It was a sweltering afternoon, the last day of school. Pulling into the TA parking lot, I heard the unmistakable noise of a shredded tire. The lot was teeming with cars filled with boys. I knocked on the window of a big white van next to me. The woman, whom I did not know, rolled down the window. After I made my desperate request, she said, in the spirit of Rivka Imeinu, “Sure, not only can I take home one boy, I’ll take all three. No problem!” Later, I heard that she was planning to buy Slurpies for the whole carpool because it was the last day of school, so she bought Slurpies for the three new passengers as well.
Carpools! They are the bane of life in Jewish Baltimore but, interestingly, also an amazing opportunity to do chesed in everyday life. And, as the joke (based on Pirkei Avos) goes, you can tell the real essence of a person, bekiso (when his money is involved), beka’aso (when he gets angry), bekoso, (when he is drunk), and bekarpoolo (how he behaves in carpool matters).
On Stress Street
For some families blessed with a number of school age children, carpool can take up eight to twelve hours weekly, amounting to a real part time job. But even someone who has driven only a few carpools has many stories to tell. The combination of stress, restless children, and lack of time can be a volatile mix.
It emerged from my sources that bad behavior in carpool is a common problem. Fighting, chutzpa, and lateness need to be addressed, and drivers handle them in different ways. Mrs. Goldman, a veteran carpool driver, said, “Whenever I had a problem with behavior in my carpool, I always spoke to the principal of the school instead of the parents, because it seemed to work better. Parents are very sensitive about their own children’s behavior.”
“Mrs. Cohen, another carpool driver of many years, feels that it is better to speak to the children themselves rather than the parents. “If a child is perpetually late, I speak to him about it, because it is ultimately his responsibility.”
Many people are like lions protecting their cubs. They don’t want to hear that their child was misbehaving in carpool. The assumption is that the grown-ups act like adults when addressing these issues. But occasionally it is the parents who misbehave. It would be nice if everyone came on time and no one ever forgot a carpool, but mistakes happen. And if we need more motivation to control our anger than the Torah obligation to be kind and forgiving towards others, we should keep in mind that the way we behave in a stressful carpool situation can affect our child’s shidduch 15 years down the road. It’s not easy to forget the person who yelled at you when you came late one morning or forgot to pick up your carpool after school. One day in the hazy future, someone may call your neighbor to ask about your family for a shidduch, and that neighbor might still remember your violent reaction on that long forgotten Tuesday afternoon.
There is other parental misbehavior, of course – at least in the eyes of their children. One teenage boy was upset with his mother for a week because she hummed in carpool! What about the father who insisted on wearing his favorite red sweater to carpool? How mortifying for his daughter! And then there is the common scenario of keeping up with the Joneses, “But Ma, everybody else stops for Slurpies on the way home. Why can’t we? You’re the meanest mother.”
Carpool Pluses
Carpool is not all negative. “It is a great bonding time,” says Mrs. Cohen. “I allow my child to sit in front next to me, and I schmooze with him about school while it is all fresh in his mind.”
Mrs. Roxan says, “I love the drive to school, because it is the only uninterrupted time I have to listen to interesting Torah tapes. At home it is difficult to listen, because I am always walking from room to room.”
Then there is the young mother who was just starting the carpool adventure. Calling an older, more experienced carpool driver, she admitted, “I am really nervous about driving carpool. It seems like such a big undertaking.”
“Why don’t you think of it as the beginning of a great mitzva,” advised the older mother, “the first step in teaching your child Torah.” The next day the young mother called back and reported that she had taken the words to heart. “I dressed in my Shabbos clothes, put on my sheitel and earrings in honor of my new mitzvah, and I drove carpool!” she said.
Carpool Kindness
When a family has a baby, do they have to pre-drive every carpool, or are the members of the carpool willing to take over their drive without a payback? When someone withdraws from a carpool, does she have to continue to drive for the rest of the year?
These are just two examples of the unexplored ethical issues surrounding carpool. It is a strange phenomenon that some people who are happy to do favors for others are reluctant to do a carpool favor. Maybe it is because carpool falls in the foggy area between business arrangement and chesed. Those who consider it a business arrangement are very insistent that everything be very exact and that every good turn be paid back. Others are willing to do favors for their fellow drivers even in the context of carpool.
Mr. Green was driving home from school with a full car of boys. With his car overheating, he pulled to the side of the road and called his wife to see if she could come to pick up the boys with their other car. She was looking for the keys when her husband called back. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to come. Every car that passed us took home one or two boys. There is nobody left. All those people could have gone speeding by, but they took the extra minute and stopped.”
Mrs. Levin, a teacher in a local school, traded carpools with a rebbi in another school. She drove his carpool, and he drove hers. This arrangement went on for a number of years. What she didn’t realize was that, during the summer, when she no longer had school, he continued to drive her carpool, even though he did not have to be in school until later in the day because of the summer schedule. Mrs. Levin only found out about the rebbe’s sacrifice by chance; only now does she realize the chesed that was done for her. Who says that burying the dead is the only chesed shel emes?
