I
have been thinking about simchas lately. This is a subject that affects almost every
family. And while a simcha is truly a joyous occasion, a highlight in our
ordinarily mundane lives, it comes with a myriad decisions and the delicate
managing of relationships. I gleaned many of the ideas in this article
from a collection of essays called Rays of
Hope by Rabbi Chaim Zev Ginsburg.
Are You Coming?
Whom to invite to
the simcha and who should attend are not new problems. In fact, the destruction
of the Second Beis Hamikdash happened
because of a mistake in an invitation.
A man intended to invite a friend named
Kamtza to his banquet. By mistake, an enemy of this man, named Bar Kamtza, was
invited. When the host saw his enemy there instead of his friend, he threw him
out of the hall. Bar Kamtza was so upset that the rabbis at the banquet did not
protest his treatment, he decided to spread slander about the rabbis in the
royal palace. He went to Caesar and said, “The Jews have rebelled against you,”
and that was the beginning of the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash.
The Gemara says
that the destruction began because of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza. However, Rabbi
Chaim Aryeh Zev Ginzberg, in his essay, entitled, “Simchas vs. Quality of Life,”
writes, “Why was Kamtza at fault for this whole event. He didn’t receive an
invitation, so he didn’t come! That is not a reason to blame him for Bar
Kamtza’s actions.” Rabbi Ginsburg quotes the Gerrer Rebbe, who said, “A friend
should come even if not invited. That’s the indication of a true friend.”
What an
interesting thought! Is attending a simcha uninvited a sign of true friendship
or is it rude? And that question is not the only one confronted by guests. For
instance, if you did get an invitation, do you have to stay for the whole
wedding, or can you stop in for a few minutes just to say mazal tov? Or let’s
say you have something important to do on that night. Can you just skip the
simcha? What if you are invited but dislike staying up late and don’t like
dancing, do you have to stay anyway? In any of these scenarios, will the host
feel hurt or insulted?
It is amazing to
see how determined many people are to attend simchas despite the time and
effort involved. Many of them drive to other cities, traveling late at night, and
even cross the ocean just to share in their friend’s simcha.
Hosts also have
choices to make. Whom should you invite to the simcha – everyone in your shul
or shiur? All your neighbors? Or just
a select few? Will a particular invitee consider it an honor to be invited, or will
he be annoyed at having to attend yet another simcha? Should you encourage the
person you are inviting to stay for the whole wedding, or will you be okay with
him just coming in to say mazal tov?
Time to Dance
And what is the guests’ responsibility once
they are at the wedding? Since the celebration centers around dancing, one
should join in the circle. Some guests add to the fun by putting on a unique
performance in the middle. But even if someone doesn’t like to dance, or is
unable to, it makes the event more festive if people are watching from the
sidelines and looking happy. As my nephew wrote in response to my question
about whether dancing at a wedding is important:
It’s
great if guests contribute to the atmosphere, but not everyone expresses joy
through dancing. I, for example, express joy by standing woodenly on the
side and awkwardly clapping off-beat – the further off-beat, the more joyous.
But I can imagine that someone who immediately starts dancing when he’s happy
or excited might not get it when people don’t dance and could think it’s an
affront.
Daring to Be Different
I attended a
wedding recently, where the guests sat patiently at the table waiting for the
meal but eventually left before the food was served. I assume that the host had
to pay for the meals anyway. In his article, Rabbi Ginsburg suggests an idea that
might alleviate this problem: “Many people do not like staying for a long time
at a wedding, but they still want to do the mitzvah of making the chassan
and kallah happy. Wouldn’t it be great if, straight after the chuppah
and yichud room, there would be a dance
with the chassan and kallah and, after that dance, have the
pictures taken and then serve the food to close friends and family?”
I agree with this
idea, which would solve two problems: The guests who want to leave early could
do so without feeling guilty, and the host would not have to pay for meals that
are not eaten.
I spoke to a rebbetzin
in town who makes their simchas in this way. Tova* says, “We have a big
smorgasbord after the chuppah and limit the picture taking so that the chassan
and kallah come out after 20 minutes. That way, the guests can take
part in the simcha, eat dinner, and still be home early. I also feel
like it is nicer for the chassan and kallah to have a more
intimate setting for the dinner, with only their friends and family. A lot of
people that are there are not their friends but the friends of their parents.”
Rivka, another
woman who made her daughter’s wedding in an unusual way, explained, “We copied
what was done in Europe in the past. We had the wedding at noon on Friday, followed
by a buffet with food and dancing. Most of the guests left after that, and only
the immediate family stayed for Shabbos sheva
brachos. I asked a rav about the timing so that we wouldn’t run into
Shabbos questions, and everything ran on time. The guests were back home at 6 p.m.
and Shabbos was not until 8 p.m.”
