“Once upon a time,” most
women left their jobs once they had a child. But by the late 1980s, the milk-and-cookies mom
of the 1950s and ’60s had been largely replaced by the working
mom. The transition was not smooth, and the tension between the two groups played out in the
media and in private life in what was called the “mommy wars.” Now, more than 30 years
later, and with a majority of mothers in the workplace, the skirmishes have died
down, but it is still one of those topics about which everyone has an opinion. Stay-at-home mothers
criticize working mothers for neglecting their kids, while working mothers look
down at stay-at-homes for being too indulgent and not contributing to their
family’s income. Is there a right and a wrong? That is the question I will
explore in this article. But one thing is certain: Whether a
mother should work or stay at home is a dilemma that no family can avoid.
Consider this
question for Dr. Aviva Weisbord, a”h,
which the WWW printed 1997:
I work part-time and drop my
three-year-old off at a daycare center on those mornings. He used to go
happily. Ever since Pesach, though, he has begun something new. When I take him
inside and want to leave, he begins to scream. He seems petrified. I tried bribing
him. I tried staying for a while…to ease him into it. Nothing worked. He still
screamed when I left. Last week, he even wailed, “I want you! Don’t leave me!”
I drove away crying myself. I should mention that the teachers say he is just
fine after I leave. I am torn. I think a three-year-old really should not be
forced to stay in school, but I have to go to my job. I feel so guilty. Am I
harming him for life? Am I destroying his sense of trust? What advice can you
give me?
That mother could have been me. I still remember the terrible feeling of
unease, wondering if I was doing the right thing when I dropped off my children
at babysitters. Now, 25 years later, the son who cried when I left him explains
his philosophy about his own little daughter: “Yafa loves playgroup. She loves
to go in the morning and complains when it is time to go home. There is so much
stimulation, lots of children to play with, and great toys! She learns to share
and to get along with other people. At home she is an only child, and the
activities that interest her are always the ones we do not want her to do, like
tearing toilet paper, crumbling crackers, and throwing things in the garbage
that do not belong there. It is clear to me that playgroup is great for her. It
is not second choice at all!”
If I could go back in time and get into the head of a three-year-old, it
seems my son would have said, “Don’t worry Ma. Don’t feel guilty. Three-year-olds
gain a lot from playgroup, even if they protest. Go to work, and everything
will be fine.”
* * *
It’s all about choices. If the family has enough income, the mother may
have the choice of staying home or working outside the house. Often, however,
the only choice lies in how to manage family life and childrearing in the face
of the necessity of working. It is not all or nothing, of course. Parents juggle
their responsibilities in different ways. Many parents work from home. Some
parents work at night, and others hire nannies.
For some mothers, being a stay-at-home
mother is non-negotiable. Miriam says, “We never buy take-out, don’t send our
children to camp, have a small house in an inexpensive neighborhood, and don’t
send to playgroups because we think it is important for me to be at home when
the children are young. We save money that we would have to spend if I were
working.”
Robin, another mother, chooses to stay home, although she has a
profession, because the stress of having both parents working overrides the
extra income that would be available if she worked. “This way, one parent is
always available in case a child has to be home for some reason,” she says,
“and the more children, the more likely that someone will have to be home.”
“A mother belongs at home taking care of her children and her family,”
says Chana with passion. “It’s not easy, but it’s important. My mother was
always home, and it was for sure a plus. With creativity and flexibility, there
are usually options to earn money without being out of the house all day, every
day!”
Other families feel differently. A mother
of many who works at home full time says, “For me there is no question of not working.
Our family has to eat. We have to pay the mortgage and tuition, so I have to
work. My children look forward to the week I have off in December and when I
have maternity leave. Then we live the dream life of a stay-at-home mother, but
most of the time I am working.”
For families that embrace the kollel lifestyle, working mothers are the
norm. Many young women commit to this ideal even before they have children. Of
course, it is harder to live the ideal than to dream about it. As Bracha
explains, “It is my ideal to be a stay-at-home mother but I can’t be, so I make
sure to show my children how happy I am to be with them when they are home, so
that they won’t feel bad when I drop them off at the daycare.”
Rivka, another committed kollel wife admits, “It is much easier to
idealize having a husband who learns in kollel before you have children; it is
much harder to leave my small children to go to work.”
Gila, a mother who is in school and plans to work full time when she gets
her degree, can’t imagine being at home with her children all day. “Even if I were
not in school or working, I would send my children to childcare,” she says. Gila
wants a profession and an identity other than being a mother. She also wants
the material comforts that come with a larger income.
Julie, another working professional, says ruefully, “I would love to be
home in time to take the kids off the bus and make dinner and do homework with
them every night. Then on nights like tonight, when I am home and they’re
fighting and crying before they even come in the door, I wish I’d work more!”
Shira, a mother of seven, used to
be a stay-at-home mother. In fact, she prided herself on keeping her children
at home until they were five. She didn’t want to send the children to a daycare
unless they were verbal and able to communicate. She also wanted her own brand
of chinuch. “I have specific ways of doing things, and I cringed when I
heard the way the teachers in daycare spoke to the children,” Shira says. But
circumstances change and now Shira sends her children to daycare and works full
time. “Never say never,” she says. “The me of five years ago would not
recognize the current me!”
I spoke to Judy, who used to work as a
daycare director but quit her job, believes strongly in the value of the mother
taking care of her own children. “Although the teachers in the daycare were
very devoted and took good care of the children, they are set up to take care
of healthy children. So many times, I had to argue with parents who wanted to
send their children to the daycare although they had fever and were not feeling
well. A sick child needs a mother, and they are kidding themselves if they
think another person can act in their place.”
* * *
There are many different theories about this
topic, and parents can probably find an expert opinion to support any choice they
make. My son, who is a mental health counselor, learned in college that
socialization is very important for a child, and it must be learned and
practiced by the age of four. If a child hasn’t been exposed to other children
by four, it might be too late for him to learn socialization. In playgroup, a
child learns to get along with others, how to share, how to talk to others, how
to negotiate, and how to be likeable. My son thinks that children who are at
home alone with their parents lose out on this socialization.
On the other hand, there is a concept
called peer orientation, which refers to the tendency of children to look at
their peers for their sense of direction and codes of conduct. Some parents
feel that keeping their children with them at home when they are young gives
the parents a chance to instill their own values on their children before they
are affected by their peers.
Some theorize that the presence of the
mother most of the time is crucial. According to Erica Komisar, LCSW, in her
book Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First Three Years
Matters, no substitute can replace the connection between a mother and her
child. “Frequent positive interaction between a mother and her baby in the
first three years is critically important for the child’s social and cognitive
development. Her nurturing presence in the child’s early years affects the development
of her brain.” According to her theory, working many hours away from one’s
child can cause them harm.
Who’s the best mother? Here as how Dr.
Weisbord answered the question presented above. I think the answer is still
relevant today:
You were asking yourself if the whole
process is fair to your child, if you’re causing him untold harm for the rest
of his life, and if you are destroying his ability to feel secure in his world.
When you brought your little darling to the day care center, he was able to
pick up on your conflict. On some level, probably unconscious…he knew something
was wrong. Sure enough, when you dropped him off, he began to cry…. Now we have
a great cycle of behavior. You feel anguish; your son picks up on your pain and
understands on some visceral level that it involves him and his daycare
setting; your son cries when you drop him off; this serves to increase your
anxiety about working, which once again gets him crying the next time.
That’s the answer
to the question! Who is the best mother? The best mother is the one your
children have, and the best decision is the one that works for your family. The
secret is that both parents should be confident and proud of their decision.
Then their children will be happy as well!
