We all know that technology is remarkable and has completely changed the world from what it was 100 years ago, but few things have changed as much in my own lifetime as the telephone.
When I was a child, we had electricity, indoor plumbing, a refrigerator, and a washer and dryer (unlike my aunt, who told me that at one point she had three children in diapers and washed the diapers by boiling them on top of the stove!). My parents did not drive when I was young, but I certainly rode in cars. So, though today we may have fancier cars, more air-conditioning, and nicer refrigerators – and can’t imagine life without them – they serve the same function as in the past. The telephone, however, has metamorphosed so drastically that, while it is still called a telephone, I think it qualifies as a new phenomenon.
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When I was a child, we had one phone in the house. No one ever lost their phone or forgot to charge it, because it was permanently attached to the wall, waiting patiently to be used. My mother would talk while she worked in the kitchen, and the long curly wire on the handset stretched all around the chairs and the table. If someone tried to call while she was talking, they got a busy signal. There was no “caller ID,” so no one could tell who was calling or even knew that someone was trying to get through. Family members would say, “Don’t tie up the phone; I am expecting a call.” And the would-be caller would say, “The line is busy.”
Today, there is no more busy signal. Someone who is on the phone can see your number and hear a click. Anonymity is not an option. Almost everyone has caller-ID so if they do not want to talk to you they can avoid you forever.
In my childhood, everyone’s phone rang the same way; there were no individual tunes to let you know the phone call was for you. Today, customized rings are a necessity as just about every individual has his or her own phone. (Imagine being in a crowded waiting room with everyone receiving a call at the same time with the same ring!) In fact, we hardly call house phones anymore. It is understood that if you want to reach a person, you need to know his cell phone number.
Today, even children have phones. A high school teacher told me that the cell phone is the newest way to cheat on a test. You can take a picture of the right answers and send them discretely to your friends. Fortunately, her new classroom has no cell phone reception, so even though the room is in an inconvenient spot, she likes it because she does not have to worry about the kids using their phones in class.
I don’t remember having an answering machine years ago. They were only for businesses. When you tried to reach someone and they didn’t answer, you just tried again and again until someone picked up. Today, you try not to call repeatedly because the person you are trying to reach can see all their missed phone calls and might get annoyed.
In my day, phones had dials instead of push buttons. Dialing a phone was a skill that a child had to learn. It also took longer, especially if the phone number was full of eights, nines, and zeroes, because the dial took a few extra seconds to turn and return. You also had to know the phone number – no directory of contacts. People kept phone numbers stored in their smart brains, not their smart phones, or they looked them up in the “white pages” or personal address book. Of course, there were fewer numbers to remember as all members of the family had the same number. Today, a person could call someone every day for a year and still not remember their phone number without pressing contacts.
We used to joke that one day there might be a picture phones and you would have to dress up before picking up the phone. It was about as farfetched as another joke we used to make: that one day we would be grandparents! Lo and behold, both have happened to me. I recently saw a three-year-old call her mother on a cell phone, and she enjoyed watching her mother as she talked.
When a person went out in the “olden days,” it was understood that they could not be reached, no matter how important the message. They could call you from a pay phone, but you could not reach them. (You could still worry, though. That’s timeless.) No one got angry if you didn’t call, because, of course, you did not have a phone with you.
Today, payphones have gone the way of the dinosaur, so if you lose your cell phone, you’re out of luck. Today, we never have to be out of touch. If visitors are coming from out of town, we don’t have to worry if they are late; we can just call them and find out the exact time of their arrival. And they won’t be getting lost, of course, because they have Waze on their phones to direct them. Reading maps and getting directions are unnecessary.
Long distance phone calls were terribly expensive years ago, and most people only called for very special occasions. When I was in seminary in England, I spoke to my parents in Baltimore once or twice a year, and those phone calls lasted only about three minutes and consisted of a lot of yelling (because the connection was often not good) and trying to say everything in a very short call. Every minute cost money. My uncle in England would sometimes let me call my parents as a special treat.
When I was very homesick, I had a trick that allowed me to hear my mother’s voice. I would go to a payphone and dial my home number without putting any money in the slot. I would hear my mother answer the phone but we would immediately get disconnected because I hadn’t paid. That soothed my homesickness a bit.
Today, when students go off to Israel to study, they go with their own phone. It costs very little to speak to them; sometimes it is even free. We can talk to our children three times a day if we want to. We can indulge in long conversations without counting the minutes or worrying about the cost.
As for those living in Israel, when my sister made aliya, she did not have her own phone for a number of years, and shared one with her neighbor. Today, people can live in Israel and have an American number, making called them just like calling someone in Baltimore.
In my day, people communicated by writing letters. My mother wrote me an airmail letter almost every day, and she wrote and received hundreds of letters to and from her family in England. There was no such thing as getting an answer right away. You wrote a letter, which took about a week to get there and at least another week to get an answer. I found a telegram in my parents’ house from my father’s parents wishing mazal tov on my birth. It seems that one did not spend money on a long-distance phone call – even for the birth of a baby!
Today, letter writing is a forgotten art – and even talking is on the way to becoming old hat! Instead, we text, WhatsApp, and email. You no longer have to wonder if someone got your message or saw your email or text because your phone will tell you if the message was opened. No more hiding behind the excuse “I did not get your message.”
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How things have changed! We have reached a point where a person who does not have a cell phone is considered a bit weird. I am not sure it is an exaggeration to say that we are as surprised that a person does not have a cell phone as we would be if they did not have running water!
All these changes have brought about etiquette problems that didn’t exist when there was only one phone attached to the wall, no caller ID, no call waiting, no texting, and no WhatsApp. Some of the excuses we used to make (true or not!) do not work anymore. It is not like we can honestly say “I am sorry the phone was busy,” or “I didn’t know you called,” or “My sister was on the line.” Today, the phone is never busy, you have caller ID, and your sister has her own phone!
I used to be friendly with an elderly Holocaust survivor who was very lonely. She was often offended because she would leave messages and people did not call back. I tried to reassure her that they probably did not get the message. Ten years ago, that was possible, and I hoped it was true. Today, it would be harder to suggest that.
In this new communications universe, different rules of politeness are required. For instance, what is proper etiquette if you are talking to someone and your cell phone rings? Can you answer? Can you check who is calling? What about a text? Can you take a quick peek while you are in a conversation with a live person?
“My brother, a dean of a college, will immediately end a conversation with a student if the student looks at his cell phone during their meeting,” said my friend Brenda. “He will not tolerate any deviation from this rule.”
How about the other side of the coin? If somebody calls you or sends a text, is it polite to ignore them? How about if they call a few times in a row? How about if you know why they are calling and don’t want to answer them? How about if you already spoke to them five times today? How about if it is the wrong number? How about if you are on another phone call?
I am not the “Emily Post” of modern telephone etiquette. I just want to call attention to the fascinating changes in the realm of communications and the challenges they create. Here we are in Elul again: time to think about being kind and doing good. Obviously, the rules of politeness have changed because of the new technology. It behooves us to think about how we want to use it. Our goal should be to build friendship and good feelings – never the opposite.
