Do you know any
Bais Yaakov girls today who would marry a boxer? How about a soldier? And do
you know any young man who is worried that his perspective date is not really shomer Shabbos? All these scenarios are
very unlikely! But it wasn’t always that way. In previous generations, it was sometimes
hard to find a religious person to marry.
In the book, Lieutenant Birnbaum (ArtScroll), the author, Meyer
Birnbaum, describes the marriage of his parents. His mother had come from
Europe in the early 1900s and was very religious. She had a hard time finding a
frum man to marry. She was already 30 when she met his father. Here is
how their first meeting was described in the book:
“My father was
five or six years younger than my mother. At the time they met, he was an
amateur boxer and worked delivering bread for a bakery. One of the bakery’s
customers was my uncle’s restaurant, so my father would come in several times a
week. He took a shine to my mother (who worked in the restaurant), but she had
no interest in him because he was too American and had virtually no Jewish
education.” In the end, the couple was happily married for more than 60 years.
After agreeing to keep the basic laws of a Jewish home, his father eventually
became a baal teshuva.
In another book, Rav Kulefsky (ArtScroll) about Rabbi Yaakov Moshe Kulefsky, zt”l, by Rabbi Yechiel Spero, the author
describes how Rabbi Gartenhaus, Mrs. Kulefsky’s father, chose him for her.
Rabbi Kulefsky was a soldier, but he also loved learning. Rabbi Gartenhaus was
intrigued by the soldier in full uniform in the bookstore, who was looking
through sefarim on complex areas of Torah. “He subsequently approached
the soldier to ‘talk in learning’ and see if he was learning from those sefarim.
Rabbi Gartenhaus was quite impressed with the young man. It was obvious that he
was a budding talmid chacham. Rav
Gartenhaus did some investigating, liked what he heard, and eventually offered
his daughter, Sarah, to Yaakov Moshe Kulefsky as a wife.
The classic All
for the Boss (Feldheim), by Ruchama Shain, describes the great lengths to
which her father, Rabbi Herman, went to make sure the girl who was being
suggested for him was truly religious. Mrs. Shain writes: “In order for Papa to
be convinced that the girl was a strict Sabbath observer, he arranged his
visits for Friday night, even though it meant walking great distances to the
girl’s home…. On one occasion, Papa noticed the girl placing the tea kettle
from the table back onto the stove (which is forbidden on Shabbos). Papa stood
up an announced, ‘It seems that the shadchan
gave me the wrong address,’ and out he stalked.” In the end, Rabbi Herman found
a wonderful frum girl to marry.
Shadchanim
Today we live in a
different world. We worry about different things. Many of the girls who have a Bais Yaakov
education want to marry a boy who is learning in yeshiva, and there are many
young men learning in yeshiva to choose from. I spoke to a shadchan in Baltimore who works to find matches for the young
people of our community.
Penina* is very
busy meeting boys and girls, and we spoke for only a short time, but she told
me a lot of interesting things: “It is much easier to be the mother of the girl
than the mother of the boy,” she said. “It is harder for a girl to get a date,
but a boy’s mother is often overwhelmed with resumes. It can be embarrassing to
go out in public and meet the people who have sent you resumes and to whom you
haven’t given an answer yet or have given a negative answer. And it is very
hard to make decisions when all the girls sound the same on their resumes.
“On the other
hand,” Penina added, “once the boy and girl go on a date, it is more often the
girl than the boy who says no. Boys look from the outside in, while girls are
more focused on the inside out. They cannot get past first base in the dating process
until they are confident they can respect the boy.”
Penina also told
me her opinion about pictures. “I do not provide pictures for my own children,
and I do not ask for pictures, but I understand why mothers ask for them. It
helps mothers narrow their choices and feel more confident in their decisions.
But people should realize that pictures do not tell the whole story. Many
times, girls have much more chen (charm) in real life than in a picture.
The picture does not do them justice even if they spent a lot of money getting
ready for the picture! I asked whether she ever gets requests for pictures of
boys. “Very rarely,” says Penina. “I think it happened twice that a girl said,
‘I will send him a picture of me if he sends me a picture of himself.’”
I asked Penina
about how she deals with the question of how long the boy intends to learn.
After all, no one knows how things will work out. She said, “I ask them what
their dream is. What do they hope for and what is their ideal. I find that
people who are focused on the goal of learning Torah and not on the practical
details are more likely to stay in kollel longer. It is the dreamers who can
overcome inevitable obstacles.”
* * *
Miri,* another shadchan, had a lot of advice: “Just
because your child is a certain age and has passed various milestones does not
mean that he or she should start going out. The parents must be sure that the
child is ready. They should ask themselves: Is he mature enough to handle a
relationship? Is she mature enough to be a parent? Do they have the skills and middos to be in a serious relationship, to give to others and care
for another person?”
