For the last three years, I have been running the Jewish Used Book Collection. People donate Jewish books that they have finished reading, and I sell them from a corner of the Savings Center, which kindly donates the space for this project. All the money collected is given to the Chananya Backer Memorial Institute (CBMI). The book collection is an amazing project, because it has absolutely no expenses, except for the dot stickers I use to price the books. One of the perks of running the collection is that all kinds of interesting books and tapes appear on my front porch, and I have the opportunity to read them first, before I take them to the Savings Center. I never know what treasures I will find. While sorting through some new arrivals recently, I came across a book and a tape on the same subject that I thought would be interesting to explore. They were both about sibling rivalry. Although both the book and the tape are from more than 20 years ago, the subject is timeless.
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote their book, Siblings Without Rivalry, in 1987. It followed their most famous book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The tape is by Dr. Norman Blumenthal, produced by Yeshiva Darchei Noam of Monsey, from the 90s. The book is based on workshops that the authors gave to parents who were concerned about their children fighting, and the tape was part of a lecture series about parenting. Coincidentally, Dr. Blumenthal uses the book as a source for his lecture.
As Dr. Blumenthal says in his introduction, sibling relationships are not a new issue; they have been affecting the world from the beginning of creation. Many of the stories in the Chumash, beginning with Kayin and Hevel, center on the relationships of brothers and sisters. What about Yitzchak and Yishmael; Yaakov and Eisav; Yosef and his brothers; Moshe, Aharon, and Miriam? It is glaringly obvious that the relationship with our siblings is often a foundation of our lives for both the good and the bad.
In some informal interviews I conducted while working on this article, everyone with whom I spoke remembered fighting bitterly with their siblings when they were children, although they now get along very well. One woman chuckled as she remembered how she and her sister shared a pull-out couch at bedtime and how they screamed at each other if even one toe touched the wrong side of the bed. “But she is my favorite sister now,” the woman said. The consensus seems to be that the sister or brother that you fought with the most is often the closest sibling later. I asked Dovid, a man I know, the father of nine children, if he fought with his siblings. “I was awful,” he said. “In fact, my sister warned me not to tease my daughters like I teased my sisters. When my son fights with his sisters, it doesn’t faze me, because I know I was much worse.”
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Families in which the children are close in age often have to deal with a lot of fighting. Every parent hopes that their children’s fights in their younger years will not prevent them from having a great relationship when they are grown up. Still, most parents experience the underlying fear that their children will never get along. What happens if they are still beating each other up when they are adults?
Dr. Blumenthal starts off his lecture by recalling the survey that Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish mention in the beginning of their book. They asked the seminar participants for their reactions to an amusing scenario:
“Imagine that your spouse puts an arm around you and says, ‘Honey, I love you so much and you’re so wonderful that I’ve decided to have another wife just like you.’ When the new wife finally arrives, you see that she is very young and kind of cute. When the three of you are out together, people say hello to you politely but exclaim ecstatically over the newcomer. ‘Isn’t she adorable! Then they turn to you and ask, ‘How do you like the new wife?’ The new wife needs clothing. Your husband goes into your closet and takes some of your sweaters and pants and gives them to her. When you protest, he points out that since you’ve put on a little weight, your clothes are too tight for you and they’ll fit her perfectly. The new wife is maturing rapidly. Every day she seems smarter and more competent. One afternoon as you’re struggling to figure out the directions on the new computer your husband bought for you, she bursts into the room and says, ‘Oooh, can I use it? I know how!’ When you tell her she can’t use it, she runs crying to your husband. Moments later she returns with him. Her face is tear- stained and he has his arm around her. He says to you, ‘What would be the harm in letting her have a turn? Why can’t you share?’”
The conclusions to this droll parable are obvious but bring home some of the possible explanations for sibling rivalry. The solution, though, is not so simple. The authors encouraged the participants to try out different scenarios to see what diffused the hypothetical situation for them and made them feel better.