There was a misunderstanding in a carpool. Even though Mrs. Roth thought she made it clear that she wasn’t going to be in the carpool, her carpool misunderstood and was counting on her. In order to avoid a fight, Mrs. Roth, drove once a week for an entire year, although her son was not even in the carpool! What greatness! A carpool the whole year just to avoid a fight!
These incidents do not exhaust the plethora of chasadim done by ordinary members of our community. In fact, for the many families with children in our Jewish schools, carpool is a major source of opportunities to do chesed without looking too far from home.
When Is a Chesed Not a Chesed?
Chesed is a wonderful mitzva, but at times your chesed may be someone else’s burden. It seems people like to be able to choose their chasadim. Here’s one example of a chesed gone awry.
Chani is overwhelmed; she has many little children and her husband is hardly ever home. Her neighbor, Rivki, knows that everyone in her carpool has the extra space, so she offers to take Chani’s son home without Chani having to participate. Rivki, is sure that the whole carpool will agree, because, after all, it is only one extra stop and only five minutes out of the way. But, Sori, another carpool member is upset. “I also have many little children, and that extra stop once a week is hard for me. I resent the idea that I am anti-chesed because I don’t want to take that extra child.”
Who is right, Rivki or Sori? Where do we draw the line between taking care of ourselves and doing for others? I remember learning in seminary from the writings of Rabbi Dessler that you should never agree to do things you are later going to regret. For example, if you are going to be angry and resentful all year about the extra child in carpool, then don’t agree to do it. You will lose all the value of the mitzva.
This is a dilemma that comes up often when arranging carpools. People have to know themselves well, but also put themselves in the other person’s shoes. This can be a difficult feat. “A carpool is a little bit like a shidduch,” says Mrs. Shapiro. “For example, I try to be on time for my carpools, but if somebody says she’ll be at my house at 8:07, rather than between 8:05 and 8:10, I am a little wary. I am not sure I can meet her criteria for timeliness. It is good if expectations are discussed in advance.”
Putting It All Together
Yeshiva Lane has a unique arrangement. Because it is a compact neighborhood, it lends itself to a unified solution to carpools. A few women have taken on the massive job of arranging all the carpools for the entire neighborhood. Each family on Yeshiva Lane submits an application listing the size of their car, the number of children going to each school, and times they can drive. The women put it all together, trying to make sure that everyone is satisfied. The bottom line is that no one is left out.
In Park Heights and Greenspring, this is not easy to do, although some people try to help. Mrs. Michal Balsam has taken it upon herself to be a clearinghouse for TI carpools. “People feel so helpless when they don’t have a carpool; they don’t know where to turn. Sometimes when I give them a couple of names, it leads to other ideas and helps them find something.” She has recently undertaken to keep a list of people looking for carpools from all Baltimore area Jewish schools. (See sidebar.)
Carpool Questions
If you don’t like to drive on a certain street when the streets are icy, should you leave that family out of your carpool? If a family lives five or ten minutes out of the way, should you refuse to include them? What about a child who fights with your child? Or a family that is always late picking up or dropping off? What if you think they don’t drive safely? Or their music doesn’t meet your standards for listening material in the car?
These issues are not easy to figure out. We have to weigh our desire to do what is best for ourselves and our families, our desire to help others, and the overall picture of what is fair. For instance, even if we don’t want to carpool with a certain family, maybe we can network for them and make sure that they find another carpool. In some cases, there are halachic aspects, and asking a shaila will clarify things.
Some might deplore the fact that the Baltimore community does not have a bussing system. But perhaps we can look at carpools as a great opportunity to show our children our devotion to their education, spend time with them, and help our neighbors and friends as well.
Would anyone in the community like to join me in creating a carpool gemach? If you have some free time, would you be willing to give me your name, number, car size, and availability? Then, if someone just can’t drive their carpool one day or misses their transportation, perhaps I could match the person who needs help with a driver. If you are interested in helping with this idea, please call me at 410-358-5192. The more drivers on my list, the more likely it is that we can help people.
Sidebar
Carpool First Aid
Mrs. Michal Balsam has volunteered to help people find carpools. “I would be especially happy to help teachers and other people who work at schools swap rides to/from one school in exchange for a ride for their children to/from another school,” she says. “People looking to pay for rides and people looking to accept money for rides can also contact me with their information. My success depends on the number of people who call, so people should not hesitate.”
Contact Mrs. Balsam at carpoolshadchan@gmail.com or 410-358-2836. She needs the school, arrival or dismissal time, number of seats available for carpool children, your neighborhood, neighborhood/s you are willing to travel to, and any other pertinent information. Please state also whether you are looking for the current or following school year. “I do not take responsibility for arranging carpools,” adds Mrs. Balsam, “I only share information about others who may be looking.”