According
to Miri, once a decision is made to start dating, the parents should sit down
with the child and discuss what they want in a spouse. Together, they should be
able to come up with a list of 10 to 15 things that are important to them. A good idea might be to think about their close friends
and what their attributes are. What do they respect, admire, and enjoy about
them?
Once
a date is suggested, parents must spend a lot of time doing research. “Don’t assume that there is no point in calling the
people listed on the resume,” says Miri. “Call them all and listen carefully to
what they say. Don’t ask a lot of questions at first. Rather, let the person
talk. You can pick up tone and nuance and where the person who is speaking is
coming from. What are the middos and
attributes they are sharing to describe the person? Ask for examples so you
have practical information about what is being said. Then, don’t be afraid to
ask pointed questions. Notice
omissions. If a girl went to seminary but doesn’t give any of her teachers as
references, that is something to be checked into. Some people think they only
have to give information if they are asked specifically, so it might be a good
idea to ask a question at the end, like, “Is there anything that I should know that I did not ask about?”
* * *
I spoke to Rivka,*
a shadchan who mostly works with older
singles. “There is a big difference between dating in your 20s and in your 30s
and 40s.” she says. “Norms that
apply to younger people do not necessarily apply to older people (although
there are no hard-and-fast “rules” for any age!). An older person is more
settled and may not be ready to make quick decisions. They should be given the
space and the time to date as long as they need to and should not feel
pressured to decide by a certain time.
“Norms can be bent in order to make a shidduch happen,” Rivka continues. “Once,
I was mentoring a couple who had been dating for a while and who were ready to
get engaged. Something was stopping them. Finally, I understood from the girl
that she was afraid of all the hullabaloo that would take place when the
announcement was made. That was a problem easily solved. I suggested that they
get engaged and keep it a secret for a couple of weeks. Then when they were
ready and more comfortable, they could tell others. Older people need the space
to do what works for them. I often suggest that older couples just go out for
coffee one time without a whole big official date.”
Rivka finds it
strange when parents call up and ask questions about perspective shidduchim for their children when their
children are fully grown-up. “Certainly, the questions that are being asked
should be different,” she says. “How much does it matter what the father does
for a living, when the person you are asking about is already 40 years old? Similarly,
you are not going to be asking about the person’s future employment plans
because the future has already happened. Besides, a person who is past a
certain age should be making his or her own decisions and not relying on
somebody else to make phone calls for them.”
Paying the Shadchan
While doing
research for this article I came across a book, called Shadchanus in Halacha
by Rabbi Shlomie Dickman. It seems that paying shadchanim for their services is so important that it requires a
whole book to discuss the intricacies. The author explains in the introduction
that money received for making a shidduch is “kosher gelt, because it is earned in a most righteous occupation.” The
first shadchan was Hashem, Who made
the shidduch between Adam and Chava.
He also writes, “Paying for shadchanus is a wonderful segulah for
the success of the shidduch. On the
other hand, failure to fulfill one’s obligation of shadchanus can have
terrible repercussions and cause a lack of shalom bayis in the new
couple’s home, or even cause them to go childless.” The book goes on to
describe some scenarios and what the halacha would be. Here is one:
A very successful shadchan, Sam,* had a daughter, and he
was having difficulty finding a suitable match for her. A person, let’s call him
Dovid,* called Sam and asked him to suggest a particular boy for his daughter.
Dovid went into detail describing the boy he was interested in. When Sam heard
about the boy, he thought he would be great for his own daughter. He told Dovid
that for personal reasons he couldn’t work on this idea for Dovid’s daughter.
Sam immediately started working on the idea for his daughter, and they
eventually got engaged! Sam suggested a different boy to Dovid’s daughter, and
they also got engaged. Now, does Sam have to pay Dovid for the idea, or should
the two shidduchim cancel each other
out? (No, Sam does not have to pay Dovid for the suggestion because when Dovid
called Sam, he was not calling for Sam’s benefit but for his own. But it would
be nice for Sam to buy Dovid a gift to show his hakaras hatov.)
Miri suggests that the parents and chassan and kallah call and thank the shadchan the day they get engaged. The shadchan just spent many hours and tremendous efforts in helping to
make this simcha. The hakaros hatov (appreciation)
is important. It is also a good idea to ask the shadchan how much he or she expects to get paid. Just as prices
have gone up for other services, shadchanim also expect to be paid more.
Even if a shidduch was unsuccessful,
it is proper to give a gift to the shadchan.
No one knows how much time a shadchan
spent much time working on a shidduch.
Middos Revealed
Preparing for a
date is nerve racking; everyone wants to appear thoughtful and kind (even if
they are not!). After all, everyone knows that the most important attribute is
good middos! The question is what
will make you appear thoughtful and kind? Young men talk with their friends,
and the young women talk with theirs. There are all kinds of ideas and
suggestions thrown out as everyone tries to make a good impression.
