One Purim, a newly married young couple gave each of their relatives and friends a hamantash and an orange in a paper bag. Their mother laughed and enjoyed the gift, realizing that it reflected that particular couple’s style and attitude about life: simple, with love! Their grandmother, on the other hand, exclaimed, “Somebody should teach them the correct way to send mishloach manos!” One gift – two reactions!
Every year, in the weeks before Purim, the shalach manos decision-making begins in earnest: Many or few? Homemade or bought? Fancy or plain? Sweet or healthy? Themed or not? Ask members of our community what they think is appropriate, and you’ll get dozens of rather vehement opinions.
“I love getting homemade stuff,’ says Esther.* “It’s something I look forward to on Purim.”
But Ilana comments: “If people send me homemade cakes or cookies, I just throw them in the garbage. A homemade piece of cake is not hygienic, and I don’t want to eat it, especially if I do not know the person who sent it very well.”
One woman’s enjoyment – another woman’s garbage!
How about these: “I don’t know why my friend sent me Mikes and Ikes and Laffy Taffies, when she knows I don’t eat candy and don’t have any children to eat it, either.” says Shoshana.
Chaya is adamant that “It is wrong to send a few potato chips, a cookie, and an orange on a paper plate. It shows that you have not put thought into what you send. If you don’t want to spend the time or money to make a respectable mishloach manos, I would much prefer a nice letter.”
Years ago, when the community was smaller, the pace of life was slower, and less kosher packaged food was available, sending shalach manos seemed less complicated. Most people sent a few homemade treats in a simple container. Examine the packages we receive today; about 90 percent of the contents is store bought. Some people use commercial services to prepare and send baskets of gourmet items. Others let an organization do it, or send most of their acquaintances a card.
With so many choices available, what is the right way to do the mitzva of shalach manos? As with many mitzvas that involve other people, we can’t always know what someone else will appreciate. But surely the point is to make an effort to customize our mishloach manos so that our friends will feel our caring.
Thinking of the Recipient
Many givers do put thought into sending something that will be appreciated.
“I love it when people send me Pesach food for mishloach manos.” says Raizel, “I have received Pesachdik tuna fish, gefilte fish, chocolate chips, and jelly. I think that is such a great idea.”
“My friend Rochie sends me three-bean salad every year. I never eat on Purim, so I am always starving when her mishloach manos comes and look forward to eating her delicious bean salad,” says Penina.
Other people use Purim as an opportunity to express hakaras hatov (gratitude) to those who have helped them over the past year. I heard a beautiful story about a man who was very rich and built an apartment attached to his house for people who traveled to his city for medical treatment. A family from Israel that was completely secular came to America for a kidney transplant. The illness was genetic, so both the mother and daughter needed transplants. They had nowhere to stay after being released from the hospital, so they were very grateful to this man for his hospitality. About a year later, they notified him that they were coming to bring him a “present.” The rich man wondered what they could possibly give him. When they arrived, the man pulled his tefilin out to show the rich man and said, “Both my son and I have started putting on tefilin every day as a sign of our hakaras hatov to you.” These people gave their benefactor a thoughtful “gift” that was very meaningful to him. That is a true gesture of hakaras hatov.
We can do the same when we give a mishloach manos to a friend who has done us a favor. “I make sure to give something nice that will be valued,” says Sora. “I think about what that particular person would like and what will really express how grateful I feel. It is not necessarily the amount of money I spend; it is the thought I put into the gift.”
Rivki agrees: “I want my children to see the special effort I put into the mishloach manos I send to their rebbeim and teachers. It shows my children how much I respect them.” And indeed, a rebbi says, “We appreciate it so much when students send us money for mishloach manos. We use the money to get ready for Pesach, and it is such a big help.”
Competition
Another area of uncertainty is comparing our mishloach manos to those of others. “Purim tends to bring out people’s insecurity,” says Atara, a community activist. “Are we self-confident enough to say, ‘How nice of Baila to send me that beautiful mishloach manos; I can appreciate it without criticizing myself for having sent one that was not so beautiful’?
“And if we receive an elaborate mishloach manos from someone we did not think to send to, can we say, ‘She sent me this because she wants to show me hakaras hatov for taking her son home from school the whole year. I don’t have to send her one; I can just say “Thank you so much.”’”
Dina has the right attitude: “I look forward every year to my friend’s mishloach manos. She is so creative; I love to see what she thought of this year.”
“People have different strengths,” says Naomi. “If a person is creative and enjoys thinking of themes and wrapping her packages beautifully, I can enjoy her creations without feeling that I have to do the same.”
It takes self-confidence to do what you are good at and to accept that others might be better at what they do. It is not a competition, and our friendship is not based on who sent amore expensive or more elaborate mishloach manos.
Feeling Bad on Purim?
Ironically, for a holiday which emphasizes friendship and shalom, Purim can cause feelings that are exactly the opposite.
“I send out mishloach manos. for an organization” says, Tova. “I am very careful that all the baskets are the same. You would be surprised how sensitive people are if they see that a neighbor received a nicer mishloach manos than they did.”
“I am an almana (widow),” says Gittel. “I know people mean well but I feel a little funny when it seems that I am on someone else’s ‘mitzva list.’ If I don’t see them the whole year, it is a little forced for them to come by on Purim.”
