the finishing line, be”H, if we
need to, we will make up a story and attribute the shidduch to a rav or relative, who will shoulder the
title.
WWW: Do you tell all the facts of the situation before the couple meets?
CM: There are shadchanim who will suggest a match that way: “I have a boy for
you. He was diagnosed with leukemia 10 years ago,” and they go into great
detail about his medical situation without
disclosing his identity. I don’t do that. Since my main objective is for the shidduch to be a match between
personalities, middos, hashkafa and families, I suggest a shidduch with a real name and profile,
without discussing the sensitive aspect yet. I want the person to look into my
idea, to view it like a regular shidduch
and to see whether the basics of family, middos, and hashkafa are in line with what they are seeking.
Another advantage
to this approach is protecting people’s confidentiality. We are only sharing
medical information with the other side after
we see the potential in the shidduch.
This ensures that fewer people are privy to this highly confidential
information; everyone has more confidence when they know exactly with whom they
are sharing their information. The boundaries of confidentiality may change if
someone has a situation that is public or obvious. Hence, I will mention such
to the other side but reserve the right to withhold private information like
medication and specific details until the shidduch
has reached a more developed stage.
WWW: When do you go into the details?
CM: Once a couple gets to three or four dates
and potential is apparent, it’s time to exchange medical information. We create
an approach unique to each couple. Generally, I start the process by outlining
to each side the general medical history. This may be followed with exchanging
of medical letters or records. Sometimes parents wish to talk directly to the
other set of parents. And eventually, in most cases, the couple will discuss
their conditions and experiences with each other. Arranging phone consults with
medical professionals is time consuming and taxing on those involved. HIPPA
forms have to be completed, and schedules have to be aligned. We never want
anyone to bother their doctors unnecessarily, so we involve doctors only after
a shidduch has reached this stage.
Every match that
occurs in the general population is also a product of multiple pieces that are
put together to complete the picture. If people get introduced and get excited
over the other person, they may decide to disregard a piece in the puzzle that
is not so ideal. But the shidduch goes ahead based on the overall
positive picture and factors surrounding it.
WWW: How do you decide which person would be a good shidduch for
another person?
CM: It’s impossible for anyone to take
different medical situations, weigh them on a scale and exclaim, “Bingo, here
we have a perfectly balanced shidduch.”
It’s the entire picture that has to be balanced out, not just the medical
facts. That being said, I do try hard to match up issues that make sense.
Someone with a minor treatable chronic problem will not typically entertain a shidduch with someone who has a
progressive illness or someone with an expected short life span. A comment I
hear often from those who have hidden medical challenges is that they don’t
want to take someone with an open physical disability. I’m not here to
determine whether they are right or wrong; my job is to understand the person
and respect their views. It’s actually interesting to note that I rarely have a
shidduch that falls apart due to
medical reasons. Most dating couples decide not to continue due to personality
or hashkafos not matching exactly. Perhaps only twice a year do I
actually have a case where the couple dates three or four times, exchanges
medical information, and then stops the shidduch due to medical
incompatibility.
WWW: Do you ever doubt yourself?
CM: There have been occasions where I was
unsure about the “balance” of the two issues and concerned whether I was asking
one side to compromise too much. In such cases, I discussed the case without
any names with the rav representing
the other side. Once the rav agreed
that the shidduch had merit, I redt it like any other shidduch and allowed it to proceed to
three dates. The medical issues were then discussed, and the rav was consulted. In both cases, b”H, the shidduch went ahead to a successful match. I had the confidence to
do that because I knew in advance that the rav
thought it was a good idea.
Interestingly,
I’ve heard time and time again from individuals that having gone through a
certain challenge has matured them and made them more sensitive. They have told
me that they would actually prefer
marrying someone who has also been though something. This common thread creates
a bond and understanding that makes their relationship very real. It also gives
the marriage balance – where neither side feels that they “settled” for an
issue that they didn’t really imagine themselves taking on.
WWW: Are you knowledgeable about the medical issues?