“What would you tell me to do with my new wife?” the workshop participants were asked. At first they all said, “Get rid of her,” but they quickly realized that getting rid of her only brought on new problems. One woman said, “If my husband ‘got rid of her’ just because I asked him to, I’d be scared. I’d figure he could do the same to me one day.” Another woman commented, “My husband would have to tell me that he loves me best and that she means nothing to him.” Finally they came to the conclusion, “I’d want the freedom to say all kinds of nasty, critical things about the new wife – whether they were true or not – and not once have him defend her or put me down or get angry.” In other words, having the hypothetical husband hear their feelings of jealousy, without getting angry at them and telling them that their feelings were wrong, made them feel more able to cope with the situation. The authors conclude, “Even as grown-ups who are just pretending, we can see how comforting it is to have someone who will listen to your negative feelings. Children are no different. They need to be able to air their feelings and wishes about their siblings, even the unsavory ones.”
The authors suggest using this parable as a lesson in real life situations. Instead of finding excuses and giving advice when children come to complain about their siblings, reflect their feelings back to them and show them that you understand. The book uses cartoon drawings to illustrate various situations, first illustrating the wrong way to respond and then the right way. For example, a little boy complains that his mother is always taking care of the baby and has no time for him. In the first illustration the mother denies his perception as false, “No I am not,” she says. “I just read you a book five minutes ago.” In the second one she just reflects back what he says: “Oh, you don’t like my spending so much time with her?” The son seems comforted. Another example: A little boy comes to complain to his mother, “Ma, Bobby called me an idiot.” In the first illustration, the mother advises her son, “Oh, just ignore him!” In the second she says, “A comment like that can make you mad!” Her son agrees and seems to calm down.
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Dr Blumenthal also talks about how to handle fighting. “Never try to figure out who started it and who is at fault. It is just impossible and unlikely to be successful. We breathe and they fight,” he jokingly comments! “People in families often play certain roles as if they were actors in a play. One child may always be the good one, one may be the angry one, and one may always be the victim. The parent should not reinforce these roles by always taking sides with the perceived victim and against the perceived bully. We don’t want our children to grow up to be a professional bully or a professional victim.”
As one mother told Dr. Blumenthal, “My older son is always beating up my younger son, but I have to wonder why my younger son keeps on going back for more. Why doesn’t he learn his lesson and stay away.”
“Giving roles to our children can be harmful to them even if the role is a positive one,” say Adele and Elaine. “It is a big pressure for a child to feel like he always has to be the good one, or the one who gives in. If one child in a family has an especially difficult personality or has special needs, the parents may rely on another child to always be well-behaved and never to be in a bad mood.” As one parent in the book explained, “It’s a big pressure to have to be wonderful all the time. Kids deserve the right to be ordinary – and to have their ordinary needs be just as important as the child with the problem.”
“Instead of trying to be the judge and make all the decisions of who is at fault and who should give in, hand over the responsibility to the children to find the solution themselves. Take away the object that they are fighting about until they figure out a way to resolve the conflict,” says Dr. Blumenthal. “Use creative methods like taking a break and discussing it again in 10 minutes, having them write down ideas, or working out some kind of compromise.”
Dovid, agrees. “When my children are fighting, it works very well to tell them to go into a room together and come out when they are friends.”
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Although Dr. Blumenthal uses the book as a resource for his lecture, he says, “I don’t like the name of the book, Siblings Without Rivalry, because some rivalry is universal, normal, and has a purpose. In fact, in dysfunctional families, where there is a lot of stress and fighting among the parents, there is less sibling rivalry, because the children join together to deal with the stress that is coming from their parents.
“Sibling rivalry has two main functions,” he says. “One is to teach children an effective and civil manner to deal with conflict resolution. Our parents are the authority figures in the home, and in a way, we learn from our relationship with them about our relationship with G-d. But our siblings teach us how to deal with our peer group, coworkers, and spouse.
