I remember the feeling well, although it has been a while – that feeling of being torn, as a young mother, between wanting to go to shul on Rosh Hashanah but not knowing when I should, or even if I should. Although I am not much of a shul goer, it just didn’t feel like Rosh Hashanah if I couldn’t hear shofar blowing in a shul setting or the heartfelt Musaf melodies of my youth. Some years, a neighbor and I would take turns watching each other’s children, giving us both a chance to daven in shul for a short while. To shed light for those women who feel conflicted, as I did, I turned to some of the inspirational rebbetzins with whom Baltimore is blessed for their valued opinions.
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Both Rebbetzin Michal Seidemann and her husband, Rabbi Jonathan Aryeh Seideman, of Kehilath B’nai Torah, grew up in homes that had tremendous respect for the bais haknesses (synagogue). “We, as children, were not brought to shul until we were able to stay there and daven,” recalls Rebbetzin Seidemann. “Our own children were raised in the same way, and that meant that for many years, I was home with them, keeping them busy, while my husband was in shul, and that I was trying to get the meal ready and the table set at the same time. I really never felt that I was ‘missing out’ by not going to shul, although I did worry that by the time they grew old enough that I could go, I would forget what to do and what to say in shul! Well, baruch Hashem, one at a time, they grew old enough to watch their little sisters for a short time, and that’s the way I eased back into my shul-going days. As for my children, they would stay as long as they could in shul and then return home to eat or play, because, luckily, we live just four doors down from my husband’s shul. This way, they could learn how to behave in shul, experience Yom Tov, and still be children.”
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Rebbetzin Rochel Kaplan, wife of The Shul at Lubavitch Center’s Rabbi Shmuel Kaplan, says, “Rosh Hashanah is that time of year when we proclaim the malchut, sovereignty, of Almighty G-d, over the world. The Mechilta says, “Kablu malchuti ve’achar kach kablu gzeirotai –A accept My sovereignty, and afterward accept My edicts.” I always felt very strongly that the hours of Rosh Hashanah are my absolute moment of spiritual reckoning. This is when I come face to face with Avinu Malkeinu, Our Father, Our King, and it is ‘our’ time alone. As a mother, I see my children as an extension of self and, like my mother and those who preceded me, I make every effort to include my children in my shul going. I have made it an important part of childrearing, by example and by sharing our Jewish values. Luckily, when my children were younger, we had Jewish New Year services in our home. Rosh Hashanah is my booster shot for the year, and it sets the stage for myself and my priority role as mother of my children and an aym beyisrael, a mother within the Jewish people.”
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“Balancing the avoda (spiritual service) for the Yamim Noraim (High Holy Days) and the avoda we have as mothers can often be difficult,” contends Rebbetzin Dahlya Goldfeiz, whose husband, Rabbi Emanuel Goldfeiz, is the rav of the Sefardi shul Congregation Beit Yaakov (Beit Safra). “Before children, we could easily get into the mode of Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur by davening in shul and hearing all the familiar tunes and tefilot. However, when we have young children, our primary tafkid (role, task) as mothers takes precedence. With young children, I prefer to remain at home during the shul hours instead of risking my children causing a disturbance in the shul. I find that buying a new (or recycling a long-forgotten) game or toy for the Yom Tov will keep the children entertained for a while so I can manage to daven. Additionally, I prepare special treat bags filled with Yom Tov snacks as an incentive for children to play nicely while I daven. In this way, I can usually make it through the majority of the Machzor sporadically throughout the day. Although this altered Yamim Noraim experience can feel strange to mothers at first, we can find comfort in the knowledge that we are experiencing as much as we can of the avodat hayom while still tending to our precious, primary avoda of our children.”
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Rebbetzin Malka Taub, wife of the Brider Rebbe, Rabbi Shaye Taub of Khal Arugas Habosem, agrees, “The avoda of a woman should be in the house. First and foremost are her husband’s and children’s needs. When a child walks into the house from school, the mother should know what kind of a day he or she had. In school, we were taught how to daven, of course, but in the chassidishe world, while the children are young, our place is at home with them. This takes precedence over davening in shul. This is the tafkid, this is the avoda of the Yiddishe mama. Always keep in mind that all you do is for the next generation.”