“All day long I see cars pull up and people go into my neighbor’s house singing and dancing. Nobody comes to my house. It makes me feel lonely and left out,” says Rochel. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had only myself to worry about. But I also worry about my children. It makes them feel very jealous.”
The possibility of feeling bad on Purim is not a new phenomenon. In the book A Tzadik in Our Times, there is a story about how R’ Aryeh Levin, zt”l, used to spend time on Purim visiting the widows of rabbanim. When their husbands were alive, their houses were full of people coming and going, bringing mishloach manos, singing, and shmoozing. Now their husbands were gone and everybody had forgotten them. R’ Aryeh made a special point of remembering them on Purim.
Purim Cards
In part to avoid the angst of shalach manos, as described above, many people have started to send Purim cards. By contributing tzedaka to a worthy organization, a person receives attractive greeting cards to send to friends. This innovation seems to combine the two mitzvas of Purim: matanos la’evyonim (gifts to the poor) and mishloach manos. Of course, it is not exactly the mitzva mishloach manos, but it mimics the reason behind that mitzva by being a gesture of friendship. If, in addition, the organization helps the poor, it is definitely matanos la’evyonim – and matanos la’evyonim is actually the main mitzva of Purim, according to the Rambam.
Why is there such an emphasis on tzedaka on Purim – since it is a mitzva to give tzedaka all year round? Rav Hutner explains that, by helping poor people on Purim, we are emulating what Hashem did for our ancestors in Persia. The Jewish people of that time were like evyonim (poor people), because they thought that G-d had forsaken them. Achashveirosh had displayed the vessels of the Bais Hamikdash (Holy Temple) at a huge party to demonstrate that the prophesied 70 years of the exile were over, yet the Jews had not been redeemed. The Jews had, in fact, given up hope that Hashem would redeem them, and now Haman was going to destroy them all. Then, in a flash, everything was turned around, and they were saved. Hashem had not forsaken them. Hashem gave a massive matana (present) to the “evyonim” in the Purim story!
People have mixed reactions to Purim cards. Some are positive. As Tsippora says, “Every year my out-of-town friend and I used to exchange big, expensive Purim baskets. One year I just picked up the phone and told her, ‘Our friendship is strong. This year you keep your $75 and I will keep my $75.’ And we began to send each other Purim cards instead. It works beautifully and saves a lot of money and a lot of waste.”
Yet some people I spoke to told me that a Purim card doesn’t cut it for them. They may get so many that they throw them away unopened. Others are insulted, as though they are not good enough to receive a real mishloach manos. To them, Atara says, “A more secure way of thinking would be, ‘How nice of so-and-so to send me a Purim card. I didn’t send them one, but that’s okay – or, I’m sure they really wanted to send mishloach manos but were unable to send to everyone.’”
Mr. Eli Schlossberg, of Ahavas Yisroel, says, “Purim cards are a big fund raiser for us. Ahavas Yisroel distributes about $75,000 to $80,000 for matanos la’evyonim on Purim Day. The Purim cards raise about $30,000.
“Things have changed in the world in the last number of years. When I was a young boy, there were about 150 religious families in the community. If you sent mishloach manos to your friends, it couldn’t have been too many. Today, our community is much, much bigger, and it is just too difficult and too wasteful to send and receive so many mishloach manos. Purim cards are a great alternative. They show people that you were thinking of them without the waste involved in multiple mishloach manos.”
Ahavas Yisroel is trying to think of ideas to make Purim cards more exciting. This year, random packages of Purim cards will contain gift certificates to various businesses in town. Next year, i”H, the Purim cards will have a place to scratch off and see if you have won a prize. That will make it more exciting for both the purchaser and the receiver. In truth, exciting or not, Purim cards raise a tremendous amount of money for matanos la’evyonim, which is one of the main mitzvos of Purim.
Mechie Nebenzahl, from Lakewood, who runs the Bambi organization Purim card project, says, “I just couldn’t stand the waste that occurred over Purim. My friends and I were spending so much money and effort to make beautiful baskets, and meanwhile, Bambi was telling us about families in Israelwho do not even have running water or electricity. It just didn’t seem right. Of course, Bambi cards do not take the place of sending mishloach manos. We still send them to our neighbors and to the children’s rebbeim and friends – but not to everyone.” In a recent year, we raised about $11,000 for Matan B’seter Bambi with our Purim cards.
Yet another solution to the mishloach manos dilemma has evolved in our community. Torah Institute’s “group mishloach manos” allows you to acknowledge your friends and acquaintances and at the same time raise money for the school. For a small amount per name, you are included on the card of an actual basket of goodies as having contributed to that mishloach manos, along with everyone else who wanted to send to that family. This project is a big fundraiser for the school and gives people a way to send actual mishloach manos without the problem of waste. The school delivers about 1,200 Purim baskets on Purim day.
What can we conclude from all this? I think it is that we should be sensitive to our neighbors’ situations and do our best to show friendship and do what we think will make them happy. This is the obligation of the giver. The obligation of the receiver, on the other hand, is to accept graciously, to believe that the mishloach manos they received were the result of good intentions and effort, and that the giver tried to fulfill this mitzva of Purim to the best of his or her ability.
Let’s all be thoughtful givers and positive receivers – giving and accepting our gifts, whether of food, money, a Purim card, a letter, or just a smile, in the way they were intended, which was surely to be marbeh simcha, shalom, verei’us, to increase joy, peace, and friendship.