“The other function of sibling rivalry is to cultivate the understanding that life is not fair. That is the reality. It is a lesson that needs to be learned from a young age. We have to come to terms with the fact that many things in this world are unequal. Just as my sibling may be stronger, smarter, or have nicer hair than I do, when I grow up there will be plenty of people who have better jobs, nicer spouses, bigger houses, or more nachas than I do. That’s life, and learning that fact is part of growing up.”
As Adele and Elaine write in their book, “Children don’t need to be treated equally; they need to be treated uniquely.” Instead of responding to the request for equal amounts by saying, “Here, now you have just as many grapes as your sister,” say, “Do you want a few grapes or a big bunch?”
Dovid, agrees, “I can’t be bothered to dole out the exact amount of every treat to each of my children. Instead, if they ask me for something, I say, ‘Take it yourself, but take responsibly.’ In our house, that means, look around and see who else may want and then take an amount that will leave enough for everyone else.”
Adele and Elaine retell a humorous story that describes how difficult it is to keep things equal all the time and how each child is just looking for reassurance that her or she is valued. A man reports, “Amy, my middle daughter, suddenly asked, ‘Daddy, whom do you love best, Rachel, Emily or me?’ I answered, ‘Honey, I love you all the same.’ But she didn’t buy it. ‘Suppose we were all in a row boat and it tipped over, and everyone was drowning, then whom would you save?’ I tried to work my way out of that one. ‘The one closest to me,’ I said. ‘Suppose they’re all the same closeness,’ she asked. She really had me on the spot! Finally, I answered. ‘That would be a terrible situation for me to be in. Each of you is so special to me, because each of you is so different. What would I do if anything happened to my Amy? How could I bear the thought of losing someone who is such a pleasure to be with and talk to? I’d never find another one like her anywhere. She’s a complete original. It’s torture to even think about it!’ Amy was satisfied. Her father convinced her that he truly valued her, so she didn’t need to compare herself to her sisters.
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After the lecture, some parents asked interesting questions. One of the parents asked Dr. Blumenthal, “What about forcing your children to say ‘I’m sorry’?”
He answered, “The guiding rule should be what long term value am I trying to teach? Is a robotic ‘I’m sorry,’ when you don’t mean it, teaching anything?
Another parent asked, “What about bribing? Is one child bribing another in order to get what he wants acceptable?”
“Why not?” he answered, only half jokingly. “Bribery is a useful life skill.”
There is much to say about this topic and much to learn. Of course, parents who are in the middle of raising their children and still dealing with the inevitable fights may wonder if these suggestions will make a difference with their own kids, but both the book and the tape describe interesting approaches that are worth considering.
Now that I have finished writing this article, I will put the book and the tape in the Jewish Used Book Collection, so if you want them, go to the Savings Center and see if they are still there.
Sidebar
$12,000! Who Would Have Thought?
You’ve been to the Savings Center on Seven Mile Lane and you’ve seen their shelves of used Jewish books. Maybe you have perused some of the books, or perhaps you even bought a few at unbelievably low prices. But one thing you might not know is that every dollar received from this sale of used books goes to a very worthy and vital charitable cause in our community, the Chananya Backer Memorial Institute (CBMI)/Lev Shlomo.
When Mr. Moinzadeh and Mr.Roshanshad offered to donate some of their precious floor space in the Saving Center for the used books, and to sell the books and collect the money – all for charity! – they never imagined that their efforts would meet such overwhelming success. In just a few short years, the sale of the books has generated over $12,000!
For those who are unfamiliar with it, CBMI/Lev Shlomo is a non-profit organization run by Rabbi Aryeh Zigdon and Rabbi Shaya Kohn offering a series of programs that provide support, encouragement, and guidance to the youth of our community. The doors to “The LEV” are always open to all boys from all walks of life. Greeted with warmth and love, the CBMI/Lev staff provides an accepting and non-judgmental environment that allows the boys the space they need achieve and accomplish their goals and dreams.
So, keep on buying all of your household goods from the Savings Center and keep on buying those used books. It all adds up!
Thank you,
The CBMI/Lev Shlomo Family