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Rebbetzin Aviva Silber, wife of Rabbi Shmuel Silber, of Suburban Orthodox Toras Chaim, says, “I truly believe that a woman who is blessed with children needs to acknowledge her tafkid as a ‘mommy’ on these holy days. It can be difficult to be spiritual while you are at home playing with your children and/or changing diapers while your husband is spending numerous hours in shul. It’s wonderful if you are able to have a babysitter watch your children so that you can go to shul for a short while. Of course, if your shul has groups, as Suburban Orthodox does, then you have your answer; you can daven in shul while your kids are playing in a fun and safe environment. For mothers of small children who need to be home, the most important thing to remember is that you are doing what you should be doing: ‘mommying.’ Being a mother is the most important job – you don’t even get off on Yom Tov!”
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“What is important is to understand how that the same life blood that pulses through us, as we experience it in the shul Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur experience pulses through us as we perform the tasks of raising our children,” notes Rebbetzin Bracha Goldberger, wife of Rabbi Menachem Goldberger of Congregation Tiferes Yisroel Beis Dovid. “More accurately and honestly, the feelings that we have experienced and associated with G-dly connection need to be explored and developed, tempered and matured. Certainly, feeling oneself, knowing that we are alive in a vital and meaningful way, is lifesaving. Once saved, however, there is moving on to a place where ‘feeling ourselves’ is not our sole/soul motivation. Selflessness, the ability to take the focus off ourselves and how we are feeling the ‘spiritual experience’ – and not because we are numb or have given up on it – is advancement when it is coupled with a knowledge that, at this moment, I am doing that which is the right thing to do. That right thing is the tricky thing to know. It is almost always a ‘best shot,’ based on an honest evaluation of all the pieces and how they fit together. During the aseres yamei tshuva, we are hoping to awaken Hashem’s compassion which is activated by our awakening our own compassion. This is the concept of midda keneged midda. Both being in a tzibur (congregation) and tending to children are experiences that position us to be aware of the needs of those around us. It is never magic; it is our avoda to tune in to what our environment offers us.
“Honestly, it is hard for many of us to relate to diapers, nursing, baby food, tantrum management, etc., as a means of arousing compassion within ourselves,” continues the Rebbetzin. “And it certainly is not automatic. These activities, depending on how we approach them, can arouse resentment, anger, frustration, bitterness, and feelings of failure and deprivation. And we may find ourselves on a rollercoaster of emotions as we go back and forth between the more productive and less productive emotions as we muddle through these challenging years. Finding responsible childcare providers and going to shul does not constitute a breech, in my opinion. Because it’s not about doing what we ‘should’ do; it’s about being honest and meeting everyone’s real needs in the best interests and development of all parties. And perhaps, when we approach the struggle honestly, with a desire to grow and change, meeting all the needs as best we can, we will inch forward bit by bit. A mother of young children who chooses to nourish herself in the ‘shul experience’ is not by definition guilty of neglect and self-service. Most children deserve some time away from mom – I say this just as a bit of comic relief[E1] . Seriously, most children do fine with limited, responsible childcare. For mom to take some guilt-free time in shul to refocus and recalibrate can bring important revitalization and sustenance to the family. But, indeed, mom can do the same by never leaving the playroom. The qualities on Rosh Hashanah are in time as well as place.
“All of us can benefit from opening ourselves up to new possibilities in our relationships,” concludes the Rebbetzin. “We can all strive for relationships that are less self-serving and self-involved and more authentically with our people (the shul), our children, and our Hashem. Seeking life on Rosh Hashanah – seeking with deep desire to find Hashem and be among His holy nation, which are one, seeking in the right places at the right times – is a step-by-step journey, directed by the Torah, of hard labor, commitment, determination, perseverance, confusion, careful thinking, mistakes, triumphs, and the same thing all over again.”