CM: I do get involved on the medical end. Many
new tests have been developed over recent years, and many new syndromes
discovered. B”H, there is so much
available, and getting the right diagnosis can be very helpful for the person’s
own health and the health of their future children. There are methods available
today that were not available 20 years ago to prevent passing on conditions. I
spend a lot of time educating people that there is no downside to getting
genetic testing done. If the tests come back with nothing, then you are back to
where you started. And if you test positive for something, you are armed with
information that can help you or your future children. I’m not here to pasken whether people should or
shouldn’t be doing PGD (preimplantation genetic diagnosis done together with
IVF) to ensure that their children don’t get something; but I do know many
families who, after having multiple grandchildren born with developmental
delays, heart, or other issues, are so happy that PGD is available and an
option for their children.
The same applies to
fertility testing. People ask whether going for testing will help or hinder the
shidduch process. My first response
is that it’s crucial that they consult with a rav who is up to date with this topic. There are newer methods available
which are not contrary to halacha. Testing doesn’t make finding a shidduch more challenging. It just helps
us figure out what shidduch would be
suitable.
WWW: What are the roles of Dor Yeshorim,
doctors, and rabbanim when it comes
to genetic testing?
CM: In addition to their standard tests, Dor
Yesharim has developed a few specialized tests for recessive disorders that are
available upon request for those who know that there is a specific gene in
their family. Testing is important because, many families don’t understand the
scope of their own medical situation. They may know they have a certain
condition but have no idea that their issue is dominant and they have a 50%
chance of passing it on to their children!
Sometimes, doctors
are wary of referring someone to a genetic counselor, or they don’t spell out
the details of the condition for fear of hurting or upsetting the patient. Especially
in a case where parents have a child with a specific genetic condition, it is
important to do the testing in order to avoid its occurrence in a subsequent
child. As far as consulting with a rav, some
rabbanim are more knowledgeable in
these areas than others, and it is crucial to do the research and find one who
is.
WWW: How should references respond when asked about a person with a medical
problem?
CM: I coach people in how to deal with
references in the shidduch process.
Unfortunately, in today’s generation, people sometimes talk more than necessary,
and many a shidduch has been derailed
when well-meaning relatives or references conveyed the wrong medical facts, or
gave information prematurely in the process. I’ll give you two examples that
happened with me:
Mrs. B called a
reference listed as an aunt on Dassy’s profile. Dassy had a medical issue. Her
aunt told Mrs. B that she didn’t know who Dassy was! When Mrs. B reminded her
that it was her own niece, she fumbled and told Mrs. B to call Dassy’s mother
to discuss her issues and suitability to marry! I had met Dassy and her mother
myself, and it was clear that she was ready to start shidduchim. If the aunt felt otherwise, she should have at least
had the seichel (sense) to inform Mrs.
B that she couldn’t talk at that moment and clarified things with her niece
before answering any questions. Instead, she planted a big red flag in front of
Mrs. B, who was now extremely hesitant to proceed further.
Sholom was a bachur who had a virus that affected his
kidneys several years ago. B”H, he is
completely healthy today, but people remembered the incident as he had taken
medication which had caused some side effects that were obvious to those around
him. One well-meaning reference told those who called about Sholom that he had
kidney failure! This fact was a clear deviation from the truth and was causing
people to look away from a completely healthy boy without even giving him a
chance.
I can share many
such incidents; the lesson learned from each is the same: Medical information
should not be offered or shared by well-meaning relatives, or friends. Medical
information should only go through the shadchan
(if she has experience and is knowledgeable) or directly via parents or the
individuals involved. Of course, everything should be clarified and checked
with a medical professional and/or a rav as
well. References will often embellish or interpret the medical facts as they
see fit. They may suggest that certain conditions are genetic, which may be
correct or may be incorrect. Either way, they are missing the overall genetic
knowledge, testing, and solutions to explain to the other side why, even if it is
genetic, there is still no reason to shy away from the shidduch.
Halachically,
people are actually never allowed to offer any medical or sensitive information
unless they are asked directly. If you are privy to such information, you need
to discuss and decide how you will respond before you get the phone call. I
actually advise people to respond to such questions by saying something like,
“If she has anything to reveal, I know that she would prefer discussing it
directly with the boy.”
Mrs. Chava Most is a discreet and
confidential shadchan specializing in issues relating to genetic, fertility, physical, and other health conditions as well
as other sensitive non-medical issues. To reach her, email sensitiveshidduchim@gmail.com
or call or text 612-888-7908. Fax: 732-226-8979.
