Reviewed By Rabbi Mordechai Shuchatowitz, Head of the
Baltimore Bais Din
In past articles[1], we
explored various scenarios that arise relating to carpools and what guidance we
can learn from the appropriate halachos. We will now explore a different
scenario, that of bullying, and see how it impacts the obligation of a carpool
group.
The unfortunate
reality is that bullying exists among our children.[2] It is
obvious that the optimal situation is where the bullying can be stopped. But the
goal of this article is to explore one specific angle of this issue: When the
bullying persists within a carpool setting, may the other carpool families
expel the bully from the carpool? We will illustrate this situation through a
fictitious case study.
* * *
Yitzchak says, “My
son Velvel has been the victim of bullying from his classmate Baruch. Both
Velvel and Baruch are 10 years old. While the bullying is usually relatively
mild in school, as Velvel and Baruch are in different classes, it becomes much
more intense around the time of dismissal and during the drive home. There is
usually a little time after dismissal when the boys are waiting for their
carpool driver. Baruch takes advantage of this time to tease Velvel by grabbing
his book bag and giving him a not-so-friendly shove. Even after the boys enter
the driver’s vehicle, the issue persists in the form of verbal harassment.
Velvel is on the short side, and Baruch is quick to call him ‘shorty,’ ‘pee-wee,’
‘pint-sized,’ and the like. He also manages to find other ways to verbally
offend Velvel on the ride home.
“We have asked the
other parents who drive carpool if they have witnessed this problem, and they
have said that it is indeed true. While Baruch will occasionally make some
comments directed at other boys, he particularly targets Velvel.
“We want to know
what recourse we have. Being that Velvel is not complaining about bullying
during school hours, and the bullying specifically relates to the drive home,
it would be simplest to remove Baruch from our carpool. I have spoken to
Baruch’s father, Binyamin, about this situation. While Binyamin has not totally
ignored the issue, he argued that it is not fair to kick him out of the carpool
midyear, as he will not be able to join a different carpool. Binyamin also
argued that, since Baruch does not bully the other children in the carpool,
there are not sufficient grounds to kick him out a carpool composed of many
families, as the other families do not have an issue with Baruch.
“The way it stands
now, the status quo continues, and it is very uncomfortable for Velvel. We wish
to take action and want to know if halacha can shed any light on this
situation.”
The situation that
Yitzchak described was a case where only Velvel was being bullied. We will also
address the question of whether the situation would be any different if Baruch
were bullying all the boys in the carpool.
The Halachic Analysis
The situation
described here touches on the following halachic question: When two or more
people have entered an employment agreement, may one party terminate that agreement
with legitimate grounds? A carpool is essentially an employment agreement. In
this case, Yitzchak agrees to do a drive for Binyomin, and in exchange,
Binyomin does a drive for Yitzchak. Each one is not compensating the other one
with money for his driving but is “paying” with his labor by doing a drive in
return.
In any employment
situation, the parties may terminate the agreement when there are clear grounds
that are halachically considered an umdana.
This concept was discussed in a previous article,[3] in
which a family relocated to a different city. The concept of umdana is that there are certain
unspoken stipulations that can be assumed by all parties involved.
It would seem that
there is an unspoken stipulation among all parties making a carpool arrangement
that the behavior of the children should be civil. If it were known ahead of
time that the child of a certain family bullies the other children, that family
would not be accepted into the carpool. This is certainly true if all the boys
in the carpool were being bullied by Baruch. In such a case, the carpool has a
right to terminate the arrangement with Binyamin, even if he will be unable to
join another carpool midyear. It should be added that, once the carpool expels
Binyamin, he also has no further obligation to the carpool. The remaining
families will need to equally take over the drives that Binyamin was formerly
doing.
In the situation we
are examining – where the bully is targeting just one boy in the carpool – it may
also very well be true that all the carpool families would not have agreed to
accept the bully into the carpool, and thus the bully may be expelled. If so,
the halacha would be the same as stated previously: The carpool can expel
Binyamin, and they will equally share the remaining drives.
Even if there
would not be such an umdana, Yitzchak
definitely has the right to leave the carpool without any further obligation.
Yitzchak did not intend to join a carpool where his son is bullied, so he is
free to leave and make his own arrangement.
There is an
additional point that should be emphasized: In the above scenario, the bullying
was clearly being done. Other parents had witnessed the bullying, and Binyamin
did not seem to deny it. In a case where a child claims to be bullied but the
bullying has not been witnessed by anyone, the situation is more complex. In
such a case, rabbinical guidance should be sought for the proper resolution to
the situation.
We daven to Hashem for His help in all
areas of all life, both in fulfilling our obligations and in helping us protect
the safety of our children. We hope that the above situation should only be
theoretical and that our children behave with proper middos and interpersonal behavior.
Rabbi Rosenfeld administers cases for the Baltimore
Bais Din. He can be reached at RYR@Baltimorebaisdin.org.
