Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
My husband says Shabbos is a time to relax, and one of the ways he likes to relax is through drinking. He never drinks during the week, but on Friday night, the wine is plentiful, with a few bottles on table. Of course, he takes a shot of whiskey between the fish and the soup. On Shabbos morning, there is kiddush in shul, even though the shul is supposedly trying to become liquor free. On the way home, my husband might stop at a few friends’ homes, accepting a shot at each.
I hate drinking. Mostly, I’m concerned about our children. My husband can handle his drink. He is not abusive or even truly drunk. But how do I know whether my children will tolerate alcohol? I have a cousin who is an alcoholic; maybe there is such a tendency on my side of the family. The boys are teenagers, and they are already starting. They get a drink at their rebbes’ homes on Friday night, and of course there is lots of liquor at our house.
I don’t want this to be our way of life, but to my husband the subject is closed. I have tried to discuss it many times, but he just says, “Stay out of it,” which is not his usual response to me. I think if he would change shuls, maybe he would change friends. How can I get him to do this? Please don’t tell me to go to a rav. He will not go and will not listen. I need guidance in how to deal with this in my own four corners.
Distressed
Dear Distressed,
Your letter is full of anxiety, and I can’t say I blame you. Let’s try to approach this with reason. You say, “Don’t tell me to go a rav.” No, I’m not telling you to go to a rav to get your husband to stop drinking. I’m telling you to go for yourself. You say you need guidance in how to deal with this. Since your husband says, “Stay out of it,” you can do that. But you certainly can approach your rav to advise you in bringing about the changes you want. You can also speak to the rav about drinking in the shul. Apparently, it is trying to become liquor free. Does this mean they have discussed not having liquor out at kiddushim? Perhaps your input would help bring about such a policy change.
There are other people to whom you could write or speak for guidance. One of those, of course, is Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, who is a renowned expert on alcohol and addiction. The phone number of his Gateways treatment facility in Pittsburgh is 800-472-1177. You could also call the JACS organization in Baltimore for Jewish alcoholism and addiction: POB 15016, 21282-5016; 410-358-1444. Or try Jewish Community Services’ addiction service: 410-466-9200. I’m sure that with a little networking, you can find people in the community who have not only dealt with this in the past but are dealing with it now. You may be able to get together with them and see what can be done. There is strength in reaching out to others. It’s not a cure or a solution, but it will at least give you ammunition to deal with it “in my own four corners.”
I don’t think changing shuls is the answer. He can always find new friends who are doing something similar. The important thing is not to sweep this under the rug. That can affect the very fabric of your marriage. But since your husband refuses to discuss it, put your energies into strengthening yourself with knowledge. I feel that any knowledge you can acquire about alcohol addiction will be of immense help to you. You say your husband can “handle” it. That may be true now, but you never know where it can go. So, get all the information you can – from professionals.
Many people feel that it is inappropriate to address this topic in a public forum, and I could not agree with them more. However, it has reached a stage that even youngsters are involved in this habit. With your boys, the one thing you can do is make them aware of the terrible things that can result from drinking.
Finally, don’t forget the good time-honored way of tehilim, which has healed and sustained us for a very long time. In the saying of tehilim, we have to be mispalel (pray) not only for the thing itself to be resolved but also that Hakadosh Baruch Hu (G-d) give us the right words to soothe and heal. You want to be there as a support for your husband, which is a very difficult thing to do when he is so emphatic on not discussing it. May Hakadosh Baruch Hu send you in the right direction, so that you can free your home of this scourge – for that’s what it is.
Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
My wife and I got married a little later in life. We’re very happy, and we have two young children. Lately, my wife is complaining more and more that I’m away from home too much. She’s at home all day with the kids. I have a very demanding job that requires me to put in long hours.
I recently got a job offer that would allow me to keep more regular hours but pays less. My wife wants me to take it. She says life is about spending time together. I feel we spend quality time together on Shabbos, and I’m afraid that once we are not able to afford the extras we’ve become accustomed to, she will not like it. She says she doesn’t need the extras; I say she is fooling herself. I know that many homes are stressed about money, and couples argue if there is not enough. That could happen to us, too.
I suggested that she work part time to make up the difference, but she won’t consider that. She waited so long to be a mother and doesn’t want to farm her children out to someone else to take care of. She thinks that if we need more money, we should use the savings that we both accumulated during the many years we were single. I think we should not touch the savings, because we might need money down the road for tuition, weddings, and even our retirement.
I am looking for some criteria to help us decide how to resolve this issue.
Responsible Husband
Dear Responsible Husband,
There is no right or wrong here. Two people can have different ways of looking at things. Each of you comes to the situation with your own preferences and limitations. The first thing that stands out in my mind is that you and your wife have to communicate. When you can talk about it, you can get to the facts and the feelings: “Can we handle this, and how will it affect us?” This will put a realistic stamp on the situation.
Why not sit down and write down all the pros and cons of your current job and the new job. Then, I would do an experiment. Say to your wife, “Okay, let’s try living within the new job’s salary from Rosh Hashana until Pesach, or, if that’s too long, from Rosh Hashana until Chanukah. Let’s see if we can do it.” At end of that time, look at the results. Is it feasible? Can we both handle it? Did it cause tensions or create other problems?” I don’t think you can really know what to decide without living that way.
The important thing is not get embroiled in a power struggle. Remember, there two children in the mix, not just you and your wife. Stay focused on what’s best for us, as a family. I think this should help you in coming to realistic conclusion.
Kesiva bechasima tova. May you have a good year and a healthy one, where all issues can be resolved by facing them and finding answers.