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Rebbetzin Chasida Teichman, wife of Rabbi Zvi Teichman of Ohel Moshe, noted, “The avoda of Rosh Hashanah is to submit oneself to the ratzon (will) of Hashem, thereby proclaiming Him King. Every woman needs to ask herself what the ratzon of Hashem is in her particular situation, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. After a brutally honest exercise of introspection, a mother will come to her own conclusion. How should a woman feel if/when she concludes that Hashem wants her to be home with her children (and forgo the lofty inspiration found only in shul)? There was an incident in a yeshiva where a young man came late for his learning session with his chavrusa. When asked why he was late, he said, ‘On my way here, I heard someone crying in distress. I stopped to see what I could to alleviate the problem. When it was taken care of, I continued on my way, only to encounter yet another emergency! I stopped, investigated, and took care of the situation. And now I’m here.’ The chavrusa replied, ‘Wow! You’re a hero! Do you know the names of the people you’ve helped?’ ‘Um, actually, these were my own children at home, before I had a chance to walk out the door.’ Somehow, if mothers would value the noble work they do, they would feel more empowered and validated about what they can do, and less resentful about what they can’t.”
Addressing the issue of a woman’s lack of adequate inspiration that may result from davening at home, Rebbetzin Teichman shared, “I was very fortunate to be in Eretz Yisrael this past June, after not having been there for eight years. The greatest chesed of the Ribono Shel Olam, for which I will be forever grateful, was that I was zocha (merited) to be part of the atzeret tefila (prayer gathering) at the Kosel, the Sunday night following the kidnapping of our Kedoshim, one of thousands of Jews who filled the entire plaza and beyond. The Rav who led the tehilim was crying so hard it was difficult to hear the words between his sobs. A brother of one of the Kedoshim recited another perek. I was very close to the Kosel, as there were only eight people ahead of me (yes, I counted), and I was able to observe the two birds perched on the Wall not moving at all for the duration of the tefila, just watching this awesome sight. I can honestly say that the experience was so extremely poweful – the tekias shofar and the proclamation of ‘Hashem Hu Ha’elokim’ was so incredibly intense – it was greater than any Yom Kippur I had ever experienced! I was able to better understand the meaning of Chazal, who state that when Bnai Yisrael heard Hashem’s voice at Har Sinai, “parcha nishmasam,” their souls left their bodies. I always wondered why they fainted; if it was indeed too frightening, then why did Hashem subject them to that which they would not be able to withstand? I can say that, at my experience at the Kosel, I thought that my heart would just leave my body; I was so overwhelmed from the extreme intensity of the combined strong achdus (unity) and absolute deveikus. It was my personal reaction that can’t be assumed prior to the event.
“Moments don’t freeze; time marches on,” continues the Rebbetzin, “but I never want to forget the experience or let go of the level of closeness with Hashem which I achieved in those hours. And so I take it with me. Every morning, before opening my Siddur, I close my eyes, and I’m at the Kosel again. And I try to daven like I’m there again, at the atzeret. Deveikus is a state of mind, not a place. Being in shul is not the only way to acquire inspiration. And with small children, it definitely is not.”
Rebbetzin Teichman concluded by relating the conversation that Rabbanit Yemima Mizrachi had with Mrs. Bat-Galim Shaar, Gilad’s mother. “When the Rabbanit visited Mrs. Shaar after the shiva, she was approached by the husband, who asked her to please plead with his wife to lie down, as she had not slept in a bed for weeks. When Rabbanit Mizrachi asked Mrs. Shaar about it, she said, ‘I sat on this chair waiting for my son to come home; now I will sit on this chair and wait for Mashiach!’ Her glorious emuna (faith) manifested itself on her chair, in the privacy of her home. Tefila (prayer) is avoda shebalev (service of the heart), not avoda shebeveit knesset (service in the synagogue), and you take your heart with you wherever you are.”
Sidebar
Davening Guidelines for the Stay-at-Home-on-Rosh-Hashanah Mom
According to Rabbi Moshe Heinemann, the minimal davening for women who stay home from shul to care for their children on Rosh Hashanah should include:
- Birchas Hashachar
- Al Nitilas Yadayim until Gomeil Chasadim Tovim
- The first pasuk of Kriyas Shema and Baruch Shem Kavod Malchuso…
- Emes v’yatzeiv through the Shemoneh Esrei of Shacharis
- Ashrei
- Musaf Shemoneh Esrei
- Aleinu
Women should hear a minimal of 30 shofar blasts, says Rabbi Heinemann, “and if children can keep quiet, come with them to shofar blowing; if not, don’t bring them.”
According to Rabbi Emanuel Goldfeiz, “There is no difference in custom for Sefardim, except that reciting Musaf takes priority over reciting Birchas Kriyas Shema.”
