Dear Dr. Weisbord,
My daughter, who lives out of town, had a baby recently, and I went to help. I watched her three little boys for many hours. It was the first time I was left alone with them. My oldest grandchild, whom I find difficult to handle, was very chutzpadik to me, fought with his siblings, and did not listen to anything I said.
It happens that the birthdays of all three children were next month. I told him that I would be giving a present to his brothers but not to him because he was misbehaving. This threat did not help, and he continued to misbehave.
I bought birthday presents for the other children and mailed them, but I did not buy one for him. Perhaps I should not have made the threat, but since I did, I felt I had to follow through. Do you think I handled this situation properly? Was I too harsh? Did I overstep my bounds as a grandmother in being the disciplinarian?
In the aftermath of this incident, I am also trying to figure out what my relationship with my grandchildren should be, especially when I am left in charge. How can I be the loving bubby in my grandchildren’s minds?
Needs Bubby Lessons
Dear Needs Bubby Lessons:
Something tells me we could all use bubby lessons, especially for circumstances like the one you described! Among the many pluses of being a grandparent is that we get to be the person in children’s lives who can almost always say yes. Unlike parents, who have to balance the needs of the entire family, the schedules, and the rules, our task is to love our grandchildren without having to discipline them. I see this symbolically in dealing with a very young child: We play with them, then hand them over when the diaper needs changing!
All this is fine, until we’re suddenly put in charge of the crew. Now there’s more to the job description, and it’s easy to get lost in the chaos of children’s behavior, misbehavior, wants, needs, tears, and demands. It feels like the all-positive, always-smiling bubby is gone and some “parental figure” has taken her place. One way to avoid this unwanted transformation is to check with the children’s mother or father or both. Ask for guidelines in terms of what you can ignore. For example, maybe they’re usually allowed 15 minutes a night on one of their devices; if the parents are away or there are special circumstances, such as a new baby, is it okay to give extra time? Is it all right if they stay up a bit later? And most of all, what do you, the parents, want me, the grandparent, to do if they don’t follow instructions?
Remember: We are the repository of family of history, of how things were in the “olden days” – at least a hundred years ago, of course – and of all the love and care we can find in our hearts. We’re not the disciplinarians, even if we sometimes have to state the rules. So when your sweetie blissfully ignores your cajoling and threats and even acts chutzpadik to you, you can’t do much more that get hold of yourself and say, gently, “Oooh, I feel really sad when you talk (or act) that way.” Your grandson might be so shocked at your calm approach that he’ll settle down in spite of himself. Parenthetically, with strong-willed children, a threat is about the least effective approach and may even serve as an invitation to increase the negative behavior.
Bubbies are for saying yes as often as possible, for davening for our grandchildren as we watch our children – sometimes with pride, sometimes with horror – go about raising their own children. (I have a special perek Tehilim just for my grandchildren, with certain ones added when a particular grandchild is dealing with life challenges.) Bubbies are for bridging the generation gap between parents and children, for always offering acceptance and love, especially when a child least deserves it.
Now that your grandson didn’t receive a birthday present, what can you do? I think you can let go of this incident and focus on making sure he knows you love him. He’s the one you struggle with, so maybe your first task is to think of anything and everything positive about him. Are there times when he’s helpful or kind? Are there certain abilities or talents that he has? Catch him being wonderful next time you visit and maybe send him a note mentioning something positive. You don’t need to worry that the other grandchildren will be jealous. You can send any of them a spontaneous, loving note – just start with him.
The bigger question is can you accept him as he is? Maybe he needs to be dealt with in a different way than your other children and grandchildren. Is that okay with you? When you think about him or see him in action, are you wishing he’d be different? Are you comparing him to his siblings or to how you were at his age? Many times, the kind of behavior you’ve described increases as the negatives from parents, grandparents, teachers, and society at large come flowing in, a constant stream of negativity to a child who is clearly asking for love and acceptance.
Your last question is something every grandparent would do well to consider: How can we be the loving bubbies and zaidies in the lives of our grandchildren? Telling family stories creates a bond between the generations and helps grandchildren feel they have strong roots. Start trading riddles with each other. Make a big deal about special occasions even if you can’t be there (siddur party, first Chumash, etc.), and see if someone will send you a video of the event. Then you can comment on it and highlight your happiness for your grandchild’s progress. Most of all, be a loving presence in their lives, someone they can always feel comfortable with, secure in the knowledge that you love and accept each one for the unique individual he or she is. And remember to enjoy this incredible gift that Hashem has bestowed upon you: the years to see the next generation and the love that reaches across those years.