Big or Small?
During Covid, our
ideas about simchas were turned upside down. Many people thought they could not
have a wedding unless it was in a wedding hall with hundreds of people. During
Covid we saw that was not true. I spoke to a neighbor whose daughter got
married during Covid in a friend’s backyard. She explained that there were pros
and cons. Until the day before the wedding, they thought they would not be able
to have any guests at all, but at the last minute they were able to invite 50 people.
“The change from no guests to 50 guests was really exciting,” said Karen. “The chassan
and kallah were very happy with the wedding and thought the whole event
was perfect, but for the family, there were millions of details to take care
of. When you get married in a hall, everything is taken care of for you. Here,
we had to arrange for chairs, the chuppah, the tents, and even the yichud room. We used a friend’s RV for
the yichud room.”
Right at the
beginning of the chuppah, there was an epic rainstorm. Everyone got soaking wet,
and the guests all ran into the tents to stay dry. However, the rabbi, who was mesadar
kedushin, was focused on doing everything correctly according to halacha,
even though he was getting soaking wet. “The more spiritual guests at the
simcha were very excited that the chuppah was blessed with gishmei bracha,”
said Karen, adding that her dress remained wet for the entire wedding!
The Perils of Popularity – or the Opposite
Rabbi Ginsburg’s
article tells the story about a little boy who told the principal of his school
that he wished his grandmother would die. A little surprised, the principal
asked him why. The little boy explained that he liked to spend time with his father,
but every night he was out attending simchas. Last year, when the grandfather
died, his father was an avel and was home every night. Now that the year
was over, he was not home again. The only way the child could think of to keep his
father home was if his father were to become an avel again!
We smile sadly
when we read this story. Obviously, we don’t want children to resort to death
wishes to keep their parents at home. So, what should people who are invited to
a lot of simchas do?
Tova, the
rebbetzin, explained, “I am invited to a lot of simchas and am always happy for
the families. For them, it is a once-in-a-lifetime event, and I know my
presence with make a difference to them. If I can go, I go, and I make sure
that the baalei simcha know that I am there. I don’t feel pressure to
attend every simcha though, because I have other obligations, and a person
cannot be in two places at once.”
Why do people have
big weddings and invite a lot of people? Well, obviously, some people are well
connected and well known, and they want to invite everyone to their simchas.
The truth is that they may be right. Perhaps people would be insulted if they were
not invited, and no host wants to make others feel bad.
On the other hand, there are those making
a simcha who have small families and live quiet lives. They may worry about
whether there will be enough guests. After all, no one can have a simcha
without people to fill up the hall. At one of my children’s weddings, I
happened to notice an acquaintance standing there; I was not really friends
with her, and I remember feeling a jolt of appreciation. Wow! It was so nice of
her to come to our simcha.
To clarify this
question, I turned to our family chat. One nephew wrote the following:
I have never made a wedding for a child, but I
have made other simchas, and it was/would be very important to me that
people attend. Having a good turnout illustrates that you are appreciated as a
friend and member of the community. I probably subconsciously wonder how
successful I/my family are at connecting with people, building relationships,
and being viewed as a positive presence in the community, and this is an
opportunity to both manifest those actions and also to assess how well we’ve
been doing.
My feeling is that a simcha is a manifestation of ayin tova, and by definition, that means being
welcoming, inclusive, indulgent, and appreciative. Why would you let it get to
you if someone sits down to dinner who was only invited to the chuppa or if
someone who didn’t invite you to their wedding shows up and gets in the thick
of it?
Another
relative, who is making a wedding in Eretz Yisrael at the end of February,
which I am, iy”H, attending, wrote
this:
A friend told me that a simcha is made up
of one and another and another: individuals who come together to make up the
simcha. After she started making chasunas,
she decided to make special efforts to be one of “the ones” who make up
others simchas since she saw how meaningful it was to her when they attended
hers.
Now that we are, b”H, making
simchas, I can say that I really appreciate it when people make the effort to
come. When our son got married recently and our guests arrived, I felt like
they were indicating to the other side that we are normal people: we have
family, friends, etc. I was especially happy when my siblings came. Since
my parents aren’t able to attend my simchas, my siblings sort of fill their
role, and I can share the simcha and nachas with them.
At the same time, as
a working busy mother, I know that it’s sometimes more important to stay home,
take care of yourself, your kids, etc. So, I understand the people who don’t
come.
* * *
In conclusion, simchas are wonderful, and
whether we are well-connected people or quiet people, rich people or poor
people, we are all vulnerable to the sensitivities awakened by them. We all
care about what others think of us, and we can’t make a simcha on our own! We
need each other. May we, as a community, continue to share in many simchas.