One young man said
that he needed to have a straw in the car for the first date. His friends had
told him: “You must bring two water bottles on the date, one for you and one
for her, but she won’t want to get her lipstick on the bottle. Therefore, a
thoughtful young man will bring a straw for her.” I repeated this idea to
different people, and they both knew about the necessity of a straw, so I guess
this must be a very important rule.
Tamar, who dated
many years ago, was told by her friends how to act when the young man opened
the car door for her. Once she was seated in the car and he was walking to the
other side to get into the driver’s side, she should reach over and unlock the
door. That would show that she was kind and thoughtful!
A young man,
Yitzchok, said that, although he was told that he must open the car door for
the girl, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. “It just seemed so weird,” he
said, “and I wasn’t sure how tzniusidik it was. Later, my idealistic
wife told me that she wouldn’t have married me if I had opened the car door for
her. She thought that it was not a Jewish way of doing things. In her opinion,
opening the door for the girl is copying a secular idea that women should
always go first.”
Sometimes, a good
impression is made by doing something a little unexpected, something that is
not the norm. That shows genuine thoughtfulness! One boy, just home from
learning in Israel, was dating his first girl. He was not familiar with the
dating venues in Baltimore and was very stressed out about finding somewhere to
go on each date. The girl he was dating had been on many dates. As soon as she
noticed what a toll this was taking on him, she offered to plan their future
dates. Even though it is the boy’s “job” to plan the dates, she was thoughtful
enough to realize that it would be better for her to do it.
“If a girl is traveling to a boy with
her own car, why can’t she send a message to the boy that she’d be happy to let
him use her car for the date?” says Penina. “Most often, the boys are renting a
car. There is so much investment of time (securing and picking up the car) and money.
Many people stand on ceremony, insisting that it’s the way it has to be.
Why?”
Penina also suggests that, when
the boy travels to the girl, it would be basic mentchlichkeit to send him a message through the shadchan that her family would be happy
to arrange accommodations and lend him a car, if necessary. If he is staying
alone in an empty guest suite, they could send him dinner. And if he is driving
back that night, they could have a supper-to-go waiting for him when he drops
off their daughter. He may have been too nervous to eat before the day or
didn’t have time, and is probably famished.
When
the boy comes to pick up the girl presents another opportunity to do a chesed.
The parents have already done a lot of research, and now they have the
opportunity to meet the boy in person. Even if they can tell right away that
this boy is not going to work for their daughter, perhaps they can think of
another girl who might be good for him. The same idea applies to the dating
couple. If the girl or the boy knows that this is not for them, don’t waste the
date. Maybe he or she would be a good idea for your friend!
Genuine good middos might involve
the ability to think outside the box.
Shidduch Innovations
Of course, many
things have changed with shidduchim
in the 21st century. One of them is the concept of a dating coach. A
dating coach is someone who helps young people and their parents navigate the
world of shidduchim. A dating coach
will speak to young people before they start dating or while they are dating. He
or she will discuss questions, such as “What is considered a red flag,” or “How
do I know if this is the right one?”
“There has been an alarming increase in the number
of broken engagements and newly marrieds divorcing,” says Keren Traub,
a dating coach here in Baltimore. “A major factor in this is the couples rushing and not truly getting
to know the other person. People are missing important information: Is the
perspective spouse emotionally healthy? If he or she isn’t, marriage is not the
solution. It will only make things worse. Some of these things you can’t see in
three weeks. Many dating coaches feel six to eight weeks of dating is healthy
in order to get a fuller picture and make sure this is right for you.
“In order to know what to look
for in a spouse, people have to know themselves well,” says Keren. “Think about
what you respect in the other person. Make sure you feel happy in yourself
and know how you communicate and resolve conflict. Does this person make you
feel safe, and do they appreciate you for your good qualities? Are they a giver
or a taker? Easygoing or intense? Have you seen your date in a variety of
situations, including stressful ones? Have you observed his or her family
dynamics and how they relate to parents and siblings? While we generally
do not date for a long time, there must be enough time for the couple to get to
know the answers to some of these very important questions. A fun dater is not
necessarily a good marriage partner.”
Another innovation
is dating over the computer. I spoke to Lisa Elefant, who runs a database for shidduchim called Adopt-a-Shadchan. It
was established three years ago and has made about 30 shidduchim. Presently, it has about 2,000 people on its database. Lisa
explained how it works: “Young men and women upload their profiles on the
website, and then shadchanim try to make matches for them. You can
upload your profile for free, but to guarantee that a shadchan will be
working for you, it costs about $30 a month. The shadchanim work with
the singles in the same way a regular shadchan
does and can be as involved or as uninvolved as the couple wants them to be.
Matches are made using a computer algorithm, with the oversight of human shadchanim.
Shidduchim is an endless topic. It affects everyone
in some way, and everyone has an opinion on the subject. I hope you found these
musings interesting and, if relevant to you at this time, I hope it was helpful.
* pseudonym
